Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"
Happy Monday, everyone! Today I'd like to discuss everyone's small market darling, the Sacramento Kings. You've probably heard the news by now -- a consortium of "lattechino"-sipping Seattle socialites are trying to purchase the Kings from the oft-maligned Maloof brothers in an attempt to forcibly bring back the Seattle Supersonics. At best, this move is robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Perhaps the Sonics were un-rightfully robbed from Seattle. Well, alright -- they definitely were. But what gives them the right to steal the Kings from Sacramento? The fact that the Seattle fanbase knows what it's like to lose a team should give them more perspective than the average observer, yet all I see from them is "sucks to suck, Sacramento". There are children in Sacramento who love nothing more than to watch Jimmer swish 3's, to see Isaiah Thomas put up 21 points in the 3rd quarter, or try to figure out why DeMarcus Cousins anything he ever does.
How do you explain this to them?
This move could result in anywhere between 600 to 1,000 jobs being lost in Sacramento, one of the hardest-hit recession cities: they're currently sporting a disturbingly high 11.7% unemployment rate. The city of Sacramento approved spending $255 million dollars of the taxpayers money to keep the Kings there. Doesn't matter! They still might be moved, thanks to the incompetence of the Maloofs! Remember those kids I made up earlier in an unabashed attempt to tug your heartstrings? Imagine them losing their favorite team while their single mother loses her job alongside them because she worked in ticket sales for the Kings. Welp.
Yes, Seattle fans, life is tough and terrible things happen. Does that really justify taking the Kings away from a city who loves them despite their extremely incompetent owners? The Sacramento Kings actually hold the record for the 4th longest sell-out streak in league history... even when they were sub 0.500 for 11 of those 12 straight years. Having something stolen from you doesn't give you the right to steal from others, no matter how unjustified the wrongdoing was. Kings fans need to pressure the Maloofs into selling to an ownership group who will take a better role in managing the team, then start a brand new record sell-out streak. Because if they don't, maybe the Supersonics really should be saved.
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The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)
I generally spend this section telling you all about how the Grizzlies have been dominating everyone and the Lakers are floundering. Just as everyone expected, thanks to ESPN's countless "will these Grizzlies go 82-0?" features over the offseason! This week, though, I'd like to you look to the future instead. There are three teams who are going to be rocketing up the standings soon enough, and I want you guys to impress your many friends by hyping them up before their winning streaks (and before ESPN's "is Mo Williams the greatest point guard ever" coverage begins for the 17th time). These three teams have one thing in common - they've played a much larger portion of their games on the road than at home thus far and have insane home records in those scant games.
The Spurs have played 18 home games to 22 road games, having gone 16-2 at home. Similarly, the Nuggets have played 16 at home and 23 on the road, protecting their house with a strong 14-2 home record. Finally, the team everyone expected to be a top-4 seed this year, the Utah Jazz, have played just 15 games at home compared with 24 on the road, winning 11 of their 15 home games. When you compare all of these numbers to #1 seed OKC's 21 home and 16 road games or #2 seed LAC's 22 home and 15 road games, you see that the 3 teams I listed have the potential to take the position in the western standings we all knew they would. Especially if they trade for Jimmer.
He's the missing piece, OK?
Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch
Jimmer is still reeling from the shock of his wedding video being leaked last week, having gone 5-19 from the field since. We'll be sure to keep you updated on this developing situation, but in the meantime just forget about his struggles and spend a good half hour watching this .gif over and over and over and over:
Small Market Mondays Game of the Night
John Wall is back, ladies and gentlemen, and the prices of tickets for tonight's game in Washington DC have nearly doubled in price - they start at a whole 2 dollars instead of 1! Instead of paying those exorbitant prices, you can sit at home to watch. It's the first half of our game-of-the-night doubleheader! That's right, tonight we have a very special doubleheader. That's because the Cavaliers will be traveling to Sacramento in a fierce match-up between the "most lovely and perfect and beautiful point guard ever" Kyrie Irving and "not bad at all for the literal last pick" Isaiah Thomas.
There's one sub-plot that made this doubleheader necessary tonight -- I've heard some sordid rumblings in the small market underworld that Kings fans are fed up with all the drama surrounding the move from Sacaramento. [Ed. Note: More colloquially, the "small market underworld" is known as "Twitter."] and will throw rotten eggs at the Maloofs tonight.
Why would they throw rotten eggs at the Kings owners, you ask?