The Worst Halloween Ever

A "Spooky" Tale of Psychology and Stanchions

Tim Duncan: Hey, you guys, I'm so angry! Guess who I am!
Richard Jefferson: You're Tim Duncan.
TD: Oh gosh. Heh. Yes, Richard, but who am I pretending to be for Halloween?
RJ: If I didn't know better, I'd say Kevin Garnett. Given that you're obviously wearing his uniform and attempting to scowl constantly.
_TD:_ Hey, you got it right! Richard, throw that gym mat and the duct tape over here.
RJ: Wait, what? Why? Don't wrestle me, old man.
TD: I need to complete the costume with a stanchion attached to my face.
RJ: Oh, heh. That's pretty funny, actually. Okay, "Kevin". Here's the "stanchion".

RJ throws the gym mat to Tim. Then he throws the roll of duct tape. Tim slams it back at his face with a bestial yell.

• • •

RJ (livid): What the hell, Tim? That really kind of hurt. Get it yourself! Last time I try to help a man dressed as Kevin Garnett.
TD: Sorry, RJ. I got a little wrapped up in the character. You know how Kevin blocks those dead-ball shots...
RJ: Whatever. Keep your character in check. I just hope to God we don't run into any ballboys or autograph-seekers... this is embarrassing.
TD: Sorry, RJ.
RJ: Just don't let it happen again, please. This was such a bad idea. You actually invest yourself into these characters, don't you?
TD: Yeah, you could say that. I am Will Hunting, you know, I studied psychol--
RJ: No. We're not talking about this anymore. Anyway, uh, we got everything for the party?
TD: Let's see, we got proximity mines, sticky grenades, we got Magnum .44s, we got Golden Guns... yeah, I'd say we're ready. I just need to load the, uh, pump.
RJ: ... were those just weapons you remember from Goldeneye, Tim?
TD: To be honest, those are the only weapons I'm familiar with. I'm starting to think that I wasn't cut out for this costume...
RJ: ... well, seriously, did you bring everything?
TD: I think we're just on the hook for punch, chips, and an N64 for playing Goldeneye. So yeah. Let's go.

Tim shoves RJ in the shoulder and then points indignantly at RJ as he backs away.

TD: Wasn't that just like him? Haha. He's done that so many times.
__RJ: You know what? Executive decision, I'm going to drive. You just go sit in the back seat. Now.

TD: __Alright, Richard.

RJ: In the meantime, while I'm driving, I want you to think about how you can do this KG impression...without alienating everyone in the Spurs organization. These characters are supposed to be fun, and you seem more interested in, you know, playing Kevin like this is a biography or a Christian Bale movie or something. Just think about how you can do this, Tim. And don't call Daniel Day Lewis. Deal?
TD: It's a deal.

20 Minutes Later

RJ: Well, here we are. The Spurs' Halloween get-together.
_TD:_ I figured out how to do it!
RJ: What, you mean how you're going to pass as a reasonable human being while dressed as Kevin Garnett in uniform?
TD: Well, yeah, but I mean, I figured out how to be an unaccountable prick with no class. I figured out how he must justify it in his head.
RJ: ... wait, uh, Tim.
TD: Okay, it goes like this: You know how in the Matrix the Agents say "There are levels of existence we're willing to accept."? Well, that's how KG treats class and accountability: Not as basic parts of the human condition, but as variables that can be tuned as low as possible if necessary. There are levels of class he's willing to accept. Very low levels.
RJ: Okay. Look. He's probably just a jerk. You're overthinking his character. Like, can you even picture KG sitting through the Matrix trilogy? I'm not saying he'd fall asleep, but it doesn't really seem like it's up his alley. He's not exactly a philosopher. He probably just doesn't like to help his opponents feel comfortable. I mean, what, you think he watched Raging Bull before he punched his teammate that one time? You think he watches Annie Hall before trying to figure out what makes the opposing point guards tic? Maybe this is how you could play him, but it sure as hell is not how he is.
TD: Wow...you're probably right. By the way, probably the best thing I could do is just changing my costume to Bill Russell.
RJ: Oh, because same team and number, I got it! That's great. But what do you want to do about the stanchion?
TD: I was thinking it could be the weight of cultural segregation against him.
RJ: Tim... maybe you should just lose the stanchion.
TD: My name is Bill, or Mr. Russell, and I'll thank you to remember it. And I can't just forget the stanchion, Richard. Not after-
RJ: Tim, I don't care how good our Goldeneye session is. This is already the worst Halloween of my adult life.

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Kevin Garnett, the Man of Unspeakable Cruelty.

And now, some Choice Examples of this Unspeakable Cruelty.

Ray Allen: Hey Kevin, could you help me out with moving this 50 pound bag?
Kevin Garnett: Do it yourself, Ray Allen. Here, take this strap so you can wear it on your back and buffer most of the load.

Stephon Marbury: Hey Kevin, could you help me pave my pool over?
Kevin Garnett: No, Stephon Marbury, because that's really not a wise decision. Drain your pool if you don't wish to use it or clean it, but it adds value to your property which is not going to be recouped by whatever else you put there.

Glen Davis: Hey Kevin, could you help me with a deeply personal problem?
Kevin Garnett: No, Glen Davis. You have to solve that by yourself. That's a personal problem.

Doc Rivers: Hey Kevin, can you help me motivate the team?
Kevin Garnett: I will try my best, Doc Rivers, but I demand that you oversee this, because that is your formal role as head coach of this team.

Sam Cassell: Hey Kevin, could you apply this hair-growth tonic to the back of my scalp?
Kevin Garnett: Sam Cassell, you are supposed to be in Washington. This is Boston, on the other-side of the massive metropolitan area which stretches across the Eastern Seaboard.

Leon Powe: Hey Kevin, do you remember me?
Kevin Garnett: Yes, Leon Powe. How are you?

Kendrick Perkins: Hey Kevin, can you guard Tim Duncan for me? He is sort of out-playing me recently.
Kevin Garnett: No, Kendrick, because if I did that I wouldn't be able to switch to cover their guards on the pick-and-rolls and flare screens which the Spurs are so fond of.

Tim Duncan: Hey Kevin.
Kevin Garnett: Hey... Tim Duncan...
Tim Duncan: We are playing a game against each other, tonight, Kevin. I just wanted to wish you luck. You could have had as many rings as I have if the luck of the draw had placed us differently, and I just wanted you to know that I have considered you my most potent and interesting rival over the years, and since we'll both be retiring soon, I wanted you to know that I have deep respect for your game and your toughness.
Kevin Garnett: Gee, Tim, thanks a lot! That means quite a bit, coming from you. I really wish we could have had more meetings in the playoffs with excellent teams, and while I do regret how things turned out, I finally got to a championship-caliber team late in my career, and I feel that vindicates everything that came before.
Tim Duncan: Yeah, I understand that. I didn't get full vindication for my skills until somewhat late in my career, either. But I was getting championships, and so it didn't matter as much to me. Well, I have to go to the arena, Kevin. I look forward to your performance.

Tim Duncan: Hey Kevin, now that it's about tip-off time, I wanted to, again, wish you luck.
Kevin Garnett: Thanks, Tim. You too.

Ref: Ray, you stand over there. Bruce, you stand on the left side, there, behind Tim. Alright, when I blow the whistle, it's tip-off time. Good luck.
Tim Duncan: Thank you, ref.
Ref: You're very welcome, Tim.
*whistle*
Manu Ginobili: Tim, get it to me...I will drive in the lane to space their shooters.
Tim Duncan: Okay, Manu.
Kevin Garnett: I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH KNIVES MADE FROM YOUR BONES. AHHHHH. AHHHHH. AHHHH. GET OUT OF THE PAINT MANU THAT'S RIGHT. NOT TALL ENOUGH TO GET PAST ME. FUCK YOU TIM. THIS IS MY HOUSE, FROM SEA TO FUCKING SHINING SEA. AAHHHHH.
Doc Rivers: Oh Jesus Christ, Kevin, shut the fuck up.
Kevin Garnett: DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BE, DOC RIVERS. WHERE'S YOUR RING?
Ray Allen: Hey Kevin, can you pass the ball? I want to take this open shot.
Kevin Garnett: IN A MINUTE RAY ALLEN. I'M READING THE FUCKING DEFENSE. SO IF YOU CAN WAIT, JUST A FUCKING MINUTE. AAAHHHH.
Ray Allen: Okay, I can wait. But you know, the shot clock is 24 seconds, which is substantially less than a minute.
Kevin Garnett: RAY DON'T SHOVE MY LIMITATIONS IN MY FACE YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT. DO I HAVE TO BREAK YOU LIKE I BROKE DUNCAN ON THAT LAST DUNK?
Ray Allen: Kevin, it's the first offensive possession of the game.
Kevin Garnett: I'M REFERRING BACK TO THE PLAYOFFS LAST YEAR RAY, YOU KNOW, WHEN DUNCAN WENT CRYING? HAHA IT'S GOOD TO BE THE BEST.
Ray Allen: The Spurs are in the Western Conference, while the Celtics are the in the East. Also, we lost in the second round last year.
Kevin Garnett: YEAH THAT'S WHAT KENDRICK WAS SAYING, BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS LYING.
Ray Allen: Well it's true. You should learn to trust people, Kevin.
Kevin Garnett: MAYBE, RAY, MAYBE.
Ray Allen: Like, I know that for all the bluster you're a fine, caring, thoughtful individual. If you added "trusting" to that, you would have quite an emotionally-available personality.
Kevin Garnett: NO, THAT'S NOT FOR ME RAY, I AM THE MAN OF UNSPEAKABLE CRUELTY AND I FIGURE I'LL ALWAYS BE.
Ray Allen: Oh, Kevin, that's not true. People can change in their lives.
Kevin Garnett: HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED DRAMA ABOUT A DAMAGED PROTAGONIST THAT TRIES TO CHANGE AND IN THE END REALIZES THAT THEY CANNOT? HOUSE, DEXTER, BREAKING BAD, THE WIRE? THE LIST GOES ON.
Ray Allen: Oh, come now, those shows are only that way for cynical economic reasons and because they don't want to alter the formula so much that they lose what made the shows successful in the first place. Looking at the formula for those shows is not the best way to find their most humane themes.
Kevin Garnett: MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT RAY, MAYBE I CAN CHAN-
*whistle*
Ref: Shot clock violation. Spurs Ball.
Kevin Garnett: GODDAMN IT RAY. I WANT TO DUNK ON DUNCAN SO HARD LIKE LAST YEAR.
Ray Allen: Okay, Kevin.
Tim Duncan: Kevin, I just want to wish you the best of luck in this game.

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