Inspired largely by such masterpieces of journalism as Frank Sinatra Has a Cold and The Consummation of Dirk, I (name: John Eppers) have endeavored to bring you the secret lives of NBA players - from the ground floor. Carrying tape recorders everywhere, my hundred-some aliases (most of them anonymous mopboys and ballboys) give the adolescent squeak that is the calling card of the greatest undercover basketball journalist since David Halberstam. In addition to my job as a journalist, I am an exceptionally creative person, and am enrolled in English and creative writing classes at the state university across the street from my family's house, even though I'm only 16. I wield a mop like Sherlock Holmes wielded his Sherlock Holmes uniform.
Editor's Note: I thought Alex had dealt with his second personality already. My bad.
Because of my admittedly specious journalistic standard of crediting a "faceless street-level warrior of the pen," Aaron insists that we instead call this section "fiction". But it's all true. I saw it. So - as a compromise - we're calling this feature "Altogether Disturbing Fiction," a phrase synonymous enough with truth to work.
- Kevin Garnett, the Man of Unbelievable Cruelty - October 26, 2011 (by Alex)
- The Worst Halloween Ever - November 1, 2011 (by Alex)
- The Two Towers and the Terrible Text - November 21, 2011 (by Aaron)
- Chauncey Billups: the Memoirs of a Cancer - December 13, 2011 (by Alex)
- Mike Brown and Kobe Bryant Hash it Out - December 24, 2011 (by Alex)
- RJ Takes the Booth (Part I) - January 3, 2012 (by Alex)
- Kevin Durant Picked Second… Again. - January 23, 2012 (by Alex)
- The Tcharh Lott Bobcat$ and The Legend of Cr’azhwals - February 9, 2012 (by Alex)
- Sager's Sacred Chord - February 11, 2012 (by Aaron)
- Obsolete! Obsolete! Obsolete! - February 15, 2012 (by Alex)
- Yet Another Bobcats Blowout (or: I want to believe) - March 8, 2012 (by Jacob)
- A Brief History of Rolling the Dice - (by Aaron)
- Mike Brown and Mike Woodson Talk Shop - March 19, 2012 (by Alex)
- Trading Spaces with the Jester and the Knight - March 21, 2012 (by Alex)