Player Capsules 2012, #268-270: Anthony Randolph, Kyle Korver, Lou Amundson

As our summer mainstay, Aaron was writing a 370-part series discussing almost every notable player who was -- as of last season -- getting minutes in the NBA. As the summer dies down and the leaves turn, this quixotic quest of a series has happily reached the last third. But it's certainly not done yet! Today we continue with Anthony Randolph, Kyle Korver, and Lou Amundson. Continue reading

Bonnersanity, the Magic Microwave, and the Raddest Breakfast Ever

Running down an unfamiliar mountain at dawn near his New Hampshire home, Matt Bonner stops suddenly and plots the remainder of his journey down the mountain. Breathing a bit heavily, he spies an uncharacteristically icy grotto. His sense of adventure piqued, Bonner steps into the grotto's entrance. To his astonishment, he notes that the entrance is lined with stringed beads! There might be mountain people living there! Being something of a mountain person himself (he chuckles to himself as he prepares his mountain-man dialect), Bonner steels himself for any sort of encounter. The "room" he enters is rather dark, and a river runs through it, and it is hot and humid like a sauna. Its walls are the mossy rocks of the mountain, its floor a tangle of giant, velour carpets. Feeling his way around the room, Bonner notes statues along the wall that are just mouths and cheeks and throats, invariably bearded. The beard is black and the skin is brown, surprising the lily-white Bonner in the heart of New Hampshire. He makes his way through with just a flashlight and finds another beard statue, now hundreds of feet from the entrance. To Bonner's astonishment, this beard statue seems to be made of different material.

"Hello, Matthew," this beard statue proclaims in a totally indifferent voice. Matt Bonner is not shocked by this at all. Par for the course, Matt Bonner reflects, having seen much stranger things in hermits' mountain grottos.

"Hello, gentle mountain-man," Matt Bonner says diplomatically, "Who is hosting this occasion, and how do you know my name?"

"I am whom they called Gilbert Arenas, Matthew. Now you may address me as Agent Zero, or, Hibachi."

"Hello, Agent Zero. How are you?" Matt Bonner says to his one-time opponent, trying to encourage an atmosphere of trust. Continue reading

Player Capsules 2012, #265-267: Ramon Sessions, Desagana Diop, Kenyon Martin

As our summer mainstay, Aaron was writing a 370-part series discussing almost every notable player who was -- as of last season -- getting minutes in the NBA. As the summer dies down and the leaves turn, this quixotic quest of a series has happily reached the last third. But it's certainly not done yet! Today we continue with Ramon Sessions, DeSagana Diop, and Kenyon Martin. Continue reading

Player Capsules 2012, #262-264: Gary Neal, Jose Calderon, Bismack Biyombo

As our summer mainstay, Aaron was writing a 370-part series discussing almost every notable player who was -- as of last season -- getting minutes in the NBA. As the summer dies down and the leaves turn, this quixotic quest of a series has happily reached the last third. But it's certainly not done yet! Today we continue with Gary Neal, Jose Calderon, and Bismack Biyombo. Continue reading

Player Capsules 2012, #259-261: Zaza Pachulia, Jason Thompson, Nene

As our summer mainstay, Aaron was writing a 370-part series discussing almost every notable player who was -- as of last season -- getting minutes in the NBA. As the summer dies down and the leaves turn, this quixotic quest of a series has happily reached the last third. But it's certainly not done yet! Today we continue with Zaza Pachulia, Jason Thompson, and Nene. Continue reading

Player Capsules 2012, #256-258: Kosta Koufos, Luol Deng, Nick Young

As our summer mainstay, Aaron was writing a 370-part series discussing almost every notable player who was -- as of last season -- getting minutes in the NBA. As the summer dies down and the leaves turn, this quixotic quest of a series has happily reached the last third. But it's certainly not done yet! Today we continue with Kosta Koufos, Luol Deng, and Nick Young. Continue reading

The Outlet 3.03: The Perkins Play and Mike Brown Minutes

Fans' emotions are vacillating between unreasonable optimism and abject panic on a nightly basis, so you know what that means: The 2012-2013 NBA Season has officially begun! And with the return of the season, comes the return of The Outlet! You might even say we're back in the swing of things. Usually we preface these posts by reminding you not to call it a comeback, but go ahead. Call it a comeback. The Outlet is officially back, whenever we see fit to publish one, and recently that seems to be more often than ever! It's truly a bright new age of semi-regular Dadaistic sports interpretation. Get ready, fansketball.

  • OKC vs ATL: A Brief Examination of the Perkins Play (by Jacob Harmon)
  • LAL vs DET: Mike Brown Minutes and the Essence of Comedy (by Alex Dewey)

Continue reading

Small Market Mondays #1: D.J. Augustin's Revenge Game

Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, MySpace is the most popular website on the internet, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Come one, come all and welcome to Gothic Ginobili's first edition of Small Market Mondays! We know you must be sick of all the attention that small markets get from the lamestream media. That Ben Gordon trade saga seemed to last FOREVER, didn't it? But we know what side our bread is buttered on. At this point, we really don't have a choice -- we HAVE to jump on this bandwagon to get precious page views. Aaron McGuire's McMansion isn't going to pay for itself, you know?

To start this week's installment off, it's only right to begin with the biggest storyline of the week -- the DJ Augustin revenge game. Augustin famously did what many superstars of his caliber have been known to do and made the move from the record-breaking, title-holding Charlotte Bobcats to a smaller market in Indianapolis. When asked about if the Pacers thought the Bobcats were competition due to their record-breaking season last year, Pacers GM Kevin Pritchard had this to say: "Charlotte is defending nothing. That's in boxing, you give the belt back. They don't have this year's trophy."

Meanwhile, Bobcats VP of basketball operations Rod Higgins confirmed what we all thought: Augustin understandably took less money in Indiana while giving up his starting role in Charlotte in order to play in a media market with 60,000 less people. As you must know by now due to the positively nauseating amount of coverage, Augustin went 1 for 7 from the field. In this writer's opinion, that underrates his game. It was absolutely one of the most efficient 1 for 7s this writer has ever seen. Every single one of his misses gave his teammates a great chance to hit the offensive glass as he intelligently took five threes knowing they'd result in long rebounds for his teammates. One would have to be delusional to think he was actually trying to make those shots and not displaying classic small market classiness by trying to make his teammates look good. Continue reading

Player Capsules 2012, #253-255: Mike Miller, Tony Parker, Andrew Bynum

As our summer mainstay, Aaron was writing a 370-part series discussing almost every notable player who was -- as of last season -- getting minutes in the NBA. As the summer dies down and the leaves turn, this quixotic quest of a series has happily reached the last third. But it's certainly not done yet! Today we continue with Mike Miller, Tony Parker, and Andrew Bynum. Continue reading

Player Capsules 2012, #250-252: Alan Anderson, Metta World Peace, Chris Singleton

As our summer mainstay, Aaron was writing a 370-part series discussing almost every notable player who was -- as of last season -- getting minutes in the NBA. As the summer dies down and the leaves turn, this quixotic quest of a series has happily reached the last third. But it's certainly not done yet! Today we continue with Alan Anderson, Metta World Peace, and Chris Singleton. Continue reading

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