Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Happy Monday, everyone! Today I'd like to discuss everyone's small market darling, the Sacramento Kings. You've probably heard the news by now -- a consortium of "lattechino"-sipping Seattle socialites are trying to purchase the Kings from the oft-maligned Maloof brothers in an attempt to forcibly bring back the Seattle Supersonics. At best, this move is robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Perhaps the Sonics were un-rightfully robbed from Seattle. Well, alright -- they definitely were. But what gives them the right to steal the Kings from Sacramento? The fact that the Seattle fanbase knows what it's like to lose a team should give them more perspective than the average observer, yet all I see from them is "sucks to suck, Sacramento". There are children in Sacramento who love nothing more than to watch Jimmer swish 3's, to see Isaiah Thomas put up 21 points in the 3rd quarter, or try to figure out why DeMarcus Cousins anything he ever does.

How do you explain this to them?

This move could result in anywhere between 600 to 1,000 jobs being lost in Sacramento, one of the hardest-hit recession cities: they're currently sporting a disturbingly high 11.7% unemployment rate. The city of Sacramento approved spending $255 million dollars of the taxpayers money to keep the Kings there. Doesn't matter! They still might be moved, thanks to the incompetence of the Maloofs! Remember those kids I made up earlier in an unabashed attempt to tug your heartstrings? Imagine them losing their favorite team while their single mother loses her job alongside them because she worked in ticket sales for the Kings. Welp.

Yes, Seattle fans, life is tough and terrible things happen. Does that really justify taking the Kings away from a city who loves them despite their extremely incompetent owners? The Sacramento Kings actually hold the record for the 4th longest sell-out streak in league history... even when they were sub 0.500 for 11 of those 12 straight years. Having something stolen from you doesn't give you the right to steal from others, no matter how unjustified the wrongdoing was. Kings fans need to pressure the Maloofs into selling to an ownership group who will take a better role in managing the team, then start a brand new record sell-out streak. Because if they don't, maybe the Supersonics really should be saved.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

I generally spend this section telling you all about how the Grizzlies have been dominating everyone and the Lakers are floundering. Just as everyone expected, thanks to ESPN's countless "will these Grizzlies go 82-0?" features over the offseason! This week, though, I'd like to you look to the future instead. There are three teams who are going to be rocketing up the standings soon enough, and I want you guys to impress your many friends by hyping them up before their winning streaks (and before ESPN's "is Mo Williams the greatest point guard ever" coverage begins for the 17th time). These three teams have one thing in common - they've played a much larger portion of their games on the road than at home thus far and have insane home records in those scant games.

The Spurs have played 18 home games to 22 road games, having gone 16-2 at home. Similarly, the Nuggets have played 16 at home and 23 on the road, protecting their house with a strong 14-2 home record. Finally, the team everyone expected to be a top-4 seed this year, the Utah Jazz, have played just 15 games at home compared with 24 on the road, winning 11 of their 15 home games. When you compare all of these numbers to #1 seed OKC's 21 home and 16 road games or #2 seed LAC's 22 home and 15 road games, you see that the 3 teams I listed have the potential to take the position in the western standings we all knew they would. Especially if they trade for Jimmer.

He's the missing piece, OK?

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

Jimmer is still reeling from the shock of his wedding video being leaked last week, having gone 5-19 from the field since. We'll be sure to keep you updated on this developing situation, but in the meantime just forget about his struggles and spend a good half hour watching this .gif over and over and over and over:

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

John Wall is back, ladies and gentlemen, and the prices of tickets for tonight's game in Washington DC have nearly doubled in price - they start at a whole 2 dollars instead of 1! Instead of paying those exorbitant prices, you can sit at home to watch. It's the first half of our game-of-the-night doubleheader! That's right, tonight we have a very special doubleheader. That's because the Cavaliers will be traveling to Sacramento in a fierce match-up between the "most lovely and perfect and beautiful point guard ever" Kyrie Irving and "not bad at all for the literal last pick" Isaiah Thomas.

There's one sub-plot that made this doubleheader necessary tonight -- I've heard some sordid rumblings in the small market underworld that Kings fans are fed up with all the drama surrounding the move from Sacaramento. [Ed. Note: More colloquially, the "small market underworld" is known as "Twitter."] and will throw rotten eggs at the Maloofs tonight.

Why would they throw rotten eggs at the Kings owners, you ask?

Because they're mal oeufs.

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Good morning, small marketeers! I hope you all enjoyed your New Year's celebrations. Today I come to you with a simple request for the year -- remember the legends of the game. Far too often we consider our generation's greatest to be the greatest ever when the small market way of life would be to simply respect the all-time greats. It's impossible to know who the greatest of all time truly is due to the ever-changing rules of the game, evolving training methods, and differing strategies. All of the greats hang up their jerseys knowing that they'll be forgotten by the annals of history, left out of everyone's favorite moments. And because of this, in an odd way, the decision for a player to retire from the NBA is somewhat like the decision to end a relationship.

You see, the worst part about a break-up is knowing you'll be forgotten soon enough, thanks to the sands of time or a replacement coming into that person's life. Perhaps that replacement isn't as objectively good as you once were, but to the person in love -- the person who used to be in love with you -- that new person is their everything. Hell, even if they know deep down that this new person isn't as good a fit for them, at least that person is actually there in the here and now. They're a tangible object as opposed to a distant memory. And who can trust memories anyways? They're always these wispy, fragile things floating around your head subject to change on every emotional whim. Sure, the best times and the worst times stand out for as long as they can be remembered. But that constant day-in, day-out support and love and just being there for the person is the first thing to be forgotten.

And so it goes for the greats of time immemorial. It's easy to remember the things like small market superstar David Robinson's 71 point game and his season-ending injury but forget that he averaged over 23 points, 10 rebounds, and 3 blocks per game for 7 straight seasons. Moses Malone's fo' fo' fo' declaration will live on forever in basketball history, but what about his nearly 25 points/18 rebounds per game averages in 1978-79 with Houston, a feat that hasn't come close to being replicated since? Kareem has the all-time scoring record, but how about his 34 point/16 rebound average with the Bucks in 1971-1972? Adrian Dantley put up nearly 31 points a night along with 6.4 rebounds and 4.8 assists for the Jazz in 1982-83... as a 6'5" power forward. They weren't just flashes in the pan to be defined by their highest moments. These stars made their bread the same way today's lunch-pail players make theirs -- they show up. They're just there.

My point here is that there's a lot of nuance which gets left behind in the debate to find the greatest ever. We have a habit of overrating the stars of our generation, the ones we came of age with like an unforgotten high school love a la Michael Jordan or the ones we get to see ply their craft on prime-time each and every night like LeBron James or Kobe Bryant. We'll never know who was truly the best and that's alright. There's been so many amazingly talented players. It's a certainty that someone better will come along, just as someone better will come along after that new GOAT has retired. Your children are going to proclaim their generation's superstar to be better than Michael Jordan and we're going to put up the counter-argument of it being a different era just as the elders who proclaim Bill Russell the greatest ever do today. So I propose this -- let's stop trying to figure this out. Let's remember all the greats for just how phenomenal they were on such a lengthy timeline instead of remembering them as "that guy who's only the 5th best power forward of all time". Let's stop being obsessed with rankings and arguments and focusing on just a few players at the top. Let's learn our history, respect everyone's game, and marvel at just how separately talented two players can be while playing the same sport.

And most of all, let's respect our elders.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Usually I'm on the side of the small markets as all of you beautiful, amazing readers know. But frankly? I'm getting quite fed up with the one thing they've consistently been doing wrong -- stealing from big market teams. I understand the Robin Hood aspect of it, but theft is theft. I mean, c'mon -- the Grizzlies traded Pau Gasol (have you SEEN him play lately?) to the Lakers for now-top-3 big man Marc Gasol, the Jazz traded the moody Deron Williams to the Nets for Derrick Favors and 2 primo first round picks, the Cavs received the pick from the Clippers which became Kyrie Irving for Mo Williams, and the Blazers received the pick which became presumptive rookie of the year Damian Lillard from those silly Nets again! Come on, guys! Stealing is wrong, even when it's completely hilarious!

And now the Kings are trying to get in on the fleecing action. The latest news has them trying to get rid of that cantankerous malcontent center DeMarcus Cousins and under-sized big man Chuck Hayes for the Celtics' trio of Avery Bradley, Courtney Lee, and Jason Terry. Excuse me, NBA champion Jason Terry. They'd be receiving a defensive superstar in the making in Bradley, a tricky guard who has been to the finals in Courtney Lee, and a bonafide NBA champion in Jason Terry. All for a guy who gets suspended for getting in verbal altercations with one of the best commentators in the league (and fellow small market maverick) Sean Elliot.

Nice try, Kings, but everyone has to play fair -- even when it comes to ripping those big market bullies off.

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

I'm not going to bore you with fancy-shmancy "statistics" today.

Instead, I implore you to watch this video of Jimmer's marriage and try to tell me that he shouldn't be MVP.

If you still have a shred of doubt about it, just stare at this .GIF for as long as it takes to convince you:

(Well-deserved hat-tip to the guys over at Sactown Royalty for linking me to this)

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Tonight the narratives of our two previous features come together in out game of the night -- the Memphis Grizzlies taking on the Sacramento Kings in Sacramento. You'll get to see what could perhaps be one of DeMarcus Cousins' last games before the Kings fleece a big market team in a trade for him, much like the Grizzlies did to the Lakers for Marc Gasol -- who should be guarding DMC for the majority of this game. You'll also get to see leading MVP candidate Jimmer Fredette unleash his arsenal of 3 pointers and hopefully (if there's any justice in the world) see him pull a similar move to the one above as a celebration. And, if you're really lucky? You'll get to see DeMarcus berate an announcer while Jimmer dougies on top of the announcer's table to add to the sting of DMC's words. And then they'll announce that they're going to live together Real World style and film a reality show of it.

Please, Small Market Allah, for the love of all that's holy make it happen.

• • •

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR: Hey, all. Aaron here. My weeklong break ends tomorrow -- I'll be starting a new Tuesday/Thursday column. For the most part I'll just be going over whatever comes to mind, with a few consistent features becoming apparent as time goes by. This Tuesday? The Wizards are on the discussion table, because we know how much everyone thirsts for Wizards coverage. Going to discuss their performance on the year with a general focus on how they're so hilariously bad on offense, so "good" on defense, and so utterly luckless overall. See you then.

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Top of the morning to you, dearest reader! I know you must've missed me in my recent absence but I had to attend to some pressing familial issues, something for which I apologize to you. I would have loved to keep you updated on your beloved small markets during this time but I had to keep to our small market values, the most important of which are family values. Enough about me, though, and on to today's subject -- family values in the NBA!

There's been many NBA players related to one another - Brook and Robin Lopez are brothers, Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady are cousins, and Dell and Steph Curry are a sharpshooting father/son duo. Who could ever forget the Pau for Marc Gasol trade, the New York playground legends of cousins Stephon Marbury and Sebastian Telfair, or the shared capriciousness of the Bynum brothers - Will and Andrew? There's Bill Walton's hilarious legend compared to his son Luke Walton's hilarious uselessness, the always entertaining commentating couplet of Jon and Brent Barry (seriously, he used the word scuttlebutt on NBATV recently), and the gritty toughness of the Evans twins, Tyreke and Reggie.

I listed all that fluff out not just to up my word count (to make notorious big-market apologist and big marketeer editor-in-chief Aaron McGuire happy) [Ed. Note: How many times must I reiterate -- I don't care about your word count!], but to make the point that the family who plays together stays together. And it's not just a basketball-specific phenomenon either -- sure, the family that watches basketball together will stay together, but so will the family that does pretty much anything together. Except domestic violence, probably. That... that wouldn't be very cool. I guess this was all just a really roundabout way to say "spend time with your family, you selfish buffoons". You truly never know if that last Bobcats game you watched with your dad will be the last one or if that argument you had with your brother about Durant vs. LeBron will never get settled or if just telling someone close to you that you love and appreciate them will give them something to keep living for. As someone who had to learn this lesson the hard way just over two weeks ago, I want you to go tell a loved one just how much they mean to you. Seriously, go do it right now. Your computer isn't going anywhere anytime soon and if it does, it's replaceable. They aren't. Go do it. Please.

I love you, Dad.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

The Los Angeles Clippers are currently on a magnificent tear through the league, having just won their 17th game in a row Sunday night. "But, Alex," you think, "the Clippers are in Los Angeles, one of the biggest markets of all!" On the surface this does seem to be the case, guy in my imagination, but think about it: the Clippers have always been the ignored little brother to the bigger, badder Lakers. And if there's one thing I've learned over the course of my brief lifetime, it's that you can be big market on the surface yet small market at heart just like these Los Angeles Clippers. Uncoincidentally (I DON'T CARE IF THIS ISN'T A WORD, MCGUIRE) [Ed. Note: I DON'T CARE EITHER, WHY ARE WE TALKING IN ALL-CAPS] enough, the top 8 teams in the west at the moment are either small markets or small market at heart. It's not as applicable in the eastern conference, but you know what those ESPN talking heads always say - the western is the bestern and the eastern is the leastern!

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

The Jimmer is still rustling our jimmies. Still top-5 in the league for point guard PER, even as he lets troubled teammate DeMarcus Cousins get his first career triple-double in order to boost his trade value for a big market team to give valuable young assets for. He's the ultimate team player, the leader of our hearts, and the guider of our souls. In his last two games - two contests against the biggest of the big markets, the Knicks and Celtics - he went 56% from 3-point land, a rate which vanquished both of his foes. You see, Jimmer doesn't deserve to be just a Sacramento King. He deserves to be a Small Market Knight, demolishing all those big market dragons which lie in his path on his quest to reset the balance of today's NBA by throwing the One Championship Ring into the fiery hellscape of Memphis's Mount Doom. But remember, kids - one does not simply take ridiculously deep 3s into Mordor.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

There's not much tonight in the way of small market games, so the honor has to go to the Memphis Grizzlies visiting beautiful Indianapolis to take on the Pacers sans their star player, the Batman. If you ask me, he's faking the injury so that he can take on this evil Fiscal Cliff villain. It's becoming famous -- all of those people who actually care about "politics" (bleh) and the "economy" (meh) and "the future of this country at-large" (yawn) have been talking about it. But that's beside the point - we're here to talk about basketball and basketball is what you'll receive tonight. Look for the Pacers to hit the offensive glass hard (figuratively, not Amar'e-style literally) in classic small market fashion as the Grizzlies attempt to spread the ball around and make as many bank shots as possible before the bank closes for New Year's Day.

And on that wonderful joke, I'm out, dear readers - see you in 2013!

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Good day, faithful readers! I apologize for not following our tried-and-true structure last week, but that whole Spurs fiasco really rustled my Jimmies. Seeing as how being critical certainly isn't a value we small marketeers like to propagate, I'm going to make amends today by teaching our true values to the team who needs it most -- the big-market Los Angeles Lakers. I know, I know. I've written about the Lakers much more than other (perhaps more deserving) small market teams. But rubbing in everyone's faces just how well-run our teams are isn't in our code of values. But charity is - and the Lakers certainly need charity after last night's dismal-yet-hilarious performance where they lost their fourth of five games, each of which to a small market juggernaut. The first loss was to the Orlando Magic, the team Dwight Howard left to join the Lakers, and a team from which two lessons can be derived.

The first of these lessons? Originality. All of us are unique and precious snowflakes with lives to be cherished and one-of-a-kind legacies to be made. You should never strive to be like anyone else, nor should you abandon the team which did everything you wanted them to do just like the last transcendent center to play for that team did. Dwight changed it up a bit by virtually not trying at all in the penultimate year of his contract while trying to force a trade to the Brooklyn Nets, but the end result was the same when he ended up with the Lakers. Just like good ol' Shaqnificent. You really need to try to be yourself Dwight. Unless your true self is a guy with an obnoxiously over-the-top "wacky" persona who tries to eat cookies off of his forehead like a 3rd grader in a game of truth or dare gone wrong. Then you might want to try to be someone else. But only then.

Another thing you need to try, Mr. Howard, is practicing free throws. These are a small market staple as success in them comes from thousands of hours of hard work and preparation, not planking on Pepsi machines. Disregard my previous thoughts, maybe you should go back to eating cookies off your own face. But never mind that either. What you should REALLY do is avoid going 9/21 from the free throw line in a game decided by 10 points. I'm not the best 'mathologist' around but if you were to make all of those, you would've scored more points than the final margin, which generally means you would've won that game! Awaiting confirmation on this. [Ed. Note: I am a professional mathologist. You are correct. --Aaron] Ha! See, mom? I really COULD be a professional mathologist, if I wanted to. I could be anything at all, ever. Regardless. Dwight, please inject some originality into your life. And considering that Shaq was also really terrible at free throws, you could definitely kill two birds with one stone here.

The third lesson to be learned from these losses is selflessness. In the second loss of this streak, Kobe Bryant took 31 shots for 39 points. Considering that the Lakers are 1-9 when Kobe scores over 30 points this is an obvious mental lapse on Kobe's part. He simply needs to take no more than 14 2-point shots a game while taking a lesson from Dwight Howard's book by missing any free throws he takes - this way, he can't possibly score more than 30 points and the Lakers might actually have a chance to win! With those extra 17 possessions, Kobe can utilize these unbeknownst concepts like "ball movement" and "teamwork" in order to try to "win close games" for the Lakers.

Finally, the last lesson is incredibly simple: for the love of Small Market Allah (A.K.A. Reggie Miller), don't give Chris Duhon minutes. And don't, under any circumstances, let him start. Or else you might somehow get a point guard racking up all of 3 assists in 32 minutes. Normally we small marketeers are in favor of giving everyone a chance in the interests of fairness, but this is the one exception. Chris Duhon: Not even once.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Yawn. The sun rose on this beautiful Monday morning. The sky is still blue. Javale McGee is still the most magnificent creature to have ever graced a basketball court. And the San Antonio Spurs, Oklahoma City Thunder, and Memphis Grizzlies still have the three best records in the league. The Spurs got revenge on Commissioner Stern by winning all 4 of their games since the sanctions, the Thunder joined them by doing so, and the Grizzlies let the Spurs win in their first game in a post-sanction world. You see, David, we small marketers stick together when times get tough. You can't just strong-arm us into submission. Our wills only grow stronger in the face of adversity, we don't back down from our core beliefs just because Dan Gilbert sent us a strongly-worded letter. Nor will Dan Gilbert keep writing his letters in Comic Sans after we give him a talking to at our next small market committee meeting for that matter.

You see, David Stern, the sun never sets on the small market empire.

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

The Jimmer was jobbed. After getting the attention of our MVP watch, he was told to play two games in back-to-back nights, a Herculean task surely unmatched by most NBA players. Therefore it's no surprise to learn that after a blistering 50% shooting performance (that means he made at least a third of his shots!), he followed it up with an 0-6 game thanks to the fatigue he surely felt in his morally pure legs. Once he got some rest, he proceeded to shoot 58% over his next two games while proving that he'd learned a valuable lesson. Fredette once again had two games in two nights -- is there anything Stern won't stoop to to get back at us small marketeers? -- but he knew better than to play into Stern's hands and chose to not play a single minute in the second game of this back-to-back, a game in which his team won against Portland. How many other players would not only sacrifice themselves, but in doing so would lead their team to a win? None. And that's why Jimmer Jebediah Fredette is our MVP.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Thanks to last week's rant there wasn't actually a game of the night, but we're going to go ahead and say that every Spurs game that week was the game of the night. Uncoincidentally_ [Ed. Note: That is not a word.], they just so happened to win every single one of those games! Isn't it amazing what the human spirit is capable of when times get tough? One time, my great aunt Sally fell down the stairs _without her handy dandy Life Alert! But instead of sitting their wallowing in self pity, she got right on up and took her glucosamine pills in order to prevent any joint injuries from happening in the future. And that's exactly what Coach Pop did. But, uh, in basketball form. I guess. Yeah.

But enough about last week, tonight we have our MVP favorite's Sacramento Kinds taking on everyone's favorite Dallas Mavericks. Look for Jimmer to light it up not only from deep, but in our hearts. Look for the Mavericks to fight passionately without Dirk, even more passionate than Dirk fired up with disco fever. And last but not least, look inside yourself to see if these small market teams can teach you any lessons about your life. Especially if that lesson is taught by Mavericks owner Mark Cuban and has to do with skinny jeans. Because you know what? This might be the small market Wrangler fan in me talking but...

I just don't get it either.

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

"This was an unacceptable decision by the San Antonio Spurs and substantial sanctions will be forthcoming."

That's what commissioner David Stern had to say before fining the San Antonio Spurs a quarter of a million dollars because the best coach in the NBA, Gregg Popovich, rested his stars on a long road trip. Yes, that's right, resting your older players is an unacceptable decision in the eyes of Mr. Stern. But overstepping his bounds and vetoing a trade that both team GMs involved approved? Sure, why not, that happens all the time! But it's alright, the Hornets got the 1st pick in the draft after the trade got vetoed -- you know, the draft for which the choosing of the order takes place behind closed doors and isn't shown to anyone but people on the NBA payroll.

How about Donald Sterling ringing people into the locker rooms to let them admire the "beautiful black bodies" of the players? Well, I guess they are beautiful. And good old Donald Sterling sure is an upstanding member of his community! We'll let that one slide too.And remember how Stern oversaw two lockouts within a span of 12 years, leading to some teams playing 5 games in 6 days? It was good for ratings, the viewers at home love watching sloppy basketball where the players have a higher probability of getting injured because they're playing for the third night in a row! And if the coach thinks they need some rest, he can just sit them for a game!

Wait, what's that? Oh yeah. Nevermind.

What about the time a referee was caught manipulating games for gambling purposes? That was classic, wasn't it? Sure, it was a bit of a misstep, but Stern sure did do the right thing by loosening restrictions on NBA referees gambling and then never answering questions about it again! And refusing to acknowledge referee fallibility except in fledgling gasps in the death throes of his career! Whatta guy!

You're starting to get the point here, right? I'm not going to insult your intelligence by further pointing out the hypocrisy of what David Stern calls "unacceptable" and what he allows in today's NBA, where he is king. And nor should Stern insult your intelligence by pretending that he actually, genuinely cares about the Spurs sitting some players. This is nothing more than a power play at the expense of the small market Spurs to show them their place. This is David Stern getting revenge for never being able to market a team that won 4 championships in 8 years to a national audience even though he's supposedly the marketing genius of the NBA.

Let's face it, who in today's ESPN big market culture will care about the Spurs outside of the blogosphere? The casual fans who've never gone out of their way to watch the Spurs will let out their generic "well Stern probably fined them because they're so boring to watch" jokes and the other casuals will laugh along because that's what the television told them to think. The Spurs are everything that's right and winning about today's NBA and that's why they're hated. There are no storylines to be found in a team that just goes out and wins. There's no drama in a team that builds from within and doesn't land marquee free agents but still wins. There's no controversies to be found when a team utilizes teamwork, floor spacing, and ball movement to win. Did I mention... wins? (In case I didn't, let me say it again, with emphasis this time: wins.)

In short, there's no one that would go out of their way to see a small market team like the Spurs unless there was some sort of moral uproar involving them. No casual fan isn't going to be THAT excited about a regular season Heat/Spurs match-up without some added drama, even if it is on national TV! There's no way people would actually get up-in-arms about a Spurs game unless outside factors created an insane, controversial, and ridiculous overarching conflict that brought in viewers and made people forget all about the Spurs' small market snappiness. Without some villainous looming figure to create the controversy, nobody but a few random bloggers are_ really_ going to care about the Spurs playing a TNT game, no matter who's on the floor. David Stern would have to create some kind of ridiculous meta-story if he ever wanted the Spurs to really drive ratings. Something so ridiculous that it essentially forced writers to scribe obscenely haughty pieces bloviating for both sides. A story-above-the-story. Drama for the nondramatic. And how could David Stern accomplish something like tha--...

Hey. Wait a hot second.

Oh, David... maybe you really are the marketing guru they say you are...

In solidarity with Coach Popovich and the San Antonio Spurs, I sent the other mainstays of this feature home to Finland on a Southwest flight. Just try to fine me, McGuire.

• • •

• IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM THE EDITOR •

You can do that, Alex Arnon, but know that I will be withholding your pay until further notice in solidarity with David Stern's position. Good luck buying that shiny new gold-plated trap album without your weekly $15,000 salary you make from your cushy blogging job! Also: retroactively, I'm withholding all prior pay. Which means it's a good thing we hadn't paid you any of it yet. Also, probably a good thing nobody else on the staff realized you were making $15,000 a week before this pernicious act, given that nobody else here makes anything and we had no actual way to pay you that salary. Also, it's a good thing I never told you about it. I'm a great editor like that. Always striving, never diving. That's what my pops always used to say. Because I can't swim, damnit.

... What was I talking about again? -- McGuire

• THIS CONCLUDES YOUR IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM THE EDITOR •

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Good morning, dearest readers! After last week's installment of your favorite feature, we received a very encouraging e-mail which gave me a glimmer of hope in this ever dreadful, ever amoral world:

Hey Alex, huge fan here!

I've come upon a moral quandary while reading your work -- I'm a small market soul living in a big market town! While I'd like to blame my parents for conceiving me in such a soul-sucking, hope-trampling cesspool and making me a fan of the Los Angeles Lakers by pure proximity, I can't bring myself to it. I simply love them too much to do that... I guess that's some small market kindness shining through! Do you have any advice for me?

Sincerely, John H.

John, John, John... I am so happy you decided to write in to me because this is one of the very (very) few things I like to consider myself an expert on. Let me tell you the first thing about small markets - it doesn't matter where you live, it just matters how you live. You seem to be on a good start already with your kindness but you're going to have to prepare to rescind your Laker fandom and trade in your big market laurels for small market morals. The path to small markethood at heart is similar to that of the path to Nirvana - you must give up your material belongings and search your soul for the ethicality which defines the smaller markets. Only then can you truly forgive not only your parents but yourself as well, John. Godspeed.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Honestly, friends, I'm getting bored of having to write this week-in, week-out. It goes without saying that small markets continue to dominate the Association as we all expected. The solid team constructions of the Grizzlies and the Spurs (two best records in the league, naturally), as expected, are tearing through the league with elite-passing big men, efficient threes, and anti-coddling, old-school curmudgeons at the coaching helm. Meanwhile, the hapless big-market glitz of the Lakers has already led to another coaching change: Before they even gave him a chance, the vicious L.A. press has already ridden interim coach Bernie Bickerstaff out of town (to work as an assistant somewhere). In his place, the Lakers have hired Mike D'Antoni to try to right the ship. Surely D'Antoni will get the most out of these stars. Not so fast, though: Unfortunately for D'Antoni, his team's issues go much deeper than chemistry or system. His stars seem to have trouble buying into anyone's system (if you can't buy into class-act and defensive savant Mike Brown's rotations, there's something seriously wrong with you). It also doesn't help that the decadent Lakers management is known for panic-trading franchise players to small markets for pennies on the dollar, like they did with Marc Gasol 5 years ago.

Overall, the small marketeers are rejoicing and their owners are smoking environmentally friendly cigars made from the stolen asbestos insulation of decadent big-market buildings. Meanwhile the big market apologists in the press are surely concocting their latest defaming attack against one of our beloved stars -- remember that takedown piece they threw at our fabulous Frenchman Tony Parker? The implication that the French can be decadent makes me sick, and, as a Frenchman myself (call me ladies), makes me want to get up and express my anger though modern interpretive dance. This has been your Memphis School of Modern Dance "Expressive Outburst of the Week".

Memphis Modern Dance: Open Tuesdays Through Fridays.

• • •

Sammy's Sack Racing Presents: "The King Of The League!" Jimmer Fredette MVP Watch

First and foremost, I have terrible news for you - heavy favorite for the 2012/2013 NBA MVP award Mike Dunleavy couldn't come back from the devastating rumors that his father might become the head coach of the Lakers. Thankfully, someone has more than filled his shoes: Jimmer Fredette, step right up! In the Jimmer's second year in the league, he's shooting a lights out 51% from the field and is currently 12th in PER (Player Efficiency Rating) in the entire league. He's also no slacker in PERM (Player Efficiency Rating, Morally), currently sitting at 2nd behind the man who has run away with the PERM lead, Andrew Bynum. Jimmer famously attended Mormon stronghold BYU where he won the Naismith Player of The Year Award and led his community through such wholesome activities as "not drinking coffee", always wearing shirts with sleeves, and keeping that handsome face of his clean-shaven. Just look at him, up there, smiling as he prepares to set his teammates up or take a shot only if necessary in the flow of the game. It warms my heart... sorry, I drifted off for a moment there, cadets.

Anyway, some may complain about small sample size: "But Alex, what about the sample size in which Jimmer has been successful?" First of all, friend - this is Small Market Monday, not Small Sample Size Sunday, so I don't wanna hear all that mathematical mumbo-jumbo. Jimmer Fredette gave those minutes to his teammates to encourage team cohesion, and he did so even knowing that big-market shills for teams like the Clippers, jealous for playing time, would use his sacrifice against him in the MVP race. It's laughable to use it against him, and it's laughable that you think you understand sample size better than the 12th-most efficient player in the league. Until you bring a heartfelt discussion to the table, the Jumpin' Jimmer MVP hypetrain rolls on.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Last week's game of the night was an absolute thriller of a match-up between the Bucks and Bobcats, one in which the 'Cats rallied back in the 4th quarter to win the game by a tightly contested 4 points. The biggest storyline of the night has to be the victorious team's leading scorer, Ramon Sessions, who - in a shameless quest for rings - left the .500 Lakers to join a winning squad in the Charlotte Bobcats. Razor Ramon paced the Kitties with 23 points off the bench, leaving Lakers fans everywhere to wonder if current starting point guard Darius Morris could score 23 points in a career. Just another big market to small market success story!

We have a heck of a slate in the world of basketball tonight, amigos. Perhaps my only regret about the evening's schedule is that our glorious Pacers don't play until tomorrow night, but that's for good reason - they need all the rest they can get to keep up with those hellacious Lakers tomorrow night. Our game of the night tonight has to be the San Antonio Spurs taking on the Washington Wizards, as it's a clash not only between basketball teams, but between ideologies as well. The successful CEO Spurs are taking on the hapless, winless minimum wage Wizards. Now, the Spurs have the second best record in the league and the Wizards have the worst - if you subscribe to the beliefs of some *cough, socialists, *cough* in this country, you'd think that the Wizards should occupy the Spurs team and force them to give up a hard-earned win to them for no reason at all.

But, thankfully, this is America where we put our success in our own hands. Look for the Spurs to teach the Wizards about small market values like picking yourself up by your bootstraps, supply side capitalism, and good old Ayn Randian individualism. Sure, the Wizards are missing their best player to injury ("Galt's Gulch" always sounded like some weird kidney ailment), but Tim Duncan tore his meniscus back in 2000 and look at the Spurs now! Multiple championships later, they've given up on making excuses and instead just make success for themselves. They built this paradise of unselfish passing on their own, without any help. Hopefully they'll teach the Wizards how to as well tonight.

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, Segways changed the very core of how people get around, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Buon giorno, friends! I'm in an absolutely ecstatic mood this morning, because two of my absolute favorite NBA-related things happened this week. First, the Pacers broke yet another record by showing those rambunctious big market Canadian rapscallions that there_ actually is_ another facet to this wonderful game called "defense". But that wasn't even the biggest news this week (and honestly, with the sheer number of records the Pacers break, when is it?) -- there was also a blockbuster trade which shocked both the championship picture and our entire beloved league to its very core!

To summarize the trade that fantasy GMs across Arkansas are still talking about in hushed whispers, the Bobcats shipped out legendary sharpshooter Matt Carroll for 2003 NCAA champion Hakim Warrick. Yeah, I know. You've probably been completely over-exposed to all the various in-and-outs of the Hakim Warrick/Matt Carroll trade. Happens. But kindly lend me your ears for a second, as I've fired up ye olde Synergy Sports machine to help you understand it even better. In case you're unfamiliar with Synergy, it's some sort of computer-internet wizardry where you type in a player's name and it tells you all these fantastical things about numbers and "statistics" and liberal mumbo-jumbo like that. Now friends, I have to give you a disclaimer: math isn't exactly my strong suit. But you're going to have to bear with me here.

The first thing that stood out to me is Warrick's career 49.4% shooting percentage -- that means if he take 10 shots then there is a very good chance that he'll make at least 2 of them. Cowabunga! However, something else caught my eye: when taking the opposing defender to the rack off his patented bicycle kick slide-dribble spin move, Hakim Warrick scores a sizzling 2.7 points per possession! On the other hand, Matt Carroll is a very respectable 38.4% three point shooter over his career. But you need to unskew those numbers, compadres! Because that's his three pointer percentage, you need to multiply it by 3 to get his "true" shooting percentage, which comes out to a super rad 109.7% true shooting rate! WOW! And how can we forget about his defense? In Matt Carroll's career as a lockdown defender, opponents who suffer from fatal cardiomyopathy while taking a shot against Carroll have shot 0-50 against him, and rumor has it that at least five of them tragically passed away after being faced with Carroll's bruising defense back in his no-good hooligan high school days.

In the end, it's a style change for both teams, but one of those rare win-win blockbusters that everyone can feel happy about. Phenomenal trade.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

This time last week, East coast big markets were dominating the NBA landscape due to the unfortunate tragedy that was Hurricane Sandy. However, with the time for charity over (charity toward big markets of course, we small marketeers take care of our own!), the Knicks were handed their first defeat at the ferocious claws of the Memphis Grizzlies. Very unsurprisingly, the big ol' softies have the NBA's best record at 8-1! Why unsurprisingly, you ask? Because Monsieurs Gasol and Randolph have been taking lessons at The Memphis School of Modern Dance to improve their fancy footwork, of course! Remember to book your next lesson by calling 1-800-867-5309 today!

(Advertisement paid for and sponsored by the Memphis School of Modern Dance. "When you're here, you're family.")

By the way, I'd like to take a second to give a shoutout to the Washington Wizards. They may be in a big market but those guys sure have the heart of a small market warrior. Missing their two best players, Johnathan Wall and Maybyner Rodney Nenê Hilario, they've banded together as a team, losing every single game they've played by an average of 7.8 points. But unskew the numbers, folks! If John Wall's career average is 16 points a game (Ed. Note: It is.) and Nenê's is 10 points a game, so that means the Wizards are currently projected to win all their games by an average of 18 points when they both come back! Definitely a team to keep your eyes on!

• • •

Bubba's Bait Shop Presents: "The Buck Stops Here!" Mike Dunleavy MVP Watch

We dodged a bullet this week, as Mike Dunleavy's father was (thankfully) not named the new Los Angeles Lakers head coach as big market panderer Mike D'Antoni took it instead. Every blackened smog cloud has its coal-tinged lining however, and Dunleavy Jr. seems to be understandably shaken up by the terrifying news that his father could've been a big market sell-out as he went 11-27 from the field this week. Yikes! And while his Bucks won all 3 games they played thanks to Dunleavy's efforts all over the court on defense and as the primary ballhandling wizard he is, it's quite obvious to any astute observer of PTSD that he is a changed man. Steal one furtive glance into his eyes and you can just see the despair wallowing around in there, trying its best to get out of a broken-down man.

So, dear readers, we're going to hesitantly ask you to suggest the next player to be tracked by our world-famous MVP watch here at Small Market Mondays in our comment section below. And please, please say a prayer for Dunleavy and his family in these trying times.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Last week's game of the night was a DOOZY between the Blazers and Hawks. They combined for 97 missed shots which means there were 97 opportunities to watch the most exciting part of basketball - the rebound battle! The Trailblazers managed to win the rebounding battle 47-41 but lost the scoring war 95-87. And since David $tern (the dollar sign stands for money) is a flashy big market apologist, that's the thing that'll display in their record.

But enough about the past, let's talk about tonight! This is quite possibly the juiciest schedule we'll see all season. The glorious Indiana Champacers take on the team-to-watch Washington Wizards but since the Whizzles are just a small market at heart I'm afraid they're ineligible. The Nuggets visit Memphis, and while it'd be great to watch the best team in the league in a slugfest at home we can do you one better here at Small Market Mondays. Tonight's official game of the night has to be the Milwaukee Bucks visiting the Charlotte Bobcats. Rumor has it that you can see Hakim Warrick bust out his legendary bicycle kick slide-dribble spin move for the first time as a Bobcat!

My source on the inside even tells me that he's bought up all the tickets in the arena and is selling them off for the ultra-low price of just $2 to go to a local charity called "StubHub" for those who accidentally bang their toes against their dressers on dark late-night walks to the restroom. Like me! What a guy!

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation jumper with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, MySpace is still the most popular website on the internet, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

We're skipping the introduction today, guys. I'm much too livid to pretend to be nice after seeing yet another display of classic big market self-obsessed hedonism. I'm even more furious at the fact that NONE OF YOU responded to my MySpace bulletin about this! Classless move, readers. Since none of you did, let me give you a quick run-down of that story. Someone took a candid photo of Mr. Antawn Jamison and his lovely partner strolling the streets of Los Angeles, violating their privacy to an incredible degree. Then, they had the depraved idea to make others judge his girlfriend as if she was just a piece of meat. But, you know what's riling me up the most? The fact that the writer seems to be proud of the fact that "you can hide a girlfriend like this in Cleveland, but in LA not so much".

You're right, Mr. Writer, you can "hide" a girlfriend like that in Cleveland. You want to know why? Because we small markets have things like dignity, class, and__ respect__. You seem to be lacking all three in "The City of Angeles [sic]." (Yeah. That's right. I know my Spanish, and I know you misspelled "Angels". Can't run one by me, folks.) We thought that sending you classy guys Antawn Jamison would change that... but apparently not. We even sent you one of the greatest coaches ever in Mike Brown, hoping to teach you some humility and letting you learn how to lose with dignity. But you know what you did? You fired him. Wait, let me fix that. You lied by saying you weren't going to fire him and then fired him the day after.

And to top it all off, you've apparently decided to replace a dignified, humble family man in Mike Brown with noted large market apologist Phil Jackson! Ahem. Sorry. Noted large market apologist and noted avid illegal substance abuser, Phil Jackson. I seriously have no idea how he's so coveted -- he's only ever won championships in large markets and only did so with some of the greatest players of all time. Like that's so hard, Mr. "Zen Master". I'm sure you're the guy who also brags about that one time you beat Goldeneye on Nintendo 64 without dying with your Gameshark on! Ugh.

So, to recap: in the span of a week, big markets, you've shown that not only do you have no morals, you also have no class, no respect for the law, no respect for anything virtuous, and no respect for non-tool assisted video game speed runs. [Ed. Note: Nobody's told him they hired Mike D'Antoni yet. I refuse to be the first.]

Like we'd expect anything else from you, you big market boors.

• • •

The State of The Small Market Union (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

Our beloved small markets are currently in decline... but for good reason! While small markets led most divisions at this time last Monday, they currently lead none in the east and 2 out of 3 in the west. However, it's obvious as to why small markets currently have stepped back a bit in the East -- they're making up for the unfortunate devastation Hurricane Sandy caused. Normally it'd be small markets bringing the destruction to the big markets, but Sandy did it for them. In a traditional move of small market classiness, they've let the New York Knicks go undefeated in the time they need it most. The thoughts and prayers we usually reserve for the victims of big market foolishness are currently going to the victims of Hurricane Sandy -- we wish the best for you and yours here at Small Market Mondays.

In brighter news, the Charlotte Bobcats set yet another record by beating the Dallas Mavericks for the first time in their franchise history! Normally you wouldn't expect to see a team with a fanbase as small as the Bobcats go winless against a bigger team, but it's quite obvious that Michael Jordan was corrupted by his mentor Phil Jackson during their years together and has bought into all that "big markets win championships" mumbo jumbo. Good to see the 'Cats returning to their dominant small market roots. Bear down Cats! [Ed. Note: Please take a second and try to imagine a cat bearing down. Like... Pooh Bear or something. This is irrelevant to both this story and basketball as a whole, but I found it very amusing.]

• • •

Bubba's Bait Shop Presents: "The Buck Stops Here!" Mike Dunleavy MVP Watch

Former Indiana Pacers superstar Mike Dunleavy, heavy favorite in the 2012-2013 MVP race, was posting an astronomical PER of 27.12 on 70% shooting and leading his beloved Buckaroos to an undefeated record at this time last week. Until they played the powerhouse Grizzlies, that is. The Bucks lost that game by 18 as Dunleavy only made 4 of 10 shots but that wasn't the worst of it. After thoroughly handling the Wizards on Friday night, Dunleavy received some terrifying news: his father was in consideration to be the next coach of the classless Los Angeles Lakers. This terrible news rocked Dunleavy to his very core as his posted a season low 14 minutes in his next game against the Celtics, a 4-point loss which they definitely would've won had their MVD ("Most Valuable Dunleavy", not "Most Venereal Disease") not been traumatized by the news. He became so angered at these developments that he flew into a fit of understandable rage and tried desperately to exact physical revenge on the Celtics, fouling 4 times in his 14 minutes! Should he not be able to get over this disgusting news, we might be forced to change our MVP watch to another deserving Small Market Superstar.

Sometimes, the brightest stars really do die out the quickest.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

Last week's game of the night was an absolute THRILLER between the Jazz and the Grizzlies, featuring tons of offensive rebounds, hustle plays, and good old-fashioned family fun - will the kiss cam ever get old!? Tonight is another thrilling night of NBA action, with the Thunder traveling to Detroit, the Timberwolves traveling to Dallas, and the Nuggets traveling to Phoenix. But, our pick is one rooted in the future of the NBA -- the Hawks are traveling to the greatest small market of all, Portland, to face rookie of the year front-runner Damian Lillard. Remember how good Portland was supposed to be until commissioner David Stern told Brandon Roy and Greg Oden to fake knee injuries so that the league would still be competitive, just he did with Sam Bowie? Yeah, that's what Damian Lillard is looking to bring back... until he gets traded to a big market desperately in need of their own superstar, of course.

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Long ago in a distant land, Alex Arnon was watching a Kings/Suns preseason game when he became so furiously enraged at a Tyreke Evans double-teamed isolation with 19 seconds on the shot clock that he hit his head, fainted, and woke up a delusional new man. To my understanding, he's now wholly ensconced in a bizarro world where some guy named Xenu created the Earth, MySpace is the most popular website on the internet, and small markets make up the vast majority of NBA coverage and traffic. So just remember the motto we've provided our cracked-skull columnist: "No superstars? No problem!"

Come one, come all and welcome to Gothic Ginobili's first edition of Small Market Mondays! We know you must be sick of all the attention that small markets get from the lamestream media. That Ben Gordon trade saga seemed to last FOREVER, didn't it? But we know what side our bread is buttered on. At this point, we really don't have a choice -- we HAVE to jump on this bandwagon to get precious page views. Aaron McGuire's McMansion isn't going to pay for itself, you know?

To start this week's installment off, it's only right to begin with the biggest storyline of the week -- the DJ Augustin revenge game. Augustin famously did what many superstars of his caliber have been known to do and made the move from the record-breaking, title-holding Charlotte Bobcats to a smaller market in Indianapolis. When asked about if the Pacers thought the Bobcats were competition due to their record-breaking season last year, Pacers GM Kevin Pritchard had this to say: "Charlotte is defending nothing. That's in boxing, you give the belt back. They don't have this year's trophy."

Meanwhile, Bobcats VP of basketball operations Rod Higgins confirmed what we all thought: Augustin understandably took less money in Indiana while giving up his starting role in Charlotte in order to play in a media market with 60,000 less people. As you must know by now due to the positively nauseating amount of coverage, Augustin went 1 for 7 from the field. In this writer's opinion, that underrates his game. It was absolutely one of the most efficient 1 for 7s this writer has ever seen. Every single one of his misses gave his teammates a great chance to hit the offensive glass as he intelligently took five threes knowing they'd result in long rebounds for his teammates. One would have to be delusional to think he was actually trying to make those shots and not displaying classic small market classiness by trying to make his teammates look good.

• • •

The Small Market Standings (Sponsored by The Memphis School of Modern Dance)

In a development surprising absolutely no one, small markets are currently leading almost every division in the league. The Bucks are leading the Central, the Magic are crushing the Southeast, the Blazers are in complete control of the Northwest, and the Spurs have basically already booked a ticket to the Finals with their undefeated record topping the Southwest. In fact, noted ESPN analyst John Hollinger insisted that we should stop giving the big markets handouts by featuring them on national TV over the better, more deserving small markets. But the poor truth-telling Hollinger was met by a classic big market apologist:

While I do agree with Mr. Hollinger that the NBA should be a meritocracy, we must remember that the league is only as good as its weakest team. For this reason, we must also televise teams with losing records like the 1-3 Lakers and 1-2 Celtics in order to keep them financially solvent. After all, there's a reason that the NBA has begun slowly phasing in plans to begin revenue sharing -- no one wants to see a team be contracted, even if it's a helpless big market squad like the talent-starved Lakers and their .250 winning percentage. As always, the big market wins came from the golden-hearted generosity of blue-collar smaller markets with the Washington Wizards allowing the Celtics to boost their confidence with a close win and the Detroit Pistons easing up the breaks to let the Lakers starters feel like superstars for one fleeting night.

• • •

Bubba's Bait Shop Presents: "The Buck Stops Here!" Mike Dunleavy MVP Watch

Mike Dunleavy, heavy favorite in the 2012-2013 MVP race, is currently posting an astronomical PER of 27.12 on 70% shooting and leading his beloved Buckaroos to an undefeated record. While he took it easy on big-market Boston with a 7 point night there, he decided to ramp up his level of play in a fierce match-up against the dynasty-driven Cleveland Cavaliers wherein he dropped 27 points and added 12 boards. We'll be sure to update you on his performance later this week in what looks to be a marquee prime-time Wednesday-night match-up between Dunleavy's Bucks and the 2nd smallest market in the NBA, the Memphis Grizzlies.

• • •

Small Market Mondays Game of the Night

With so many great match-ups tonight, it's hard to choose just one to focus on: the Brooklyn Nets and the largest market look to pull off the unlikely upset on the Minnesota T-Wolves, playing without mega-ultra-superstar Kevin Love. Meanwhile, Indiana faces San Antonio in what is sure to be an excellent display of classiness, ball movement, and all around great teamwork. Great blue-collar hustle plays. However, the game of the night HAS to go to the Memphis Grizzlies hosting the Utah Jazz. This is sure to be a great battle between 2 of the smallest 6 markets in the league, and there's much on the line to play for here. Mo Williams will be leading the Jazz and he's on a mission to prove that his time in the big, morally destitute market of Los Angeles didn't corrupt his play too much. But, the Grizzlies' Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph are on a mission of their own -- to prove that there needs to be a rule declaring the first team to 20 offensive rebounds the winner. Because as every good analyst knows, the only points that really matter in basketball are hustle points.

• • •

This concludes your first Small Market Monday of the year, folks. Don't forget to vote tomorrow, even though it may seem like a lock. Gary Johnson needs every vote he can get, friends, so he too can win in a landslide like good ol' Jimmy Carter in 1980!

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