Small Market Mondays #12: Eminent Domain

Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Last week we discussed the All-Star candidacy of Rajon Rondo (related: why haven't we made bionic ACLs yet? Get on it, Doctors!) and Kyrie Irving (WHOO I LOVE YOU BABY). All was made right this week when Kyrie Irving was named as an All-Star reserve. And due to Rajon Rondo's extraordinarily unfortunate injury, he should be the starting point guard for the Eastern Conference! Not even a small market backer such as myself can condone the slightest of injuries to the biggest of big market players. Doing so would be quite big market bully-esque. I refuse. Get well soon, Rondo!

You know who won't be playing in the All-Star Game this year though, no injuries required? The traitorous Joe Johnson, of course! Having played in Small Market Mecca Atlanta since 2005 ("CAW CAWWWWWW"), he was rewarded by the Gods that be with 6 straight dubiously deserved All-Star appearances from 2007 - 2012. Note how I said 2012 and not 2013. Hah! Joey J made his way to the fakest of all big markets this offseason -- Brooklyn. They're not a real big market! They just moved from small-market-at-heart New Jersey this year! They parade Jay-Z around to pretend like he's a real owner. Come on! The man barely owns 1/15th of 1 percent of the franchise, just so they can be relevant... wait, hold up, I'm being told that's worth over a million dollars. That also happens to be much, much more than what I'm worth. Blast it all. You win again, Jay-Zed.

But that's all beside the point -- Joe Johnson broke his streak of six straight All-Star Games by moving from Atlanta to Brooklyn. In fact, not a single Brooklyn Net is playing in the All-Star Game this year, even though they're 26-18 and it's well-deserved. Unless anyone was paying attention when Nets owner Bruce Ratner used eminent domain to displace hundreds of citizens in order to make over a billion dollars. There's no way that happened, right? Oh. It did? Well, dang. Speaking of which, how the heck did they use a law of Eminem's domain when Jay-Z is their part owner rapper?! There's got to be some beef there, right? Something's rotten in the state of Brooklyn, Horatio. Anyway. How about this -- we as fans need to use our power of eminent domain or whatever it's called to take back every All-Star spot ever awarded to them from the Nets and ensure that none of those poseur big marketeers ever make it in? Seems reasonable to me.

Hopefully, thanks to us, an All-Star spot will never be an (emi)Net's domain.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Friends, the Arnonymous (Hey, that's me! With a cool futuristic twist, too!!!) has predicted the future again. Last week in this very column I wrote that David Stern had cooked up a devilish scheme "to derail the Champacers on their quest for moral and NBA victory." Instead of sabotaging the Indiana "Champacers" in favor of one of his precious big market teams, he's gone for the Robert E. Lee route and trying to break us up from the inside. In their game against the fellow small-market superteam Utah Jazz Saturday night, the Pacers should have had the ball down 2 with 2.2 seconds left following some inbound follies on the part of the Jazz. But yegads! The referees did as Lord $tern (get it? Because... money!) told them to and screwed the Pacers out of the win at the hands of the Jazz. Emphasis on hands of the Jazz and not Jazz hands of the Utah. Vastly different stories.

Anyways, it sucked. But don't be mad at our small market brethren Jazz! Don't fall prey to Stern's devilish ploy by devolving into a civil war between ourselves! Just remember that he is and will always be our true enemy. Only someone as scheming as he could draw this plan up. Stern is without question the gold standard of evil. Thus, it's only right that his successor is named after silver...

• • •

Jimmer Fredette

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

Sigh. This is it. The end of the reign of The Jimmer. 5-16 over the past 3 games and 32.9% shooting for the month of January is unacceptable for someone who should be shooting AT LEAST 66.6% to prove that he can out-duel Mr. Stern. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. Stay tuned for next week when we unveil our newest MVP candidate.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Our search for the next MVP candidate just so happens to bring us to... our next MVP candidate. That's right, you guessed it, we're heading the least sinningest (AKA happiest) place on Earth, Salt Lake City! The Houston Rockets and Chandler Parsons will be taking on the Utah Jazz and Gordon Hayward. Not in a game of basketball, though, but in a much more important game - the game to win the hearts of pre-teen girls around the nation:

Just look at those smiles. Those perfectly coiffed boy band haircuts. Those crystal clear blue eyes, the kind you get lost swimming in for hours. Chandler's rough Texas scruff and Gordon's holy Utah cleanliness. These two men are the role models of the future - they've proved that you don't need the unholy carnal desires your loins thrust upon you but rather you just need to go out there and have fun with your buds! Stop thinking about thrusting loins! They sure as heck don't! Heck, Gordon's parents almost didn't let him play professional basketball because they felt that their son was "not yet spiritually ready to handle the temptations of the NBA". If you don't want your sons to be them and your daughters to date them then you've failed yourself as a small marketeer. And if you won't allow them to steal your own heart then you should probably be out there stealing residences from the nice citizens of Brooklyn instead.

God bless you, Chandler and Gordon. God. Bless. You.

(This segment paid for by the Albuquerque Abstinence Awareness Association - where men should be role models, not pole models.)

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