Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, MySpace is still the most popular website on the internet, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"
We're skipping the introduction today, guys. I'm much too livid to pretend to be nice after seeing yet another display of classic big market self-obsessed hedonism. I'm even more furious at the fact that NONE OF YOU responded to my MySpace bulletin about this! Classless move, readers. Since none of you did, let me give you a quick run-down of that story. Someone took a candid photo of Mr. Antawn Jamison and his lovely partner strolling the streets of Los Angeles, violating their privacy to an incredible degree. Then, they had the depraved idea to make others judge his girlfriend as if she was just a piece of meat. But, you know what's riling me up the most? The fact that the writer seems to be proud of the fact that "you can hide a girlfriend like this in Cleveland, but in LA not so much".
You're right, Mr. Writer, you can "hide" a girlfriend like that in Cleveland. You want to know why? Because we small markets have things like dignity, class, and respect. You seem to be lacking all three in "The City of Angeles [sic]." (Yeah. That's right. I know my Spanish, and I know you misspelled "Angels". Can't run one by me, folks.) We thought that sending you classy guys Antawn Jamison would change that... but apparently not. We even sent you one of the greatest coaches ever in Mike Brown, hoping to teach you some humility and letting you learn how to lose with dignity. But you know what you did? You fired him. Wait, let me fix that. You lied by saying you weren't going to fire him and then fired him the day after.
And to top it all off, you've apparently decided to replace a dignified, humble family man in Mike Brown with noted large market apologist Phil Jackson! Ahem. Sorry. Noted large market apologist and noted avid illegal substance abuser, Phil Jackson. I seriously have no idea how he's so coveted -- he's only ever won championships in large markets and only did so with some of the greatest players of all time. Like that's so hard, Mr. "Zen Master". I'm sure you're the guy who also brags about that one time you beat Goldeneye on Nintendo 64 without dying with your Gameshark on! Ugh.
So, to recap: in the span of a week, big markets, you've shown that not only do you have no morals, you also have no class, no respect for the law, no respect for anything virtuous, and no respect for non-tool assisted video game speed runs. [Ed. Note: Nobody's told him they hired Mike D'Antoni yet. I refuse to be the first.]
Like we'd expect anything else from you, you big market boors. Continue reading