Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

The All-Star Game is back, baby!

Well, okay... All-Star weekend is back. After all, who cares about a bunch of overpaid ninnies refusing to play defense in a cash-grab by that devilish Stern? What really matters this weekend are the true main events: the dunk contest and the three-point shootout! In the dunk contest we've got Gerald Green, James White, and and Terrence Ross representing the East. You all know how I feel about Terrence Ross' Raptors but let's talk about James White for a moment. While he does play for the biggest of big market bullies, the New York Knicks, I believe a small-market heart beats within him. White started his career with our beloved Spurs back in 2006, but he didn't catch on there and had to play in Turkey, Italy, and Russia in order to make his way back to the NBA. He's demonstrated three very small market traits on his way back to the NBA: hard work, determination, and a devout hatred of communism. When he played for Saint Petersburg in 2009-10 he made absolutely sure that they didn't win a single accolade so that those dirty commies wouldn't be happy. It's surely no coincidence that Saint Petersburg won the Russian cup the year after he left!

The dunk contest ALSO has small-market saviors Jeremy Evans and Kenneth Faried participating, which is neat. But let's be real. Dunks are flashy, with pizzazz and artistry. Who has time for pizzazz and artistry in a small market? Not me, that's who. There's only one thing that REALLY matters during the all-star weekend: the good-old fashioned three point shootout. And what a doozy this year's event is going to be, friends! The West's main attraction is the peerless Matt Bonner, a man who once made, shot, and consumed 25 consecutive sandwiches from halfcourt. The Red-haired William Shatner lookalike will have Stephen Curry and Ryan Anderson alongside him in the West, but what I'm truly excited for is his competition in the East. Steve Novak, white-guy extraordinaire, will be a tough one to beat. Paul George is the object of affection for small marketeers everywhere and surpassed by only one man. The last man in this year's 3 point shooting contest and surely the one to will win at all, just as he's won our hearts? Kyrie Irving. Experts worldwide are expecting him to score a perfect 25/25 while showing everyone in the dunk contest by making his last attempt a dunk from the three-point line. Because if there's one man who can do it, it's Skyrie Irving.

One last note - I wasn't originally gonna talk about this, but the main page for the Skills Challenge has "Fundamentals" as the first word in its headline so I feel rather obligated to include it. There's a skills challenge! Several actual NBA players will compete to see whose definition of the word "skrillex" is closest to the actual definition, assuming they don't fall asleep during one of Kenny Smith's monologues. Can't wait! Here's hoping Coach B teaches his protege Tony Parker a bit about the fundamentals of the game (and a bit about skrillex) to help him repeat!

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Timothy Theodore Duncan is still day-to-day. In related news, I'm still crying every day. The NBA's state of the small market union, therefore, remains on hiatus. But that doesn't mean we can't talk about the world's smallest market!

Today, live from Vatican City, we bring you...

• • •

The State of The Smallest City Union (Sponsored by Pope Vincent III's Vintage Vestments)

Hellooo, nurse! Today we've got some big news out of the world's smallest market of all. That's right -- Vatican City! And before you naysayers point out that Vatican City can't be a true small market, I defy you to look up how many square miles the entire city encompasses. It's OK, I'll wait. ... [Editor's Note: Alex, our readers have absolutely no way to interact with you while you're writing a post. It's been 6 hours. Stop waiting.] ... Oh, that's right! Thanks Aaron. Can you look it up for me? ... [Editor's Note: Wait, what? You didn't look it up?] ... Yeah, alright, look. Buddy, Google is hard. ... [Editor's Note: It's 0.44 square miles with a population of 793.] ... Yeah! Thanks! So, anyway, Vatican City isn't even half a square mile, and its entire population numbers fewer than the number of children sired by Wilt Chamberlain. It's basically the definition of a small market! If you look up small market in the dictionary, you'd get a picture of Pope Benedict's tossed salads and scrambled eggs, as served by Kelsey Grammar in the hit television sh--

Alright, look, I'm not having a good morning. Ahem.

Point is, we've got some big news out of Vatican City this morning. Pope Benedict, the worldly equivalent of an unreasonably powerful small market mayor, has resigned the office of pope. His stated reason is old age, which makes a lot of sense -- according to Wikipedia, Pope Benedict first took office in 575, which was 1,438 years ago. Pretty sure Dick Bavetta is the only person we know who was around to see him take office. (We love you, Dick!) In appreciation of Pope Benedict's long and storied service, let's take a look at some of the greatest moments of Benedict's 1,438 year papacy. Due to constraints on time, we were unable to make a short film. Please imagine the following played on a gigantic screen in a dark room with a needlessly dramatic background track while coked out movie stars clap their hands off.

• 630: Our Tang-drinking homie Du Ruhui died. I'M POURING ONE OUT FOR MY BROTHER.
• 737: Bardock perished on his homeworld in Frieza's attack. [Source: Wikipedia]
• 1235: The Lancaster Royal Grammar School was founded.
• 1649: Oliver Cromwell's brief rule of England began!
• 1653: Oliver Cromwell's brief rule of England concluded!
• 1974: Much beloved President Gerald Ford was inaugurated as President of these United States of America.
• 2012: Michael Culpepper was named acting City Manager of Troy, MI after the recall of Mayor Janice Daniels.

Oh, the memories.

In honor of our dear Pope, this week is dedicated to his favorite team, the Notre Dame Fightin' Irish. Go Lady Vols!

• • •

Sperry's Space Stuff presents: "Rocketing To The Top!" Chandler Parsons MVP Watch

I have to apologize to Mr. Parsons for taking so long to include him in our MVP watch. Even the best stretches of The Jimmer With The Zimmer and Michael "Clownface" Dunleavy Jr. couldn't hold a candle to Chandler's February thus far -- the good man's posting up 18.3 points on 56% shooting with 4.5 rebounds and 4.3 assists! And he's posting that up without ever posting anyone up, too, which is harder than it looks. Not only that, but Chandler's letting his teammate James Harden average 17.2 shots per game during the stretch. What more could you want from this guy? He knows he can stuff his own stat sheet, but he'd rather let a banished 6th man enjoy his time in the sun and shoot as many shots as he wants. Not only that, but Chandler doesn't lead his team in a single statistical category! Where else could you find a guy this talented and this unselfish? It's crazy! In fact, he's so well-liked within the league that word around town is that he's helping Mr. Ross with his dunk contest entry because Ross and Chandler are just such great friends.

[Editor's Note: YOU'RE FIRED I'M FIRED WE'RE ALL FIRED SHUT IT ALL DOWN.]

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

This is it. This is the night. Our game of the night might as well be the game of the year! The two most amazing, most perfectest, most beautifulest point guards in the entire league go head to head tonight -- Ricky Rubio and Kyrie Irving lock irons in a deathmatch for the ages. Tricky Ricky will surely try some never-before-seen behind the head twistaroos, only to be countered by Kyrie's stout man-to-zone-plus-one defensive prowess. This is surely going to be a match-up full of flash and panache. Although, let's be honest. If it comes down to a grit and grind type contest, I'm afraid that Pretty Ricky has the advantage. He's incredibly experienced in grinding through games. See you next week, friends and family! (Mostly family!)

Continue reading

Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Friends, I still can't get over the week's most wonderful of news! Rudy Gay has finally left behind our beloved Grizzlies, and we replaced him with Tayshaun Prince! You may be wondering why I'm so happy that the Grizzlies lost their "best" scorer, and there's quite a simple reason why. Rudy Gay is a Big Market Bully, someone who eschews teamwork for his own personal gain; Tayshaun Prince is a Small Market Sacrificer, someone who would do anything for his team.

It makes sense then that Rudy Gay is on his way to Toronto (a place in Canada) to play his me-me-me game in a fancy pancy wannabe-European big market. Honestly, who espouses arrogance and self-centeredness more than the French? When you remember that Toronto is the capital of Ontario which is a state in the province of Quebec_ [Ed. Note: Ontario is not in Quebec, Alex] which for a reason unbeknownst to me tries to be _French and not American even though we're right next to each other... then yeah, folks! It makes perfect sense that Rudy "16 shots per game" Gay now plays for their home team. He never really fit in with the Grizzlies' true American grit and hard work "grind", instead relying on isolation mid-rangers and stand-alone reverse pivot jump-o's instead of running the tried and true pick-n-roll or hop-n-pop. [Ed. Note: Why do you write for a basketball blog, again?]

It also makes sense that Tayshaun Prince will now play in the heartland of the good ol' USA for America's team. In Detroit he's done nothing but sacrifice: he shot less so Brandon Knight could develop, he passed more to Greg Monroe so he could do cool big-guy stuff, and he kept his facial bones intact so that Rip Hamilton could be the only guy on the team with a sweet mask. Surely he's going to be a consummate teammate as always, offering to teach Marc Gasol better English (and hopefully Tony Allen along the way), going out and decidedly not beating anyone up with Zach Randolph, and also doing whatever cool trickaroonies he does on a basketball court.

Also apparently this deal was really good for Memphis' "cap space" but Tayshaun's and Rudy's heads look kinda the same size to me so I dunno what all that hullabaloo is about. Whatever, though, that's just another way the Grizz win this trade (besides not being located in the country of Canadia, of course). [Ed. Note: IT'S SPELLED CANADA.]

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Timothy Theodore Duncan went down in a game against the Wizards Saturday night. The one man who encapsulates everything which we as small markets stand for was struck by what could've been a season-ending freak injury to his knee. Thankfully, and I mean thankfully, our savior only has a sprained knee and sprained ankle, two injuries which have left him listed as "day-to-day". As such, this section will be put on day-to-day until the messiah makes his return, just as Jesus' Gestapoles did for Jesus when he was murdered by Lazarus but then raised himself from under that boulder they put on top of his grave.

I guess what I'm trying to say is pray for Timmy D. Or else.

• • •

Sperry's Space Stuff presents: "Rocketing To The Top!" Chandler Parsons MVP Watch

Just as Mike Dunleavy was wrecked by the news of his father possibly being hired to coach the Lakers, The Jimmer was wrecked by the news that his beloved franchise might be moving from Sacramento. As such, his play suffered and he's been replaced by Houston heartthrob Chandler Parsons. Because this is his first time on MVP watch, I've made you a nice little list to get acquainted with him:

• Chandler is the frontman of his own "98 Degrees" cover band, "37 Degrees (Celsius)."

• Chandler Parsons and Tyson Chandler once hugged and didn't let go for dozens of minutes in an attempt to fuse into Tyson Chandler Parsons.

• Chandler's parents best friends had a child named Ross so they named him Chandler in an attempt to make sure he always had a friend.

• Chandler ditched the aforementioned Ross after meeting the object of his newest bromance, Jeremy Lin.

• Chandler played for the Silverhawks in high school. His new goal is to become a Silver Fox as a senior citizen.

• Chandler was drafted 38th overall in 2011 but that's like being a lottery pick for a white guy who doesn't play center so he's reportedly "super chill" about it.

• Chandler has a habit of adding parsley to every meal because it kinda sounds like his last name and makes him giggle.

• Chandler has promised to never make any male offspring play golf because they'd just be par sons.

Congratulations, Chandler! Make our feature proud.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Great news, compadres and compatriots! Tonight is a night for the ages as far as great quality basketball goes. As such, tonight we have a choose-your-own-game! Here are your two options. If you watch any other game, you're excommunicated! Forever!

Chicago @ Indiana - The highest profile game tonight and quite possibly the highest profile game ever. Derrick Rose is injured for the Bulls and Danny Granger is injured for the Pacers, but that makes this game even more watchable! Do you have any idea how many amazing rebounds will be collected without those guys to "create offense"? Can you fathom the strategy behind the 18 seconds it'll take to get the ball to a power forward in the post for an old-timey hook shot? How about trying to imagine one of these teams scoring over 80 points!? This will be basketball at its purest, ladies and gents, full of everything the game is about - rebounds, offensive rebounds, and boards! Ha-ha!

Portland @ Minnesota - Minnesota took on Portland's infamous injury curse by stealing Brandon Roy away in an effort to rejuvenate his career. What ended up happening was Roy got re-injured and made me super duper sad all over again and then Minnesota's players started dropping like flies right after him. This is what happens when you tamper with the moving Indian burial ground known as the Portland Trailblazers. Look for Ricky Rubio to attempt some sort of fancy behind the back pass of Roy's injury curse to Damian Lillard. If there's one person in this league who can pass something that serious on, it's Marco Rubio, Senator from the sinful state of Florida who somehow finds time to moonlight as the starting point guard for the Minnesota Timberpups.

Keep on keepin' on, Marco.

Continue reading

Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Last week we discussed the All-Star candidacy of Rajon Rondo (related: why haven't we made bionic ACLs yet? Get on it, Doctors!) and Kyrie Irving (WHOO I LOVE YOU BABY). All was made right this week when Kyrie Irving was named as an All-Star reserve. And due to Rajon Rondo's extraordinarily unfortunate injury, he should be the starting point guard for the Eastern Conference! Not even a small market backer such as myself can condone the slightest of injuries to the biggest of big market players. Doing so would be quite big market bully-esque. I refuse. Get well soon, Rondo!

You know who won't be playing in the All-Star Game this year though, no injuries required? The traitorous Joe Johnson, of course! Having played in Small Market Mecca Atlanta since 2005 ("CAW CAWWWWWW"), he was rewarded by the Gods that be with 6 straight dubiously deserved All-Star appearances from 2007 - 2012. Note how I said 2012 and not 2013. Hah! Joey J made his way to the fakest of all big markets this offseason -- Brooklyn. They're not a real big market! They just moved from small-market-at-heart New Jersey this year! They parade Jay-Z around to pretend like he's a real owner. Come on! The man barely owns 1/15th of 1 percent of the franchise, just so they can be relevant... wait, hold up, I'm being told that's worth over a million dollars. That also happens to be much, much more than what I'm worth. Blast it all. You win again, Jay-Zed.

But that's all beside the point -- Joe Johnson broke his streak of six straight All-Star Games by moving from Atlanta to Brooklyn. In fact, not a single Brooklyn Net is playing in the All-Star Game this year, even though they're 26-18 and it's well-deserved. Unless anyone was paying attention when Nets owner Bruce Ratner used eminent domain to displace hundreds of citizens in order to make over a billion dollars. There's no way that happened, right? Oh. It did? Well, dang. Speaking of which, how the heck did they use a law of Eminem's domain when Jay-Z is their part owner rapper?! There's got to be some beef there, right? Something's rotten in the state of Brooklyn, Horatio. Anyway. How about this -- we as fans need to use our power of eminent domain or whatever it's called to take back every All-Star spot ever awarded to them from the Nets and ensure that none of those poseur big marketeers ever make it in? Seems reasonable to me.

Hopefully, thanks to us, an All-Star spot will never be an (emi)Net's domain.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Friends, the Arnonymous (Hey, that's me! With a cool futuristic twist, too!!!) has predicted the future again. Last week in this very column I wrote that David Stern had cooked up a devilish scheme "to derail the Champacers on their quest for moral and NBA victory." Instead of sabotaging the Indiana "Champacers" in favor of one of his precious big market teams, he's gone for the Robert E. Lee route and trying to break us up from the inside. In their game against the fellow small-market superteam Utah Jazz Saturday night, the Pacers should have had the ball down 2 with 2.2 seconds left following some inbound follies on the part of the Jazz. But yegads! The referees did as Lord $tern (get it? Because... money!) told them to and screwed the Pacers out of the win at the hands of the Jazz. Emphasis on hands of the Jazz and not Jazz hands of the Utah. Vastly different stories.

Anyways, it sucked. But don't be mad at our small market brethren Jazz! Don't fall prey to Stern's devilish ploy by devolving into a civil war between ourselves! Just remember that he is and will always be our true enemy. Only someone as scheming as he could draw this plan up. Stern is without question the gold standard of evil. Thus, it's only right that his successor is named after silver...

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

Sigh. This is it. The end of the reign of The Jimmer. 5-16 over the past 3 games and 32.9% shooting for the month of January is unacceptable for someone who should be shooting AT LEAST 66.6% to prove that he can out-duel Mr. Stern. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. Stay tuned for next week when we unveil our newest MVP candidate.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Our search for the next MVP candidate just so happens to bring us to... our next MVP candidate. That's right, you guessed it, we're heading the least sinningest (AKA happiest) place on Earth, Salt Lake City! The Houston Rockets and Chandler Parsons will be taking on the Utah Jazz and Gordon Hayward. Not in a game of basketball, though, but in a much more important game - the game to win the hearts of pre-teen girls around the nation:

Just look at those smiles. Those perfectly coiffed boy band haircuts. Those crystal clear blue eyes, the kind you get lost swimming in for hours. Chandler's rough Texas scruff and Gordon's holy Utah cleanliness. These two men are the role models of the future - they've proved that you don't need the unholy carnal desires your loins thrust upon you but rather you just need to go out there and have fun with your buds! Stop thinking about thrusting loins! They sure as heck don't! Heck, Gordon's parents almost didn't let him play professional basketball because they felt that their son was "not yet spiritually ready to handle the temptations of the NBA". If you don't want your sons to be them and your daughters to date them then you've failed yourself as a small marketeer. And if you won't allow them to steal your own heart then you should probably be out there stealing residences from the nice citizens of Brooklyn instead.

God bless you, Chandler and Gordon. God. Bless. You.

(This segment paid for by the Albuquerque Abstinence Awareness Association - where men should be role models, not pole models.)

Continue reading

Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Remember Smash Mouth's smash hit "All Star"? Having made that song my life's motto many moons ago, I was incredibly disappointed recently when I learned that the absolute poetry which legendary frontman Steve Harwell blessed our lives with isn't 100% true.

With All-Star Game voting concluding recently, I had latched on to one lyric in particular - only shooting stars break the mold. What an astute metaphor that was for the wonderful game of basketball, I thought. Only rising small market superstars could break the big market mold. I knew that the unholy liberal elite New England media stranglehold was going to incessantly push for stat-padder and all-around petulant child Rajon Rondo to start in the All-Star Game. I also knew that small market darling and future greatest point guard of all-time Kyrie Irving was much more deserving than Mr. Rondo as is evident by a quick look at their Player Efficiency Ratings: Kyrie is 2th among all point guards in the East, behind only Kyle Lowry who has played 329 minutes less than Kyrie, whereas Rondo is 6th among Eastern conference point guards. This is surely incontrovertible evidence, right? Wrong.

You see, I forgot to factor in the fact that those uppity liberal elites would stop at nothing to win! The All-Star Game is a popularity contest voted on by the unwashed masses and who else but big marketeers would have millions of these cretins in their city? As you probably know by now, Rajon Rondo will be starting for the East in this year's All-Star Game and not Kyrie Irving. Smash Mouth lied to me. Smash Mouth lied to us all. I've been spending the weekend making all of my friends promise not to eat anything associated with Guy Fieri or listen to Insane Clown Posse records (which, granted, no one should be doing in the first place) because of the resemblance they all bear with the Mouth's lead singer. But I guess only one thing truly matters now:

Hey Rondo, you're an all-star.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

In this section last week I told you young guns to look out for Denver, Utah, and San Antonio at home in the upcoming week and as always the Arnoninator (that's me with a cool Schwarzenegger twist, get it!?) got it right. The Nuggets went 3-1, the Jazz went 2-0, and the Spurs went 2-0. What's more impressive is the teams they accomplished this against -- the Jazz beat the reigning champion Heat, the Nuggets beat the reigning Western champion Thunder, and the Spurs beat the reigning grittiness champion Grizzlies. Home is where the heart is, my friends, and we small marketeers have more than enough heart.

In related news, the model small market franchise Indiana Pacers have snuck into the 3rd seed in the East without their biggest star, Granny Danger (who is unrelated to all those unfortunate actresses playing grandmas in danger everywhere in LifeAlert commercials). They play their next 4 on the road however, surely a devilish scheme by David Stern himself to derail the Champacers on their quest for moral and NBA victory. Never fear, though -- the Pacers will make it to the Eastern Conference Championship... at the very least.

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

The Stormin' Mormon has looked more like the Dormant Mormon as of late, surely a reaction to the news that he is going to be relocated to hippy pot-smoking paradise Seattle next season. How do you expect someone with the moral fiber of one Mr. Jimmer Fredette to enjoy himself on days off in a town where all the locals do is sip caffeine-filled lattes (the only energy worth having is that which God's love inspires you with!) and make snarky comments about people without Macbooks in their local Starbucks? As we all know, Jimmer is still an ardent Windows ME user. He likes telling people it stands for "Mormon Empathy" before he shows them the righteousness of Joseph Hezekiah Smith's original teachings. One must hope that Jimmer doesn't have a Mike Dunleavy-esque fall from grace due to this troubling news, but we're going to have to keep an eye out for a possible new MVP candidate -- I've got my eye on you, Chandler Parsons.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Today's Martin Luther King day, friends! We get to celebrate the contributions of the greatest Americans of all time by watching basketball from 10AM to 10PM (if you're on the Best Coast, that is... SUCK IT BIG MARKET LEAST COAST). Unfortunately, the game of the night will be the first game on the day's slate - the Champacers take on the gritty Grizzlies in a showdown sure to feature brilliant rebounding and beautifully drawn inbound plays. Words can't describe my love for the double-screen half-court pirouetting mid-range pump fake play which Indiana coach Frank Vogel calls at least once a game after a particularly strategic timeout. And don't get me started on Grizzlies Coach Lionel Hollins' famous "Who Let The Dogs Out" play where Marc Gasol just reads Tony Allen's Twitter feed out loud to Zach Randolph's defender as Mike Conley simultaneously barks at him which frees Randolph to intentionally brick a Z-pointer that he sprints after and cleans up for the Z-Bound.

One more note - even though it's not a Small Market game in the least you have my permission to watch the Lakers travel to Chicago and lose yet again. I'll be damned if there's anything more hilarious than any arrogant dream big market dream team having a sub-.500 record halfway through the season. I have a dream. I have a dream that big market teams will one day play in a league where they will not be judged by the number of their superstars but by the number of their wins. And when that day comes, we can all get together to laugh at the Lakers together regardless of race, creed, or color. Amen.

Continue reading

Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Happy Monday, everyone! Today I'd like to discuss everyone's small market darling, the Sacramento Kings. You've probably heard the news by now -- a consortium of "lattechino"-sipping Seattle socialites are trying to purchase the Kings from the oft-maligned Maloof brothers in an attempt to forcibly bring back the Seattle Supersonics. At best, this move is robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Perhaps the Sonics were un-rightfully robbed from Seattle. Well, alright -- they definitely were. But what gives them the right to steal the Kings from Sacramento? The fact that the Seattle fanbase knows what it's like to lose a team should give them more perspective than the average observer, yet all I see from them is "sucks to suck, Sacramento". There are children in Sacramento who love nothing more than to watch Jimmer swish 3's, to see Isaiah Thomas put up 21 points in the 3rd quarter, or try to figure out why DeMarcus Cousins anything he ever does.

How do you explain this to them?

This move could result in anywhere between 600 to 1,000 jobs being lost in Sacramento, one of the hardest-hit recession cities: they're currently sporting a disturbingly high 11.7% unemployment rate. The city of Sacramento approved spending $255 million dollars of the taxpayers money to keep the Kings there. Doesn't matter! They still might be moved, thanks to the incompetence of the Maloofs! Remember those kids I made up earlier in an unabashed attempt to tug your heartstrings? Imagine them losing their favorite team while their single mother loses her job alongside them because she worked in ticket sales for the Kings. Welp.

Yes, Seattle fans, life is tough and terrible things happen. Does that really justify taking the Kings away from a city who loves them despite their extremely incompetent owners? The Sacramento Kings actually hold the record for the 4th longest sell-out streak in league history... even when they were sub 0.500 for 11 of those 12 straight years. Having something stolen from you doesn't give you the right to steal from others, no matter how unjustified the wrongdoing was. Kings fans need to pressure the Maloofs into selling to an ownership group who will take a better role in managing the team, then start a brand new record sell-out streak. Because if they don't, maybe the Supersonics really should be saved.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

I generally spend this section telling you all about how the Grizzlies have been dominating everyone and the Lakers are floundering. Just as everyone expected, thanks to ESPN's countless "will these Grizzlies go 82-0?" features over the offseason! This week, though, I'd like to you look to the future instead. There are three teams who are going to be rocketing up the standings soon enough, and I want you guys to impress your many friends by hyping them up before their winning streaks (and before ESPN's "is Mo Williams the greatest point guard ever" coverage begins for the 17th time). These three teams have one thing in common - they've played a much larger portion of their games on the road than at home thus far and have insane home records in those scant games.

The Spurs have played 18 home games to 22 road games, having gone 16-2 at home. Similarly, the Nuggets have played 16 at home and 23 on the road, protecting their house with a strong 14-2 home record. Finally, the team everyone expected to be a top-4 seed this year, the Utah Jazz, have played just 15 games at home compared with 24 on the road, winning 11 of their 15 home games. When you compare all of these numbers to #1 seed OKC's 21 home and 16 road games or #2 seed LAC's 22 home and 15 road games, you see that the 3 teams I listed have the potential to take the position in the western standings we all knew they would. Especially if they trade for Jimmer.

He's the missing piece, OK?

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

Jimmer is still reeling from the shock of his wedding video being leaked last week, having gone 5-19 from the field since. We'll be sure to keep you updated on this developing situation, but in the meantime just forget about his struggles and spend a good half hour watching this .gif over and over and over and over:

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

John Wall is back, ladies and gentlemen, and the prices of tickets for tonight's game in Washington DC have nearly doubled in price - they start at a whole 2 dollars instead of 1! Instead of paying those exorbitant prices, you can sit at home to watch. It's the first half of our game-of-the-night doubleheader! That's right, tonight we have a very special doubleheader. That's because the Cavaliers will be traveling to Sacramento in a fierce match-up between the "most lovely and perfect and beautiful point guard ever" Kyrie Irving and "not bad at all for the literal last pick" Isaiah Thomas.

There's one sub-plot that made this doubleheader necessary tonight -- I've heard some sordid rumblings in the small market underworld that Kings fans are fed up with all the drama surrounding the move from Sacaramento. [Ed. Note: More colloquially, the "small market underworld" is known as "Twitter."] and will throw rotten eggs at the Maloofs tonight.

Why would they throw rotten eggs at the Kings owners, you ask?

Because they're mal oeufs.

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Good morning, small marketeers! I hope you all enjoyed your New Year's celebrations. Today I come to you with a simple request for the year -- remember the legends of the game. Far too often we consider our generation's greatest to be the greatest ever when the small market way of life would be to simply respect the all-time greats. It's impossible to know who the greatest of all time truly is due to the ever-changing rules of the game, evolving training methods, and differing strategies. All of the greats hang up their jerseys knowing that they'll be forgotten by the annals of history, left out of everyone's favorite moments. And because of this, in an odd way, the decision for a player to retire from the NBA is somewhat like the decision to end a relationship.

You see, the worst part about a break-up is knowing you'll be forgotten soon enough, thanks to the sands of time or a replacement coming into that person's life. Perhaps that replacement isn't as objectively good as you once were, but to the person in love -- the person who used to be in love with you -- that new person is their everything. Hell, even if they know deep down that this new person isn't as good a fit for them, at least that person is actually there in the here and now. They're a tangible object as opposed to a distant memory. And who can trust memories anyways? They're always these wispy, fragile things floating around your head subject to change on every emotional whim. Sure, the best times and the worst times stand out for as long as they can be remembered. But that constant day-in, day-out support and love and just being there for the person is the first thing to be forgotten.

And so it goes for the greats of time immemorial. It's easy to remember the things like small market superstar David Robinson's 71 point game and his season-ending injury but forget that he averaged over 23 points, 10 rebounds, and 3 blocks per game for 7 straight seasons. Moses Malone's fo' fo' fo' declaration will live on forever in basketball history, but what about his nearly 25 points/18 rebounds per game averages in 1978-79 with Houston, a feat that hasn't come close to being replicated since? Kareem has the all-time scoring record, but how about his 34 point/16 rebound average with the Bucks in 1971-1972? Adrian Dantley put up nearly 31 points a night along with 6.4 rebounds and 4.8 assists for the Jazz in 1982-83... as a 6'5" power forward. They weren't just flashes in the pan to be defined by their highest moments. These stars made their bread the same way today's lunch-pail players make theirs -- they show up. They're just there.

My point here is that there's a lot of nuance which gets left behind in the debate to find the greatest ever. We have a habit of overrating the stars of our generation, the ones we came of age with like an unforgotten high school love a la Michael Jordan or the ones we get to see ply their craft on prime-time each and every night like LeBron James or Kobe Bryant. We'll never know who was truly the best and that's alright. There's been so many amazingly talented players. It's a certainty that someone better will come along, just as someone better will come along after that new GOAT has retired. Your children are going to proclaim their generation's superstar to be better than Michael Jordan and we're going to put up the counter-argument of it being a different era just as the elders who proclaim Bill Russell the greatest ever do today. So I propose this -- let's stop trying to figure this out. Let's remember all the greats for just how phenomenal they were on such a lengthy timeline instead of remembering them as "that guy who's only the 5th best power forward of all time". Let's stop being obsessed with rankings and arguments and focusing on just a few players at the top. Let's learn our history, respect everyone's game, and marvel at just how separately talented two players can be while playing the same sport.

And most of all, let's respect our elders.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Usually I'm on the side of the small markets as all of you beautiful, amazing readers know. But frankly? I'm getting quite fed up with the one thing they've consistently been doing wrong -- stealing from big market teams. I understand the Robin Hood aspect of it, but theft is theft. I mean, c'mon -- the Grizzlies traded Pau Gasol (have you SEEN him play lately?) to the Lakers for now-top-3 big man Marc Gasol, the Jazz traded the moody Deron Williams to the Nets for Derrick Favors and 2 primo first round picks, the Cavs received the pick from the Clippers which became Kyrie Irving for Mo Williams, and the Blazers received the pick which became presumptive rookie of the year Damian Lillard from those silly Nets again! Come on, guys! Stealing is wrong, even when it's completely hilarious!

And now the Kings are trying to get in on the fleecing action. The latest news has them trying to get rid of that cantankerous malcontent center DeMarcus Cousins and under-sized big man Chuck Hayes for the Celtics' trio of Avery Bradley, Courtney Lee, and Jason Terry. Excuse me, NBA champion Jason Terry. They'd be receiving a defensive superstar in the making in Bradley, a tricky guard who has been to the finals in Courtney Lee, and a bonafide NBA champion in Jason Terry. All for a guy who gets suspended for getting in verbal altercations with one of the best commentators in the league (and fellow small market maverick) Sean Elliot.

Nice try, Kings, but everyone has to play fair -- even when it comes to ripping those big market bullies off.

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

I'm not going to bore you with fancy-shmancy "statistics" today.

Instead, I implore you to watch this video of Jimmer's marriage and try to tell me that he shouldn't be MVP.

If you still have a shred of doubt about it, just stare at this .GIF for as long as it takes to convince you:

(Well-deserved hat-tip to the guys over at Sactown Royalty for linking me to this)

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Tonight the narratives of our two previous features come together in out game of the night -- the Memphis Grizzlies taking on the Sacramento Kings in Sacramento. You'll get to see what could perhaps be one of DeMarcus Cousins' last games before the Kings fleece a big market team in a trade for him, much like the Grizzlies did to the Lakers for Marc Gasol -- who should be guarding DMC for the majority of this game. You'll also get to see leading MVP candidate Jimmer Fredette unleash his arsenal of 3 pointers and hopefully (if there's any justice in the world) see him pull a similar move to the one above as a celebration. And, if you're really lucky? You'll get to see DeMarcus berate an announcer while Jimmer dougies on top of the announcer's table to add to the sting of DMC's words. And then they'll announce that they're going to live together Real World style and film a reality show of it.

Please, Small Market Allah, for the love of all that's holy make it happen.

• • •

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR: Hey, all. Aaron here. My weeklong break ends tomorrow -- I'll be starting a new Tuesday/Thursday column. For the most part I'll just be going over whatever comes to mind, with a few consistent features becoming apparent as time goes by. This Tuesday? The Wizards are on the discussion table, because we know how much everyone thirsts for Wizards coverage. Going to discuss their performance on the year with a general focus on how they're so hilariously bad on offense, so "good" on defense, and so utterly luckless overall. See you then.

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Top of the morning to you, dearest reader! I know you must've missed me in my recent absence but I had to attend to some pressing familial issues, something for which I apologize to you. I would have loved to keep you updated on your beloved small markets during this time but I had to keep to our small market values, the most important of which are family values. Enough about me, though, and on to today's subject -- family values in the NBA!

There's been many NBA players related to one another - Brook and Robin Lopez are brothers, Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady are cousins, and Dell and Steph Curry are a sharpshooting father/son duo. Who could ever forget the Pau for Marc Gasol trade, the New York playground legends of cousins Stephon Marbury and Sebastian Telfair, or the shared capriciousness of the Bynum brothers - Will and Andrew? There's Bill Walton's hilarious legend compared to his son Luke Walton's hilarious uselessness, the always entertaining commentating couplet of Jon and Brent Barry (seriously, he used the word scuttlebutt on NBATV recently), and the gritty toughness of the Evans twins, Tyreke and Reggie.

I listed all that fluff out not just to up my word count (to make notorious big-market apologist and big marketeer editor-in-chief Aaron McGuire happy) [Ed. Note: How many times must I reiterate -- I don't care about your word count!], but to make the point that the family who plays together stays together. And it's not just a basketball-specific phenomenon either -- sure, the family that watches basketball together will stay together, but so will the family that does pretty much anything together. Except domestic violence, probably. That... that wouldn't be very cool. I guess this was all just a really roundabout way to say "spend time with your family, you selfish buffoons". You truly never know if that last Bobcats game you watched with your dad will be the last one or if that argument you had with your brother about Durant vs. LeBron will never get settled or if just telling someone close to you that you love and appreciate them will give them something to keep living for. As someone who had to learn this lesson the hard way just over two weeks ago, I want you to go tell a loved one just how much they mean to you. Seriously, go do it right now. Your computer isn't going anywhere anytime soon and if it does, it's replaceable. They aren't. Go do it. Please.

I love you, Dad.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

The Los Angeles Clippers are currently on a magnificent tear through the league, having just won their 17th game in a row Sunday night. "But, Alex," you think, "the Clippers are in Los Angeles, one of the biggest markets of all!" On the surface this does seem to be the case, guy in my imagination, but think about it: the Clippers have always been the ignored little brother to the bigger, badder Lakers. And if there's one thing I've learned over the course of my brief lifetime, it's that you can be big market on the surface yet small market at heart just like these Los Angeles Clippers. Uncoincidentally (I DON'T CARE IF THIS ISN'T A WORD, MCGUIRE) [Ed. Note: I DON'T CARE EITHER, WHY ARE WE TALKING IN ALL-CAPS] enough, the top 8 teams in the west at the moment are either small markets or small market at heart. It's not as applicable in the eastern conference, but you know what those ESPN talking heads always say - the western is the bestern and the eastern is the leastern!

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

The Jimmer is still rustling our jimmies. Still top-5 in the league for point guard PER, even as he lets troubled teammate DeMarcus Cousins get his first career triple-double in order to boost his trade value for a big market team to give valuable young assets for. He's the ultimate team player, the leader of our hearts, and the guider of our souls. In his last two games - two contests against the biggest of the big markets, the Knicks and Celtics - he went 56% from 3-point land, a rate which vanquished both of his foes. You see, Jimmer doesn't deserve to be just a Sacramento King. He deserves to be a Small Market Knight, demolishing all those big market dragons which lie in his path on his quest to reset the balance of today's NBA by throwing the One Championship Ring into the fiery hellscape of Memphis's Mount Doom. But remember, kids - one does not simply take ridiculously deep 3s into Mordor.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

There's not much tonight in the way of small market games, so the honor has to go to the Memphis Grizzlies visiting beautiful Indianapolis to take on the Pacers sans their star player, the Batman. If you ask me, he's faking the injury so that he can take on this evil Fiscal Cliff villain. It's becoming famous -- all of those people who actually care about "politics" (bleh) and the "economy" (meh) and "the future of this country at-large" (yawn) have been talking about it. But that's beside the point - we're here to talk about basketball and basketball is what you'll receive tonight. Look for the Pacers to hit the offensive glass hard (figuratively, not Amar'e-style literally) in classic small market fashion as the Grizzlies attempt to spread the ball around and make as many bank shots as possible before the bank closes for New Year's Day.

And on that wonderful joke, I'm out, dear readers - see you in 2013!

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Good day, faithful readers! I apologize for not following our tried-and-true structure last week, but that whole Spurs fiasco really rustled my Jimmies. Seeing as how being critical certainly isn't a value we small marketeers like to propagate, I'm going to make amends today by teaching our true values to the team who needs it most -- the big-market Los Angeles Lakers. I know, I know. I've written about the Lakers much more than other (perhaps more deserving) small market teams. But rubbing in everyone's faces just how well-run our teams are isn't in our code of values. But charity is - and the Lakers certainly need charity after last night's dismal-yet-hilarious performance where they lost their fourth of five games, each of which to a small market juggernaut. The first loss was to the Orlando Magic, the team Dwight Howard left to join the Lakers, and a team from which two lessons can be derived.

The first of these lessons? Originality. All of us are unique and precious snowflakes with lives to be cherished and one-of-a-kind legacies to be made. You should never strive to be like anyone else, nor should you abandon the team which did everything you wanted them to do just like the last transcendent center to play for that team did. Dwight changed it up a bit by virtually not trying at all in the penultimate year of his contract while trying to force a trade to the Brooklyn Nets, but the end result was the same when he ended up with the Lakers. Just like good ol' Shaqnificent. You really need to try to be yourself Dwight. Unless your true self is a guy with an obnoxiously over-the-top "wacky" persona who tries to eat cookies off of his forehead like a 3rd grader in a game of truth or dare gone wrong. Then you might want to try to be someone else. But only then.

Another thing you need to try, Mr. Howard, is practicing free throws. These are a small market staple as success in them comes from thousands of hours of hard work and preparation, not planking on Pepsi machines. Disregard my previous thoughts, maybe you should go back to eating cookies off your own face. But never mind that either. What you should REALLY do is avoid going 9/21 from the free throw line in a game decided by 10 points. I'm not the best 'mathologist' around but if you were to make all of those, you would've scored more points than the final margin, which generally means you would've won that game! Awaiting confirmation on this. [Ed. Note: I am a professional mathologist. You are correct. --Aaron] Ha! See, mom? I really COULD be a professional mathologist, if I wanted to. I could be anything at all, ever. Regardless. Dwight, please inject some originality into your life. And considering that Shaq was also really terrible at free throws, you could definitely kill two birds with one stone here.

The third lesson to be learned from these losses is selflessness. In the second loss of this streak, Kobe Bryant took 31 shots for 39 points. Considering that the Lakers are 1-9 when Kobe scores over 30 points this is an obvious mental lapse on Kobe's part. He simply needs to take no more than 14 2-point shots a game while taking a lesson from Dwight Howard's book by missing any free throws he takes - this way, he can't possibly score more than 30 points and the Lakers might actually have a chance to win! With those extra 17 possessions, Kobe can utilize these unbeknownst concepts like "ball movement" and "teamwork" in order to try to "win close games" for the Lakers.

Finally, the last lesson is incredibly simple: for the love of Small Market Allah (A.K.A. Reggie Miller), don't give Chris Duhon minutes. And don't, under any circumstances, let him start. Or else you might somehow get a point guard racking up all of 3 assists in 32 minutes. Normally we small marketeers are in favor of giving everyone a chance in the interests of fairness, but this is the one exception. Chris Duhon: Not even once.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Yawn. The sun rose on this beautiful Monday morning. The sky is still blue. Javale McGee is still the most magnificent creature to have ever graced a basketball court. And the San Antonio Spurs, Oklahoma City Thunder, and Memphis Grizzlies still have the three best records in the league. The Spurs got revenge on Commissioner Stern by winning all 4 of their games since the sanctions, the Thunder joined them by doing so, and the Grizzlies let the Spurs win in their first game in a post-sanction world. You see, David, we small marketers stick together when times get tough. You can't just strong-arm us into submission. Our wills only grow stronger in the face of adversity, we don't back down from our core beliefs just because Dan Gilbert sent us a strongly-worded letter. Nor will Dan Gilbert keep writing his letters in Comic Sans after we give him a talking to at our next small market committee meeting for that matter.

You see, David Stern, the sun never sets on the small market empire.

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

The Jimmer was jobbed. After getting the attention of our MVP watch, he was told to play two games in back-to-back nights, a Herculean task surely unmatched by most NBA players. Therefore it's no surprise to learn that after a blistering 50% shooting performance (that means he made at least a third of his shots!), he followed it up with an 0-6 game thanks to the fatigue he surely felt in his morally pure legs. Once he got some rest, he proceeded to shoot 58% over his next two games while proving that he'd learned a valuable lesson. Fredette once again had two games in two nights -- is there anything Stern won't stoop to to get back at us small marketeers? -- but he knew better than to play into Stern's hands and chose to not play a single minute in the second game of this back-to-back, a game in which his team won against Portland. How many other players would not only sacrifice themselves, but in doing so would lead their team to a win? None. And that's why Jimmer Jebediah Fredette is our MVP.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Thanks to last week's rant there wasn't actually a game of the night, but we're going to go ahead and say that every Spurs game that week was the game of the night. Uncoincidentally_ [Ed. Note: That is not a word.], they just so happened to win every single one of those games! Isn't it amazing what the human spirit is capable of when times get tough? One time, my great aunt Sally fell down the stairs _without her handy dandy Life Alert! But instead of sitting their wallowing in self pity, she got right on up and took her glucosamine pills in order to prevent any joint injuries from happening in the future. And that's exactly what Coach Pop did. But, uh, in basketball form. I guess. Yeah.

But enough about last week, tonight we have our MVP favorite's Sacramento Kinds taking on everyone's favorite Dallas Mavericks. Look for Jimmer to light it up not only from deep, but in our hearts. Look for the Mavericks to fight passionately without Dirk, even more passionate than Dirk fired up with disco fever. And last but not least, look inside yourself to see if these small market teams can teach you any lessons about your life. Especially if that lesson is taught by Mavericks owner Mark Cuban and has to do with skinny jeans. Because you know what? This might be the small market Wrangler fan in me talking but...

I just don't get it either.

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

"This was an unacceptable decision by the San Antonio Spurs and substantial sanctions will be forthcoming."

That's what commissioner David Stern had to say before fining the San Antonio Spurs a quarter of a million dollars because the best coach in the NBA, Gregg Popovich, rested his stars on a long road trip. Yes, that's right, resting your older players is an unacceptable decision in the eyes of Mr. Stern. But overstepping his bounds and vetoing a trade that both team GMs involved approved? Sure, why not, that happens all the time! But it's alright, the Hornets got the 1st pick in the draft after the trade got vetoed -- you know, the draft for which the choosing of the order takes place behind closed doors and isn't shown to anyone but people on the NBA payroll.

How about Donald Sterling ringing people into the locker rooms to let them admire the "beautiful black bodies" of the players? Well, I guess they are beautiful. And good old Donald Sterling sure is an upstanding member of his community! We'll let that one slide too.And remember how Stern oversaw two lockouts within a span of 12 years, leading to some teams playing 5 games in 6 days? It was good for ratings, the viewers at home love watching sloppy basketball where the players have a higher probability of getting injured because they're playing for the third night in a row! And if the coach thinks they need some rest, he can just sit them for a game!

Wait, what's that? Oh yeah. Nevermind.

What about the time a referee was caught manipulating games for gambling purposes? That was classic, wasn't it? Sure, it was a bit of a misstep, but Stern sure did do the right thing by loosening restrictions on NBA referees gambling and then never answering questions about it again! And refusing to acknowledge referee fallibility except in fledgling gasps in the death throes of his career! Whatta guy!

You're starting to get the point here, right? I'm not going to insult your intelligence by further pointing out the hypocrisy of what David Stern calls "unacceptable" and what he allows in today's NBA, where he is king. And nor should Stern insult your intelligence by pretending that he actually, genuinely cares about the Spurs sitting some players. This is nothing more than a power play at the expense of the small market Spurs to show them their place. This is David Stern getting revenge for never being able to market a team that won 4 championships in 8 years to a national audience even though he's supposedly the marketing genius of the NBA.

Let's face it, who in today's ESPN big market culture will care about the Spurs outside of the blogosphere? The casual fans who've never gone out of their way to watch the Spurs will let out their generic "well Stern probably fined them because they're so boring to watch" jokes and the other casuals will laugh along because that's what the television told them to think. The Spurs are everything that's right and winning about today's NBA and that's why they're hated. There are no storylines to be found in a team that just goes out and wins. There's no drama in a team that builds from within and doesn't land marquee free agents but still wins. There's no controversies to be found when a team utilizes teamwork, floor spacing, and ball movement to win. Did I mention... wins? (In case I didn't, let me say it again, with emphasis this time: wins.)

In short, there's no one that would go out of their way to see a small market team like the Spurs unless there was some sort of moral uproar involving them. No casual fan isn't going to be THAT excited about a regular season Heat/Spurs match-up without some added drama, even if it is on national TV! There's no way people would actually get up-in-arms about a Spurs game unless outside factors created an insane, controversial, and ridiculous overarching conflict that brought in viewers and made people forget all about the Spurs' small market snappiness. Without some villainous looming figure to create the controversy, nobody but a few random bloggers are_ really_ going to care about the Spurs playing a TNT game, no matter who's on the floor. David Stern would have to create some kind of ridiculous meta-story if he ever wanted the Spurs to really drive ratings. Something so ridiculous that it essentially forced writers to scribe obscenely haughty pieces bloviating for both sides. A story-above-the-story. Drama for the nondramatic. And how could David Stern accomplish something like tha--...

Hey. Wait a hot second.

Oh, David... maybe you really are the marketing guru they say you are...

In solidarity with Coach Popovich and the San Antonio Spurs, I sent the other mainstays of this feature home to Finland on a Southwest flight. Just try to fine me, McGuire.

• • •

• IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM THE EDITOR •

You can do that, Alex Arnon, but know that I will be withholding your pay until further notice in solidarity with David Stern's position. Good luck buying that shiny new gold-plated trap album without your weekly $15,000 salary you make from your cushy blogging job! Also: retroactively, I'm withholding all prior pay. Which means it's a good thing we hadn't paid you any of it yet. Also, probably a good thing nobody else on the staff realized you were making $15,000 a week before this pernicious act, given that nobody else here makes anything and we had no actual way to pay you that salary. Also, it's a good thing I never told you about it. I'm a great editor like that. Always striving, never diving. That's what my pops always used to say. Because I can't swim, damnit.

... What was I talking about again? -- McGuire

• THIS CONCLUDES YOUR IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM THE EDITOR •

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Good morning, dearest readers! After last week's installment of your favorite feature, we received a very encouraging e-mail which gave me a glimmer of hope in this ever dreadful, ever amoral world:

Hey Alex, huge fan here!

I've come upon a moral quandary while reading your work -- I'm a small market soul living in a big market town! While I'd like to blame my parents for conceiving me in such a soul-sucking, hope-trampling cesspool and making me a fan of the Los Angeles Lakers by pure proximity, I can't bring myself to it. I simply love them too much to do that... I guess that's some small market kindness shining through! Do you have any advice for me?

Sincerely, John H.

John, John, John... I am so happy you decided to write in to me because this is one of the very (very) few things I like to consider myself an expert on. Let me tell you the first thing about small markets - it doesn't matter where you live, it just matters how you live. You seem to be on a good start already with your kindness but you're going to have to prepare to rescind your Laker fandom and trade in your big market laurels for small market morals. The path to small markethood at heart is similar to that of the path to Nirvana - you must give up your material belongings and search your soul for the ethicality which defines the smaller markets. Only then can you truly forgive not only your parents but yourself as well, John. Godspeed.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Honestly, friends, I'm getting bored of having to write this week-in, week-out. It goes without saying that small markets continue to dominate the Association as we all expected. The solid team constructions of the Grizzlies and the Spurs (two best records in the league, naturally), as expected, are tearing through the league with elite-passing big men, efficient threes, and anti-coddling, old-school curmudgeons at the coaching helm. Meanwhile, the hapless big-market glitz of the Lakers has already led to another coaching change: Before they even gave him a chance, the vicious L.A. press has already ridden interim coach Bernie Bickerstaff out of town (to work as an assistant somewhere). In his place, the Lakers have hired Mike D'Antoni to try to right the ship. Surely D'Antoni will get the most out of these stars. Not so fast, though: Unfortunately for D'Antoni, his team's issues go much deeper than chemistry or system. His stars seem to have trouble buying into anyone's system (if you can't buy into class-act and defensive savant Mike Brown's rotations, there's something seriously wrong with you). It also doesn't help that the decadent Lakers management is known for panic-trading franchise players to small markets for pennies on the dollar, like they did with Marc Gasol 5 years ago.

Overall, the small marketeers are rejoicing and their owners are smoking environmentally friendly cigars made from the stolen asbestos insulation of decadent big-market buildings. Meanwhile the big market apologists in the press are surely concocting their latest defaming attack against one of our beloved stars -- remember that takedown piece they threw at our fabulous Frenchman Tony Parker? The implication that the French can be decadent makes me sick, and, as a Frenchman myself (call me ladies), makes me want to get up and express my anger though modern interpretive dance. This has been your Memphis School of Modern Dance "Expressive Outburst of the Week".

Memphis Modern Dance: Open Tuesdays Through Fridays.

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Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

First and foremost, I have terrible news for you - heavy favorite for the 2012/2013 NBA MVP award Mike Dunleavy couldn't come back from the devastating rumors that his father might become the head coach of the Lakers. Thankfully, someone has more than filled his shoes: Jimmer Fredette, step right up! In the Jimmer's second year in the league, he's shooting a lights out 51% from the field and is currently 12th in PER (Player Efficiency Rating) in the entire league. He's also no slacker in PERM (Player Efficiency Rating, Morally), currently sitting at 2nd behind the man who has run away with the PERM lead, Andrew Bynum. Jimmer famously attended Mormon stronghold BYU where he won the Naismith Player of The Year Award and led his community through such wholesome activities as "not drinking coffee", always wearing shirts with sleeves, and keeping that handsome face of his clean-shaven. Just look at him, up there, smiling as he prepares to set his teammates up or take a shot only if necessary in the flow of the game. It warms my heart... sorry, I drifted off for a moment there, cadets.

Anyway, some may complain about small sample size: "But Alex, what about the sample size in which Jimmer has been successful?" First of all, friend - this is Small Market Monday, not Small Sample Size Sunday, so I don't wanna hear all that mathematical mumbo-jumbo. Jimmer Fredette gave those minutes to his teammates to encourage team cohesion, and he did so even knowing that big-market shills for teams like the Clippers, jealous for playing time, would use his sacrifice against him in the MVP race. It's laughable to use it against him, and it's laughable that you think you understand sample size better than the 12th-most efficient player in the league. Until you bring a heartfelt discussion to the table, the Jumpin' Jimmer MVP hypetrain rolls on.

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Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Last week's game of the night was an absolute thriller of a match-up between the Bucks and Bobcats, one in which the 'Cats rallied back in the 4th quarter to win the game by a tightly contested 4 points. The biggest storyline of the night has to be the victorious team's leading scorer, Ramon Sessions, who - in a shameless quest for rings - left the .500 Lakers to join a winning squad in the Charlotte Bobcats. Razor Ramon paced the Kitties with 23 points off the bench, leaving Lakers fans everywhere to wonder if current starting point guard Darius Morris could score 23 points in a career. Just another big market to small market success story!

We have a heck of a slate in the world of basketball tonight, amigos. Perhaps my only regret about the evening's schedule is that our glorious Pacers don't play until tomorrow night, but that's for good reason - they need all the rest they can get to keep up with those hellacious Lakers tomorrow night. Our game of the night tonight has to be the San Antonio Spurs taking on the Washington Wizards, as it's a clash not only between basketball teams, but between ideologies as well. The successful CEO Spurs are taking on the hapless, winless minimum wage Wizards. Now, the Spurs have the second best record in the league and the Wizards have the worst - if you subscribe to the beliefs of some *cough, socialists, *cough* in this country, you'd think that the Wizards should occupy the Spurs team and force them to give up a hard-earned win to them for no reason at all.

But, thankfully, this is America where we put our success in our own hands. Look for the Spurs to teach the Wizards about small market values like picking yourself up by your bootstraps, supply side capitalism, and good old Ayn Randian individualism. Sure, the Wizards are missing their best player to injury ("Galt's Gulch" always sounded like some weird kidney ailment), but Tim Duncan tore his meniscus back in 2000 and look at the Spurs now! Multiple championships later, they've given up on making excuses and instead just make success for themselves. They built this paradise of unselfish passing on their own, without any help. Hopefully they'll teach the Wizards how to as well tonight.

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