Hey, all. Having a good summer? Yep. Me too. I've been enjoying my time away from basketball, truth be told. You have to realize this -- no matter how much a person enjoys writing about hoops, a 370,000 series crammed into one month combined with 3-4 posts a week for the preceding and following 7 months is completely exhausting. I've been taking the time to get into video games I never played (currently slogging through Mass Effect, just finished Half-Life 2, et cetera), sleep more than I'm used to, and affect mischief around the town. Fun times forever. That said, I love writing. No matter how slowly I'm getting back into the swing of my basketball writing, I'm still doing a few tertiary writing projects. On Twitter's recommendation, I decided to bring one of my projects to Gothic Ginobili. This one is courtesy of everyone's good friend Angelo, and I'll let him describe it:

A friend challenged me to a writing contest. The basic premise is that for two months, she will send me a writing prompt twice a week. 750 word response. I will do the same with her. The point is to get some experience/feedback writing a bunch of different, unusual things with odd prompts that you don't expect. Would you be interested in doing one a week for the rest of the offseason?

Fun times in Cleveland today. (Cleveland!) Now, that said, we started this exercise a month ago and only recently finished our first contributions. He's posting his on Goodspeed and Poe, everyone's favorite blog. I'm posting my contributions (apparently!) on Gothic Ginobili, everyone's favorite basketball. No, I didn't mean to type "basketball blog." Gothic Ginobili is not a blog. Gothic Ginobili is a basketball. If you disagree with this particular assessment, you just haven't experienced this place properly yet.

Here's this week's prompt, alongside my diary-style response.

• • •

PROMPT #1: You've somehow found yourself somehow transplanted to the year 3030. Aaron McGuire (circa 2013) is trapped in the world of 3030. What do you see? Try to describe it in terms that would make sense to someone of the year 2013. What frightens you the most? What makes you the most hopeful?

CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 3030 -- AARON MCGUIRE, c. 2013

In the year 1030, Olaf II of Norway was slaughtered on the field of battle. (Gross.) Henry I revolted against his father, King Robert, and Romanus III invaded Syria to a crushing defeat at the Battle of Azaz. To my knowledge, these are the three most impactful things that occurred in the year 1030. Which makes it sort of strange that none of these three things had any traceable impact on our modern, 2013-style world. The most immediately evident is Olaf's fate, as he was canonized to become the patron saint of Norway. "Rex perpetuum Norvegiae" -- 'the eternal king of Norway', if you aren't one of those crazy people who speak Latin. The second most immediately evident is Azaz Ansari, who got his name fr--... wait, no, he's Aziz. Wow. This is tough.

Anyways. Point is: in 2013, we didn't know JACK about what happened a thousand years prior. I don't know anything about how King Olaf lived. I don't understand why Romanus III invaded Syria. I don't know why Henry I revolted. We had historical record, and we had scores of brilliant historians who put their life and soul into sifting through the past and pre-digesting historical truths like a beneficent mother bird. As I come to build a comfort level in the year 3030, I realize slowly that our inability to relate to or understand the bygone times isn't some struggle of information flow. Our lack of understanding around the figures who came before us is a persistent bug in the system. It's not an idiosyncrasy of data quality, in short -- it's a fundamental problem with time and the human condition.

The world's different, but the people aren't. We have some absolutely incredible technology here in 3030. World hunger has been eradicated -- humans are fed through these giant floating sky-barns. They're these giant floating globules over every city. They're weird. Every day, rockets with seeds in them get shot into their cores. The seeds disperse, creating a dandelion of genetically perfected vegetables and fruits. They have all of our daily values covered. They rain down from the heavens -- perfectly ripened -- at a specified time each day, and everyone wanders outside to catch them. Overpopulation was solved in a way that terrifies me, a bit -- the human race holds steady at roughly 125% the population of 2013, sterilizing children at random to ensure the population stays in a specified range. Random children! "It's fair if everyone has the same shot, right?" The nuclear family is gone, a bygone product of a lost age. You have a partner, and you have a neighborhood. These are your family. Your children are not yours -- they belong to the world at large, to be redistributed to a community that's lacking. Wealth and monetary achievement are still differential across states and nations, but the fortunes of the world's citizens are more dispersed among individual neighborhoods than the individual actors. People are a bit shorter than in our time, due to stricter height requirements on buildings. At 6'4", I'm something of a monster to my fellow man.

That's the world, though. That's not the people. I started that paragraph with the idea that people "aren't very different." And although I just listed a score of differences and dispersions from our 2013 norm, I stand by that -- society has changed, and the context in which we live is different. But what of people? Citizens of the world? The human soul? We're about the same, believe it or not. We still love and lose and live and lie. We cry and beam, we strive and die. Even in a world where food and survival is no longer a primary concern, we drop bombs over territorial disputes and the most wealthy nations of the world still go crazy to flex our national powers. Even for nothing. World War I started when a Bosnian national assassinated the wrong rich heir. The Great War of 3025 started when a Eurasian spy was shot in an American supermart -- a completely unrelated stickup, with no global consequences anticipated. If I'd been there when it started, I'd have yelled and pounded my fists and tried to make people realize the sad truth: it had happened before! World War I was the same exact thing! Same reasons, same illogic. But the alliances and treaties forced the world into an all-out war. Kids aren't getting sterilized as much, these days -- the population is STILL recovering.

I would've yelled. I would've pointed at the past and pleaded with the powers that be. "Listen to me! It's happened before!" The more I consider it, though, the less faith I have that it would've done anything at all. You know, some historians -- a few fringe 1900s scholars -- yelled their freaking heads off. It never did anything. Nothing whatsoever. That's what's so incredibly frightening about this world of the future. Hindsight is supposed to be 20/20, but as time goes by, the mistakes are forgotten and the triumphs idealized. World War I's lesson is lost, as generations melt into generations and the future has fewer and fewer direct connections. And then nations allied once more, and the droning march of history trudges onwards into a self-repeating abyss. What use is life, if the hard-fought lessons of your generation have no bearing on anything other than the immediate future? What's the real footprint of a humanity that goes in circles?

But then, hey. Step back a bit. Why worry yourself with the machinations of history when you have the machinations of those around you to distract? Look at yourself in the mirror, Aaron. There's this cute girl. Adrienne. We smile when we pass each other. She slipped me her number the other day. Real hush-hush, you know? We're meeting up for coffee on Thursday. And there's this bubbly anticipation for nothing but the potential of an unknown love. And when you stop rehashing the existential longing of a society that never learns? The concerns seem to fade away. I have her number. She's cute. She seems to like me. What's the distraction, anyway? Is it the fun personal meandering, or the concerns of humanity as a whole? Maybe the meandering is why we're here in the first place. Maybe the broader world is the distraction.

I'll ask her on Thursday. Maybe she'll know.

• • •

If you want to fill out the prompt with your take, the comments are open. I'll be sure to leave my thoughts on any attempts.

Continue reading

As time ran out in the NBA Finals, an intense feeling of despair washed over me. Partly because a Heat victory looked more and more inevitable, but primarily because this would be it: the last NBA game until late October. That sport I've cared way too much about would be floating away for four months. As a recent college graduate still looking for work, I had -- and still have -- absolutely no idea where my life will be the next time I watched a meaningful basketball game. A few days later, I perked up. The season was replaced by something almost as good: the offseason.

Or, as I like to call it, "Imaginary Basketball Season."

Every day for a solid month (the first two weeks being the most intense), we hear about an endless string of signings and deals in the basketball world. Then, until October, we get to fantasize endlessly about how it will actually work! Until we're burdened by the reality of whatever actually happens, we can speculate endlessly about each move. And that's fun. Is the mere presence of Andrea Bargnani going to submarine the Knicks, or does he revive his career as a valuable sixth man? What if the Jose Calderon-Monta Ellis back court in Dallas works really well? (Aren't they a perfectly complimentary pairing?)

All notions seem entirely possible. Plausible, even. And that's the thing -- Imaginary Basketball is not about realities or truths. It's about plausibility and ideas. And the quest for plausibility leads us to the greatest goal of Imaginary Basketball Season: winning an imaginary title. Basketball is easily the most hierarchical of the four major U.S. sports. Teams can win Super Bowls and Stanley Cups simply by getting hot at the right time, and any team who reaches the playoffs could potentially win the title. But there are only a select few of teams who have a real shot winning a championship in basketball. And usually, we have a pretty good idea of who those teams are, even when the season begins. Naturally, the ultimate goal of any general manager is to win a title -- but another, perhaps equally important goal? Get that team to the point where they could theoretically win a title.

• • •

What's the difference between a title and a theoretical title? Well, for one, numbers: There aren't really enough titles to go around for every quality team to win one. That's why teams like the Nash-Stoudemire-Marion Suns and the Stockton-Malone Jazz ended up empty handed. They just never had that year where everything aligned perfectly for them. At the same time, though, when those teams were at their peak, everyone knew year-in and year-out that they had a fairly good chance of winning a championship. During the Stockton-Malone era, the Jazz probably won about eight theoretical titles, even if they never won a real one. And, as such, even though losing to Michael Jordan twice in two years must be painful, the Jazz made their stamp on basketball history.

It's a worthy goal. Theoretically.

How does a team win a theoretical title? There are two ways to go about it. One is the blue collar route, what I'll call the "Pacers/Grizzlies Route." Here, a well-constructed team has sustained playoff success. Eventually, we all realize that they deserve to be taken seriously. It's a common strategy, but it seems to be drying up a bit -- as far as management goes, constructing a great roster and maintaining success for years on end is really hard, so most teams prefer the second option: signing one or two really big name guys ether through free agency or trades, and hoping they figure out how to play together. In the post-Decision world, that arms race gets more intense every year. Now we've got the definitions down and we can safely move from theory to practice.

So let's look at some examples of hypothetical teams for this offseason.

• • •

Brooklyn Nets

It's an arms race that begins in Russia... or Brooklyn, I guess. The first theoretical title of the 2013 offseason came on draft night, when the Nets acquired Pierce and KG from the Celtics for what was basically a smorgasbord of refuse (even if I do expect MarShon Brooks to have a rebound year). It was a stunning move by a team with an owner who has shown that he would do absolutely anything to win a title. Or to simply contend for one.

Is it a perfect move? Of course not; more than a few risks are in play. First and most obviously, both players are more than a half-decade removed from their primes. While neither has seen his play decline a great deal since 2009, they're both going to fall off at some point. Second, the move really only gives the Nets -- or at least this incarnation of them -- a one-or-two year window to win a title. After that, Garnett will probably retire, Pierce will likely follow, and Deron Williams and Joe Johnson would be respectively in their 11th and 15th seasons. In the long run, the trade could be problematic for them, but for now, the Nets look suddenly like one of the scariest teams in the league.

And as for our purposes: The biggest difference between this year's Nets and last year's Nets is the real potential for a title. Last year, many of us looked at the Deron Williams-Joe Johnson-Brook Lopez trio and thought "Sure, yeah, that team isn't bad. But there's no way they get past Miami." In the end, Brooklyn couldn't even get past a depleted Bulls team whose best player was Nate Robinson. We can't write the Nets off so easily this year. In spite of some clear flaws, this version of the Nets has the fringe potential to be a deadly team. All five of their starters are above league average at their position, and Jason Terry could have a rebound year, especially if playing a contender gives him a greater sense of purpose. Andrei Kirilenko signed on for cheap to win a title for Mother Russia, and he could give the Nets the best defense in the NBA. Also, Andray Blatche is still there. I don't like him either, but he's going to help.

• • •

Houston Rockets

__ __The second theoretical title of this offseason came when Dwight Howard changed his Twitter avatar to a picture of himself in a Rockets uniform. Daryl Morey's dream had finally come true; after years of finishing finishing somewhere between 7th and 10th in the West, he has a team with two superstars and a decent supporting cast that could terrorize the NBA this season. Again, this lineup isn't perfect. Dwight saw his play decline considerably last year, and while we're all assuming he's going to play better this year, and his back will be okay, that's actually far from a guarantee. Also, if Jeremy Lin hangs around, we're going to have to wonder if he's capable of running the offense for a serious contender. (Mario Chalmers' two rings suggest that this might not be a huge concern.)

In any event, the Rockets have to be taken seriously. Even if Westbrook-Durant could prove to be a better pairing than Harden-Howard, even if the Spurs' well-oiled machine could give them fits, even if the Grizzlies are an absolute matchup nightmare for them, you can't look at this team and not think they have the potential to emerge from the West this season. That's why Daryl Morey is a winner right now, even if the Rockets never actually win a title. Morey has gotten them to the point where they could. Considering that this team had spent four seasons in late lottery purgatory, that's no small feat.

• • •

Here are a few teams that haven't won theoretical titles yet, but have had (in one analysts opinion) excellent imaginary basketball seasons.

• Cleveland Cavaliers: Houston illustrates a general principle in theoretical basketball: going after big-name players is a surprisingly sound strategy. Even if it doesn't always work out, the endgame of a big player commands fear and respect for the team. That's why signing Andrew Bynum was a good move for the Cavaliers, despite his injury history and the fact that he's kind of a jerk. He was the second-best center in the league as recently as May 2012, and if 'Drew stays healthy, the Kyrie-Bynum duo could wreak havoc this season. This hypothetical team was a little too shaky for me to award them a theoretical title, but they've definitely earned a spot in the Imaginary Second Round.

• New Orleans Pelicans: As with the Cavs, the Pellies off-season has been criticized for reasons that are perfectly reasonable, and I find myself saying "yeah, but what if it works?" Sure, there's plenty of holes you can poke in this team. Jrue Holiday isn't anywhere as much of an upgrade over Greivis Vasquez as you might think. Eric Gordon can't stay healthy to save his life. Tyreke Evans gets less productive every year. Finally, we have no idea if these guys will be able to play together. All of these are perfectly valid points. And yet, I love the team New Orleans put together, if only because of the ceiling for these guys is extremely high. Despite every flaw I just mentioned, they are all are above-average players, and could thrive if given the right situation. More importantly, they gave Anthony Davis some real talent to work with. To understand what the Pelicans are doing, think of the LeBron-era Cavs, who never found LeBron a quality sidekick. There's no guarantee Anthony Davis will blossom into a superstar, but if he does, the Pelicans have provided with a supporting cast that won't fore him to carry the load. There's a lot of questions here, but if it goes well, you can pencil the Pellies in for a theoretical title around 2015-16 or so.

• Detroit Pistons: After years of being as boring as Mom and Greg Monroe, the Pistons might actually be the most interesting team in the league right now. Much like the Cavs and Pellies, they've took some risks on quality players who other teams were afraid of, and now find themselves with a high ceiling, as well as a fairly low floor. If Brandon Jennings is the point guard while Monroe, Josh Smith, and Andre Drummond are all on the court, I have no idea how they'll space the floor. Would they send Drummond to the bench for another year so Smith can play the 4, even if Drummond has the most raw talent of anyone the team? Would that stunt Drummond's growth? These are some things the Pistons need to figure out, but their potential is through the roof. Maybe Drummond makes good on last year's promise and becomes a top 5 center. Maybe Milwaukee was just the wrong place for Jennings, and he thrives in Detroit's system. Maybe the Pistons can make up for their lack of spacing with sheer brute force - like the Grizzlies. This team could also be an epic train wreck, but the ceiling is to high to ignore. For now, I have the Pistons getting knocked out in the Imaginary First Round, with much bigger things on the horizon.

 

• • •

Of course, when the actual season starts, we're going to have to face stupid reality again, and look at the actual ramifications of these moves. Maybe the Nets prove to be this year's Lakers -- too old and injured to live up to the hype -- and maybe the Rockets prove to be underwhelming and get bounced by a well-coached-for-the-first-time Clippers team. Or maybe the two preseason darlings will face off in the Finals. But those are things we won't have to deal with until Actual Basketball Season starts. For now, we're free to have our heads in the clouds and talk ourselves into risky signing paying huge dividends, regardless of how flawed our logic might actually be. While part of is simply being starved for basketball (I can't accept Summer League as a sufficient replacement), part of me likes Imaginary Basketball Season better.

I can dream of Uncle Drew and Bynum working magic in the pick and roll, while ignoring likelihood that both of them miss 25 games or more. I can dream of Jrue, Tyreke, and Gordon all putting up more than 15 a game for the Pellies without burdening myself with question of how that would actually work. If I'm looking for something to watch on TV that isn't an endless string of baseball games, I'd rather have the real NBA. But if I'm looking for something to think about on a heavily caffeinated late-night run to the supermarket?

It doesn't get any better than Imaginary Basketball Season.

Continue reading

Hey, everyone! We've been taking a bit of a break for the start of summer, but we're back. Our three main writers -- Aaron McGuire, Alex Dewey, and Alex Arnon -- are all slumming it in Vegas to cover the haps and antics of this year's Las Vegas Summer League action. Arnon and McGuire have been in town all weekend, putting together a cornucopia of miniature stories and notes for later digestion. This post represents our Monday thoughts... including a short piece on one of the more notable pieces of Summer League news in Ron Artest's return to the boroughs.

• • •

WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT M-W-PEACE, LOVE, AND UNDERSTANDING?

Very few notable roster moves happen during the Las Vegas Summer League. If you're lucky, you'll see a few players get signed. You know the type. Your Will Bynums, your Luke Waltons, your Elton Brands. A handful of players, but few serious value adds. And fewer still happen to sign with legitimate contending teams. And given this context, imagine the shock and awe at the announcement of this morning's big-time breaking news: Metta World Peace, the recently amnestied, has signed with the Knicks! Listen to those fans, readers!

"Metta World Peace!"

"MEATY WHIRLED PEAS!"

"MELTING WARBLED CHEESE!"

Suffice to say, it was a fun moment. Especially when the collected Twitterati discovered that World Peace had made his way to Vegas. Seconds after the start of the day's first game -- an incomprehensibly fast paced matchup between the Charlotte Champcats and the Toure "Cash in a Hurry" Murry Knicks -- Metta World Peace made his way out of the tunnel to jam with Clyde Frazier and give a wave and a nod to his adoring fans.

I suppose it shouldn't be much of a surprise that World Peace made his way to Vegas -- if I was an NBA player as keen to the rhythms of the ridiculous as Artest, I'd be sure to make my way to an event like Summer League too. I mean, look at it this way: in Summer League, Toure Murry is a star. MarQuez Haynes is our player of the moment. Cory Joseph is legitimately too good. It's crazy-go-Wheaties stuff, and that's the exact place that a man like Metta World Peace thrives. I mean, Christ. He changed his name to Metta World Peace. He was made for this Knicks team.

Honestly, I haven't written much lately, and because of that I've neglected to share my thoughts on this year's souped up new Knicks roster. That's a mistake. I'm really looking forward to this Knicks team, and in an effort to help guide Knicks fans off the ledge, I'll use the Peace signing as a chance to share my grandest hopes for this year's New York Knicks squad.

SIGNING ANDREA BARGNANI

Okay, look. I don't love this trade from a future perspective for the same reason I don't love Brooklyn's trade for KG and Pierce. Given New York's general age, it's hard to imagine them suddenly getting all that much better in future seasons. Those draft picks may end up being actual assets someday. And Bargnani was an amnesty candidate with shockingly low trade value. I sincerely doubt the Knicks needed to give up that much value to get Bargnani. It wasn't a great trade, and all the Twitter hemming and hawing over the wealth of assets Toronto snagged was deserved.

All that said? I feel like this makes New York a bit better next season. Bargnani isn't nearly the long range shooter his reputation suggests, and his effort last season was abjectly awful. If he puts up that same brand of disinterested fluff-ball, the Knicks are in some trouble. But I have a feeling that's not going to happen. Bargnani may not be healthy the entire season, and he's likely to be the same sort of defensive turnstile he's been his entire career on help defense. But Bargnani has always been a semi-effective isolation defender when he's locked in, and Tyson Chandler will represent the first chance Bargnani's career to play big minutes alongside one of the NBA's top helpers. Bargnani may not fit particularly well next to Carmelo, but I can't help but think he'll play decent ball alongside Chandler and prove a useful 20-25 minute a night tool.

In the short term, the Knicks gave away Steve Novak (a lesser Matt Bonner), the dessicated corpse of Marcus Camby, and a player they signed in April of last season. In return, the Knicks receive a flawed but potentially useful piece. Bargnani -- shockingly -- makes the Knicks younger and gives them a semi-coherent big man rotation. The future is the future. In the now, the Knicks have a bit more upside and a bit more clarity. Not a bad thing, no matter how much we like to make fun of the Pastalord.

BRINGING BACK J.R. SMITH & PABLO PRIGIONI

Look. I get all the mockery. We aren't talking about skinny jeans, here -- I get it. "HAHA, WOW, J.R. IS TERRIBLE." He's not great. I'm on record as not being much of a fan, especially when he has those 3 or 4 plays a game where it becomes exceedingly obvious the kind of talent he's leaving on the table. That said... what the hell choice did they have? People act as though the Knicks passed up a ton of fantastic free agency options. Hardly. The only way the Knicks were adding players to a roster as deathly capped out as they are was resigning their own guys. Smith qualifies for that.

Beyond J.R. Smith, the Knicks had about $3 million dollars to spend. Three. To put that in context, Monta Ellis is making $10 million a year. Al Jefferson is making $14 million. Even Danny Green -- widely considered a complete steal and an incredibly cheap player -- makes $4 million a year. Long story short? The Knicks couldn't afford anything. By keeping Smith, the Knicks gave themselves the opportunity to spend their $3 million pittance on a few minor roleplayers while keeping themselves from having gaping holes in their backup guard spots. I don't love either Prigs or Smith -- I think Prigs is barely an NBA caliber player and I think Smith is one of the biggest disappointments still playing -- but for the price the Knicks got, they honestly couldn't have done better.

SIGNING METTA WORLD PEACE

And finally, we have today's signing -- "MARBLED WELDED CLEESE!" ... (I'll stop with the horrible MWP jokes, someday.) Given the amount of cash the Knicks had left after signing their guys, I must unveil a terrible secret. I don't hate this signing either. As bad as Artest looked in the playoffs last season, he spent large portions of last season playing legitimate second banana to Kobe Bryant for a 45 win Lakers squad. His defense has fallen off a cliff, but he still has a handle on that fundamental aggression that made him such a brutalizing force in his prime. He can share that, I think, with New York's younger, better defenders. (Shumpert, specifically.)

I don't think World Peace has a ton left in the tank, but I don't think he's chopped liver either. He'll give them 10-15 minutes a game of semi-coherent defense and he'll drain a few shots a night. He'll work in the weight room with Shumpert and help his defensive development stumble forward. He'll be an entertaining postgame presence. He'll get to be the first Queensbridge player to retire in Madison Square Garden. Could the Knicks have gotten any better asset with $1.5 million dollars to spend? I have my doubts. Decent signing for a team with virtually no flexibility.

Thus, my final verdict -- the Knicks really didn't do that poorly this summer. Sure, they made a poor forward-looking trade that may come back to bite them. Sure, their moves are only positive in the sense that they were completely cap strapped and utterly devoid of better options. That said? In a world with no real choices, the Knicks managed to marginally improve their team and keep their hopes alive. Didn't exactly ace the Kobayashi Maru, but at least they'll go out fighting. They have a decent shot at holding the Atlantic division and they should field a competitive team. They won't win a title, but barring decimation-through-injury, they aren't going to be much worse than they were last year (if at all).

At the end of the day, they've built a hard-fought collection of the NBA's most beloved headcases that should challenge for 45-50 wins in a pastry-soft East. Sports is what you make of it. For a besieged big market franchise with few present options, the New York front office somehow managed to mold their team into a marginally more ridiculous unit. Good for the fans. Good for the franchise. Good for the writers. God bless the New York Knicks, every one.

... "METTA! WORLD! PEACE!"

-- Aaron McGuire

• • •

GOTHIC GINOBILI DOES FASHION

In this positively glamorous new feature, Gothic Ginobili editor Aaron McGuire is going to try and comment on the NBA's jersey fashions in the 2013 NBA Summer League. Let's get it, fashionistas!

~ SUMMER LEAGUE UNIFORM GLAM RANKINGS ~

1. New Orleans Pelicans.

2 through 22. Every single other team attending.

23 through 30. Every single other team not attending.

NOTE: I will also accept any ranking system that flips 23 through 30 with 2 through 22.

At this point, Dewey and Arnon dragged Aaron away from his computer and forced him to stop writing about fashion. This concludes GOTHIC GINOBILI DOES FASHION, Volume 1.

Continue reading

That's Free Agency for you. I wrote a short piece this past weekend for a 48 Minutes of Hell offseason compilation on the various options open to the Spurs. Unfortunately, in the process of finishing the compilation of the feature, Tiago Splitter was resigned and the whole thing became little more than an academic exercise. The main point of the piece was to examine the various options available to the Spurs in this offseason -- how some of the big targets would fit with the team, how the team could sign them, and the implications for future seasons. My assignment was to examine a curiosity of mine: Andre Iguodala as a Spur. The following is my Iguodala portion of this weekend's efforts, stored here for your enjoyment and for readers to laugh uproariously at me for thinking this had any chance of happening. (To be fair, I didn't think it was likely. It was just an exercise in spitballing options. Still, though. It's on me, to be a G.)

• • •

What should the Spurs do with Manu Ginobili? ... While I'm as big a Manu fan as anyone (see: the capsules!), there comes a time when every sporting legend fades to black. That time is now, for Manu. That said, I'm still a proponent of bringing Manu back if he'd accept a much smaller deal. He can still have occasional flings with dominance, but only on short minutes with a score of backup options. If Manu would accept $3 million a year I'd be happy to see him back. Any more and life begins to get messy, although I could be sold on anything up to $5 million without too much hand-wringing. [Ed. Note: I'm still on board with the $3-5 million mark. Hoping that he'll take the low end to allow the Spurs the room to go after one of the high-tier agents like AK47, but if the Spurs decide to resign Manu and Neal and use their full MLE, I'm also OK with Manu getting a one-year highly inflated salary to repay him for all the seasons of salary sacrifice to help San Antonio contend.]

What should the Spurs do with Tiago Splitter? ... I don't think the Finals necessarily mean the Spurs need to dump Splitter to the curb. After all, this is the man who roundly destroyed the world in San Antonio's lopsided romp through the Western Conference, despite the mid-playoff injury. Does he work against Miami? Perhaps not, but if he's effective against every other team in the league, he's still a worthy player. That all said, I do think the Spurs are going to be inevitably priced out of the Splitter chase. If Splitter could go for $8 million or less, I'd be happy with the Spurs resigning him. Anything more than $8 million, I'm wary. Anything more than $10 million, I'm adamantly opposed. [Ed. Note: Yes, I know. He got $9 million -- less than my "adamant opposition" point but more than my "happy with it" point. As such, I'm not too happy about it. That said, given the normal contracts that get handed out to above-average two-way bigs? I'm fine with it and accept it. Keep in mind, this is a league where Marcin Gortat got $7 million a year after less than a season's worth of 12 MPG play.]

The Spurs should target... Andre Iguodala. In Iguodala, the Spurs would be playing into the way Pop likes to play. Both Iguodala and Kawhi Leonard can act as excellent small-ball fours with their rebounding and defensive acumen, and Iguodala's passing could fill the post-Manu role of Parker's secondary creator nicely. While Iguodala's three point shot has been on-and-off his entire career, I have a sneaking suspicion that Chip Engelland's tutelage could rehabilitate it nicely. And for all his faults as a singular star, Iguodala would represent the best perimeter defender to suit up in a Spurs jersey since Bowen. He's a constant defensive player of the year candidate for a reason. Few defensive trios in the league are as fearsome as a theoretical Duncan/Kawhi/Iggy. Iguodala represents a nice bridge to the immediate Parker-led future, and a guaranteed trio of talent in the immediate post-Duncan years.

How does it work? ... I don't believe Andre Iguodala will attract a max contract this summer, but I imagine he'll come relatively close. As Iguodala made $15 million last season, a max deal for Iguodala will run a team $16.4 million per year. I suspect Iguodala's final deal will end up around $14 million per year, with some unlikely incentives to push up his possible numbers. Assuming the Spurs can quickly convince Manu to return at $3 million per year and allow Splitter to leave for fiscally greener pastures, they would have just $12.7 million dollars in available cap room. The Spurs could chip away at that number by renouncing Gary Neal's $1.1 million cap hold or pulling off a sign-and-trade for conditional second round draft picks to send him to an over-cap contender that needs him. (Indiana, perhaps?) They could look into possible trades for Matt Bonner, as well -- if nothing else, they could certainly amnesty him. Assuming a Bonner amnesty and Neal's departure, the Spurs would have $17.7 million dollars of cap room available to sign Iguodala. [Ed. Note: Hey, at least I was right about the $14 million, right?]

What are the immediate after-effects of an Iguodala acquisition? ... If Iguodala were to agree to a $14 million dollar starting salary, Iguodala's final deal would likely be a 4-year $60 million dollar deal. [Ed. Note: I forgot. Defenders rarely get paid.] The Spurs would end the previously proposed wheeling and dealing with $3.7 million dollars of cap room, perhaps allowing them to register a semi-competitive offer for Gerald Henderson, Chris Copeland, or Matt Barnes. Or any of the other small-tier free agents -- those are my three favorites, but I trust the Spurs front office more than I trust myself there. If the Spurs chose to use that cap room, they'd have only the "Room" Mid-Level exception available for further roster building, a two-year $2.6 million exception allotted to teams who have used cap room to sign players during their offseason. My best guess is that the Spurs would look into a few different options for the cap room and the exceptions, in the end settling with one reasonably young big or wing on a $3.7 million dollar contract and an unused MLE, counting on D-League call-ups to fill out the remaining three roster spots. Overall, the Spurs should end the spending spree nominally under the cap, in reasonably good shape to keep their books clean going forward.

How would this impact San Antonio's future cap situation? ... I said their books would be clean. I didn't say they'd be flexible. While it looks unlikely the Spurs are going to dip into the luxury tax any time soon no matter what San Antonio does this summer, it's rather unlikely the Spurs are going to have significant roster flexibility in the next 3-4 years. Whether the Spurs resign Tiago and Manu or sign a top-tier free agent, any contract they sign is likely to be a long-term deal. They won't have significant cap space in 2014 unless they sign this summer's haul to one-year deals -- the Cuban gambit. In 2015, the Spurs are nominally flush with room. In practice, though? They'll have expensive contract extensions to bring Parker, Leonard, and Green back into the fold. That keeps flexibility low. All told, those three are likely to demand something in the neighborhood of a combined $35 million dollars. Whether you sign Tiago, Manu, and a Redick-type shooter for $17 million or Iguodala and Manu for $17 million, any of this summer's signings will already put the Spurs in spitting distance of $50 million in 2015 salary commitments if you assume that they intend to bring Leonard/Green/Parker back at that juncture. And that's just a handful of players! The Spurs won't have significant cap room in 2015 unless they choose to blow up their core, and they'll be hamstrung for a few years after that -- this year's potential room represents San Antonio's best chance at a marquee free agent in the next half decade. They've handled their roster expertly, and this is their big chance to fill in a piece that will keep the Spurs humming in the post-Duncan era. I'm of the view that Iguodala is the best option of all the players out there. Does he want to be a Spur? Does the front office see things the same way? We'll see.

... And thus we saw. The Spurs did NOT see things the same way, and Iguodala isn't even getting quite as much as I thought he would. C'est la vie. I still think it'd be fun to see a Duncan/Kawhi/Iguodala/Green/Parker lineup -- defensively, that just seems amazing to me. And the smallball offensive opportunities are fun to envision. But there's value in retaining corporate knowledge if you're the Spurs. And there's value in Splitter's ability to help Duncan rest. And all this said? If they amnesty Bonner and get Manu to agree to a $3 million dollar contract, they can still have up to $8 million in cap room to pursue someone like Andrei Kirilenko or Gerald Henderson. The Spurs could still, in theory, add a major piece to the team that made the finals last year.

The eternal death-defying pretzel cart of the San Antonio Spurs hobbles onwards.

• • •

One final note -- you may have noticed a dearth of posts by me in the aftermath of the finals. This is on purpose. I'm taking a several week sabbatical to recover from an emotionally exhausting Finals gamut and -- quite frankly -- working far too hard on my hobby. I'll be back in a little over a week with some Summer League coverage, and I'll be starting a new capsule-related series later this summer. No, I'm not doing rewrites of last year's 370 capsules, but I'm doing some work on a 45-or-so part series that's almost as useful! Fun times for everyone. Until then, though, I'm going to take some time off and play Fallout 3 as Pau Gasol. No, really. I'm playing Fallout 3 as Pau Gasol. (In a related story, Fallout: Phil Vegas will return sometime next season. We have features galore, guys! FEATURES GALORE!)

Continue reading

A few months ago, prior to the trade deadline, I wrote a piece entitled Josh Smithial Chaos Theory based on an episode of NBC's Community. The episode "Remedial Chaos Theory" sees a group of seven friends forced to decide who is going to pick up the pizza they ordered, thanks to a broken buzzer. The groups de facto leader, Jeff, determines that the fairest way is to roll a die to decide who goes. Of course, the die has six sides, and there are seven people. Jeff rigged the game so that he'd never lose. Right as Jeff is about to roll the die, the group's pop-culture maniac notes that by rolling the die, the group is creating six different timelines, all of which are later shown in the episode, with various degrees of shenanigans ensuing each time.

Last night was draft night, and the Cleveland Cavaliers stood to make a choice. Chris Grant and Dan Gilbert seemed to have no idea who they should draft with their first pick. Every player has their pros and cons. Unable to find a draft day trade they'd like, they enter the Barclays Center. Soon afterwards, they hear David Stern speak the now-dreaded words. "Cleveland is on the clock." As minutes tick away, they scramble to find a solution, and eventually, not being able to find the right answer, they turn to their ultimate good luck charm, Dan's son, the awesome Nick Gilbert. Nick pulls a die out of his pocket, along with a list of six names the Cavs could draft. Dan nods and rolls the die. The universe is giddy at the thought of six different timelines being created.

Disclaimer: Adam is not a draft analyst. He's just a blogger. Do not treat this as draft analysis. DO NOT.

Timeline 1: Cleveland selects Alex Len

Dan Gilbert sighs with relief. At least he got a big guy. He wouldn't go against luck, not after winning two draft lotteries, anyway. And so, Alex Len becomes the first Ukrainian born player to be drafted first overall. Hooray! Nobody in Kiev or Lviv really cares, though, since they're busy fighting off an semi-autocratic regime.

Len immediately contributes as a pick and roll player, working very well with Kyrie Irving and finally leading the Cleveland Cavaliers to the playoffs. The problem? They're the 8th seed. LeBron doesn't care about the boos, as the Cavs are swept away. After the series, a disappointed Len bashes James, saying that him leaving Cleveland was dishonourable and that it would never fly in the Ukraine. In response, an agitated James tells Dan Gilbert that he's not coming back to Cleveland unless Len is gone. This immediately leaks and Cleveland is unable to find a good trade for Len, as the other teams recognize the desperation of the move. Eventually, Len is sold for two second rounders to Houston, as Daryl Morey laughs manically. LeBron doesn't come to Cleveland anyway, announcing that he's keeping his talents in South Beach. Irving eventually leaves as well, disappointed with the way the front office handled his time there. Dan Gilbert, meanwhile, suffers a panic attack anytime he sees a die.

Timeline 2: Cleveland selects Nerlens Noel

Dan Gilbert sighs. Another year of tanking, as Noel's ACL isn't ready for play, at all. The Cavs have an extremely mediocre season, ending up with the 10th spot in the lottery... Lo and behold, they win it, and follow it up by drafting Andrew Wiggins. LeBron James signs with them in the offseason, and the 2014-15 Cavs obliterate the league on the way to their first franchise championship. The happy riot after the win is so huge, however, that the city is utterly destroyed, forcing the Cavs to relocate to Seattle.

Cleveland never gets another NBA team.

Timeline 3: Cleveland selects Victor Oladipo

Dan Gilbert sighs. They didn't need a wing, but once again, Dan Gilbert is hardly one to go against fate. Oladipo is apparently either the next Tony Allen or the next Dwyane Wade. Whatever the case, on twitter, a war between Conrad Kaczmarek and Matt Moore erupts over whether Oladipo should play over Dion Waiters, continuing throughout the season, dividing all of basketball twitter. As they play alongside each other. Cleveland barely makes the playoffs and gets ousted by Miami. LeBron James signs with Cleveland, intensifying the twitter war over who the wings should be. Nobody even notices that Mike Brown played all three along each other, with LeBron at the 4. The war eventually destroys "basketball twitter" as Cleveland wins the title. Since all Cavs fans were too consumed with fighting each other, there is no riot, only an empty arena. Adam Silver is still booed by the empty seats, though.

Timeline 4: Cleveland selects Ben McLemore

Very similar to the Victor Oladipo timeline, but McLemore is immediately recognized as an excellent complement to Irving and Waiters. He puts up one of the best rookie three point shooting seasons ever, cementing his reputation as the next Ray Allen. This time, though, due to a butterfly effect LeBron James decides not to sign with Cleveland after ousting them from the playoffs, staying in Miami. This leads the Kyrie Irving Cavaliers to a rehash of the early 90s, as the hyper-talented Mark Price Cavaliers were constantly ousted by Jordan at various stages of his power. These Cavaliers are ousted by Miami at various stages of LeBron's power for several years, eventually leading to a disappointed Kyrie Irving's sad departure.

Timeline 5: Cleveland selects Rudy Gobert

Rudy Gobert? What? For reasons passing understanding, Nick Gilbert wrote the super-tall Frenchman's name down on his sheet. Dan Gilbert panics, trying desperately to act against fate, but even as he tries to write down "Alex Len" on the card submitted to the league office the ink smudges and Gobert's name still appears. After a rant for the ages, Conrad Kaczmarek quits twitter and becomes a Boston College blogger full-time. Cleveland has a nightmarish season, with Gobert quickly becoming the all-time laughing stock of the league's rogues gallery of failed #1 picks. Shades of Kwame Brown, perhaps. Even though they're in line for another first overall pick, fate doesn't respond kindly to Dan Gilbert's attempts to cheat it. Cleveland ends up at #4, the lowest possible draft position, and Chris Grant gets a bit too cute and drafts Przemek Karnowski. The reason? Unfathomable, even to him. Karnowski busts similarly to Gobert. Kyrie Irving demands a trade in a furious angry rage, and the team's beleaguered owner inexplicably decides to grant his request. Gilbert trades Irving to Houston for Daryl Morey's loose change, and moments later, sells the Cavaliers to Chris Hansen. And we all know how that ends. Hansen moves them to Seattle immediately. Cleveland gets an expansion team to soothe their pain, but it never wins a championship, the city's dreams shattered by close calls year by year. Dan Gilbert, meanwhile, ends up in a mental institution for the rest of his life, haunted by even the passing mention of dice.

Timeline 6: Cleveland selects Otto Porter

Otto Porter turns out to be a perfect pick for Cleveland, getting them to the 4th seed in their first year. After a second round upset of Miami, the Cavs cruise to the Finals, where they're beaten in seven games by a strong Thunder side. LeBron doesn't want to join the side that beat him, leading to a back-and-forth Eastern Conference Finals rivalry between the Heat and the Cavs that lasts for the better part of the decade. The East is finally interesting! Impossible? Not in this timeline! The fun ends only after LeBron retires at age 42, leaving lifetime Cavalier Kyrie Irving to rule in his prime as the sole proprietor of the East. (Along with his sidekick Otto, of course.)

Timeline... 7?

The die is stuck on it's side, as the two Gilberts and Chris Grant stare at it blankly. What does it mean? They should probably make their own choice, right? The clock runs out, and just as Stern is about to announce the Cavaliers have ceded the #1 pick to Orlando, they send their pick to the presses. It's a lock. After all the drama, the hand-wringing, and the confusion? The Cavaliers have chosen Anthony Bennett, the board-hungry Canadian straight out of Las Vegas. How does this timeline end for Cleveland, then? Of all possible worlds, is it the best? The worst? The bratwurst?

As luck would have it, that one's ours.

So I suppose we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

Continue reading

The NBA Finals have come and gone. I haven’t had much to say about how they played out since Game 7, and it’s probably best for all of us if I keep it that way. However, if you’re really curious, it’s accurate to say that the fan in me was displeased. Yet here we are! The wounds remain but the hardship is momentarily over for those of us whose teams were not destined for golden glory. It’s that most wonderful time of year, the off-season! Soaring hopes! Speculation! High crests of cheering excitement and cavernous voids of crushing disappointment. Hey, come to think of it, it’s actually exactly the same NBA fan experience one endures the rest of the year... only with front office dudes in suits rubbing their foreheads instead of sick dunks.

Huh.

Well, here we are. We’re only a brief time away from draft night, and we’ve already seen some intriguing trade developments regarding picks and coaching staffs. But those topics are complex, and deserving of their own posts. Here I’m going to stick to a subject you probably stopped caring about two weeks ago, if you even cared in the first place: Kevin Durant’s signing with Jay Z's Roc-Nation.

Should we be concerned that Kevin Durant chose to change agents? Should Oklahoma City fans be quivering in small market inadequacy at creeping thoughts of the star fleeing for the bright lights of one of the coasts? If all that sounds kind of silly, it’s because it is. (It's also because I’m laying it on pretty thick.) Despite this story breaking amidst one of the most exciting NBA Finals in recent memory, the questions it apparently raised in the minds of both Thunder fans and the larger public have gained a surprising amount of traction. Why would small-market hero Kevin Durant abandon Rob Pelinka and join the unproven glitz of Roc-Nation representation? What does this mean for Durant’s future in Oklahoma City? The answers may surprise you.

• • •

First, I don’t think anyone should be __shocked __Durant decided to seek new representation. People who track these sorts of things have noted that in this past season, KD had more nationally televised ad appearances than any other NBA player. I’m willing to take that claim at face value; I’ve seen that Sprint commercial with the shrunken up PJs and watched KD ride a bicycle real fast in a dorky helmet enough times that I see them on the back of my eyelids when I go to sleep. Plenty of people defending Rob Pelinka’s representation have used Durant’s high number of appearances to argue that KD should be more than happy with his current situation, and has no reason to leap to an unproven partner like Jay-Z. (Related note: there’s a surprisingly large contingent of online commentators with deep-seated investment in the success of high-profile sports agents. Who knew?)

I think the idea that Durant "should be happy" requires a little critical examination. What commercials do you remember seeing Durant in this season? There are the ones I mentioned, with the pajamas (by far the family favorite), and there’s the disappointingly un-prescient Gatorade ad with Wade. There’s that one BBVA one where he spends much of his time in background while the camera’s attention stays firmly focused on some guy that looks like Gary from FX’s Justified. There’s the one where he rides the bicycle. Supposedly there’s the “KD is not nice” advertisement, but I’ve never seen that air once on television and wouldn’t know it existed were it not for YouTube.

Now, compare these campaigns and appearances with Chris Paul’s “Cliff Paul” line. That campaign was EVERYWHERE. It had charm and creativity; it featured Chris Paul foremost in a quirky situation. It had an alter-ego (a classic staple of any advertisement using an NBA player). It was played out in gags at nationally televised games, in social media, and achieved the kind of crossover appeal you only see from really catchy campaigns. My grandmother hasn’t watched an NBA game in her life and barely knows who Michael Jordan is. She still asked me about Chris Paul after being charmed by those ads.

How about Adidas’ campaign for Derrick Rose? You know, The Return? Hashtags on hashtags? That guy didn’t even end up returning, and it was STILL one of the most successful and culturally successful campaigns pitched in a long while. Appropriate for a dominant Bulls star, it went beyond simple cutesiness or sight gags, aiming instead for myth-making. The melodrama and production of it all was evocative of classic Jordan ads, a throwback to a time not-so-long-ago when a players’ brand and advertisements were carefully cultivated to establish fantastical mythology of the highest order. It was the kind of ad not interested in marketing Derrick Rose, the player you haven’t seen in a while here to tell you about his new shoe, but instead in marketing D-Rose, injured warrior training through the void of night in a darkened gym, obsessively striving to rescue a city plunged into stasis by his tragic undoing. He wears cool shoes while he does it, but it’s beside the point.

Both these are examples of classic advertisement choices made by Paul and Rose’ management respectively. Creative Arts Agency made Chris Paul a family name. BJ Armstrong made Derrick Rose (at least temporarily) more myth than man. Rob Pelinka made Kevin Durant that guy the dad in the Sprint commercial turns into, where the pajamas don’t fit? Shocking that he might think Jay-Z could have a fresh strategy for his career. Simply shocking. Of course, then there’s that other nagging question, made more real for Oklahoma City fans and small markets everywhere by the possibility that Jay-Z will succeed in expanding Durant’s exposure and personal brand: what if this means Kevin Durant will leave Oklahoma City?

Maybe he does. But anyone panicking about it should remember he’s not a free agent, and has multiple years left on his contract. Between now and then, who knows what could happen? Maybe Oklahoma City seals a championship, propelling both the team and Durant’s career to new heights, and the idea of him leaving becomes preposterous. Or maybe the team has imploded after seasons of missed opportunities, injuries, poor front office decisions, and Durant’s decision to leave is entirely understandable. There's simply no way to peer into our crystal balls and divine what the future will hold for the Thunder or for Kevin Durant’s best interest, we can only exist in the now.

So here’s what the now is: Kevin Durant chose a partnership with a successful businessman who he both holds in high personal esteem and recognizes as skilled in cultivating a successful personal brand. He likely recognized that while Jay-Z the agent is “unproven,” Roc-Nation the agency is not, being nothing more than a new component and brand of Creative Arts Agency. I mentioned them earlier as being the representation for Chris Paul, but they also are responsible for players like Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Tony Parker, Paul George, Carmelo Anthony, Michael-Kidd Gilchrist, and others. Successful players all, they occupy small and big markets alike. What Kevin Durant made was a rational business decision, nothing more. Anyone having a case of the small-market shakies shouldn’t lose sleep over it. After all, Wade probably won't even get the chance to block us.

Continue reading

 

What is the meaning of life? What do I look like when I haven't shaved in a couple days? The answers to all these puzzling questions will be revealed soon.

Anyway, we did a postgame last night. It was pretty depressing, but we held it together. Heh. In case you weren't aware, the Spurs lost to the Heat last night in a Game 2 blowout to even the series, as the Heat are wont to do. Seven times out of ten we drink our bourbon at night, thus spawning the theme of this program. The word "eviscerate" means "to deprive". In this case, the Heat eviscerated our fragile hearts.

But we're getting better, and by the end of us both of us are weakly reassured just enough by the Spurs' playoff run at large that we're both willing to go with the Spurs on Tuesday, albeit with weak confidence.

And hopefully we're getting better at the postgames. 30 minutes or so of bliss or brilliant entertainment... this is not. But we're getting there day by day. We're pounding the rock, and perhaps that's all that matters. Tonight in our postgame we talked about what we thought of this (all considering) bizarre game full of unlikely heroes and unlikely underperformers (HINT: Everyone more or less fit in one of the two categories, even freaking Ray Allen), and where we think the series as a whole is going. Anyway, have a good day, everyone.

--Alex

P.S. I thought turnovers were an obvious concern for San Antonio, though the actual mechanics of that didn't really come up until an hour after we finished broadcasting. So, on that note, I wrote a piece back in January about how the Spurs played the Grizzlies twice in the span of five days during the regular season, losing the first because of turnovers before making a slight but potent adjustment: They played Duncan and Diaw nearer to the top of the key, a few feet back from Duncan's most comfortable zone, in order to limit turnovers and create a second facilitator. This approach, with interesting strengths and weaknesses, is great for limiting turnovers and their ill effect, but playing your big that far away from the basket is far from ideal in terms of generating offense. But Duncan and Diaw are two of the best passing big men in the game, and I thought it was worth mentioning and linking.

Continue reading

Have you ever watched Community? It's a good show. Today, I find myself inspired by an early episode, specifically "Remedial Chaos Theory" -- the 3rd episode of the show's 3rd season. As a refresher, for those who aren't familiar: due to a damaged apartment door, it's determined that somebody has to walk down to get the pizza delivery. To decide which of the seven characters present gets the pizza, a die is rolled, and six different timelines are created. SPOILER ALERT: There are only six faces on a die. There are seven people. In a seventh "bonus" reality, they realize that one of their number is conning the group. Alas. In honor of the episode, I decided to create seven different timelines for the NBA trade deadline. Rather than trading seven different players, I decided to use one alone. The events had to be mutually exclusive, after all. Who? That was the easiest part, after a well timed tweet from Adrian Wojnarowski concerning Josh Smith. It had involved six teams. Milwaukee, Brooklyn, Boston, Philadelphia, Washington, and (of course) the possibility of staying with Atlanta. One more team was needed, and in a ironic twist of fate, that last team was none other than the one I'd abandoned a week ago; my former Phoenix Suns. And thus, the table's set.

Here are the NBA's seven mutually exclusive Smith-based timelines.

• • •

Timeline 1: Josh Smith to the Milwaukee Bucks

In this scenario, Atlanta feels they need another incredibly annoying volume scorer. They get Ekpe Udoh's plus-minus too. Meanwhile, Milwaukee gets Josh Smith, to pair with LARRY SANDERS! to make for a really athletic team. This year, they even get to the 6th seed, and upset the 3rd-seed Bulls. Which is all well and good, until ~ the Josh Smith curse ~ hits them and the team collapses in a heap. This happens over and over again, through all five years of Smith's surprising extension. And so, in his thirties and depressed by a lifetime of early exits, Smith joins the 3-time champion Cleveland Cavaliers on a mid-level contract. The Cavs, of course, have LeBron back alongside Kyrie Irving. They're hyped up in the preseason as the best team in league history, which turns out to be pretty premature. The Cavs fall short in the second round the next 3 years in a row, losing game sevens in the second round each and every time, usually on a bricked Josh Smith jump shot.

Eventually Smith retires, disheartened, while LeBron ends his final season sans-Smith with a last championship to top off his career. It later turns out that Josh Smith had been cursed back when he decided to declare for the draft rather than to go to college. The curse stipulated that Smith can never go beyond the second round with a small-or-mid market team. After finding this out, Smith joins the Los Angeles Lakers -- now with Shabazz Muhammad and Damian Lillard -- and wins a championship as a veteran sixth man. Satisfied, he retires, never to be heard from in the NBA circles again.

• • •

Timeline 2: Josh Smith to the Washington Wizards

The Wizards add a bevy of draft picks to support the rather weak core, Jordan Crawford returns to Atlanta, and Josh Smith gets to play in the nation's capital. Fun times. After the first season is lost due to the impossible playoff hole, the Wizards end up facing off with the Chicago Bulls in the second round in the 2014 playoffs. An intense series goes seven games, with an reinvigorated Derrick Rose fighting off a breakout season from John Wall and an insanely well developed Bradley Beal, while Josh Smith anchors the defence.

With 10 seconds left in a decisive Game 7, the Bulls have a 89-88 lead with the Wizards getting the final shot. President Obama is in the stands. Smith gets the final shot, a buzzer beating decoy three off the inbounds play. The ball bricks off the rim and hits President Obama's head on the way down. The impact is so strong that Obama falls over his seat, breaking his neck in the process. He dies in the hospital. America's 45th President, former Senator Joe Biden, chooses to place the blame squarely on Smith and ensures he'll be charged with negligent homicide. Somehow the courts actually accept the premise of the prosecution and convict Smith, who is sentenced to spend the remainder of his life in prison.

Coach Randy Wittman commits suicide after realizing that it was his ridiculous play call that not only lost him a playoff series, but also killed the President. President Obama is said to have died happy. Years later, an investigation shows that minutes prior to the shot, a Secret Service agent was toying around with the rims as the crowd was distracted watching cheerleaders. A thorough report reveals that President Obama ordered the rims to be tampered with to make them extra bouncy, in an effort to make sure his Chicago Bulls wouldn't lose by a lucky roll or a shooter's bounce. Josh Smith is set free and makes several completely pointless runs for the Presidency on a variety of hopeless third party tickets.

(He maxes out at 5% in the 2064 elections.)

• • •

Timeline 3: Josh Smith to the Phoenix Suns

Josh Smith is heading to the Valley of the Sun! ... And as soon as he arrives there, he's greeted by Michael Beasley, who's just coming back home from buying some "soothing herbs." They become fast friends. For the rest of the 2013 season, Beasley and Smith play every game completely high. This unleashes their true potential, as the two Suns bricklayers suddenly forget how to miss shots. The Suns sneak into the playoffs, and the power of the wonder-weed apparently breaks Josh Smith's small-to-mid market curse. The Suns reach the NBA Finals, upsetting every big team in the book. But their luck runs out in Game 1 of the Finals -- they run out of weed, and even though Jermaine O'Neal tries his best to convince them that "Jermaine's Special Stuff" is just as good (it's oregano), they aren't fooled. The Suns revert back to their early season futility and brick right out against the Miami Heat in an easy sweep by LeBron and company, going down by about 40 points in each of the last three games. A DEA investigation later pins them as customers of many high profile Arizona dealers and locks them up in prison for 15 years. Suns fans remain completely unsurprised by what they've seen.

• • •

Timeline 4: Josh Smith to the Boston Celtics

Josh Smith is heading to Bean Town! The Celtics throw in draft picks with that trade, obviously. A LOT of draft picks. "EVERY DRAFT PICK'S POSSIBULLLLL!" The Celtics, reinforced with a new star PF alongside Kevin Garnett, inexplicably keep winning. They advance to the Eastern Conference Finals and fall to the Heat in 7. They enter next year as contenders, with Rajon Rondo is supposedly on the verge of a return to health. They repeat the same fun script... until Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce suddenly retire in the offseason. Right at the point where their draft picks begin to be sold. Over a painful five year period, the Celtics draft exactly TWO players -- yet another long and painful rebuild. Smith and Rondo leave as soon as their contracts are up, and the Celtics are bound for another era of sadness. Whoops.

• • •

Timeline 5: Josh Smith to the Brooklyn Nets

Mikhail Prokhorov kidnaps Danny Ferry's family, telling him to make a deal. He offers Wallace and Blatche as a throw in to keep up appearances. Prokhorov ALSO kidnaps the families of every single person involved in Hawks operations, noting that if they tell anyone anything after the trade, he'll do it again without the whole "returning them safe from harm" part. The Hawks are devastated by the trade and fall from playoff contention in record pace, unable to find chemistry with Gerald Wallace or Andray Blatche, who reverts to his former self after suffering withdrawal effects from Brooklyn club life. Meanwhile, the Nets somehow manage to click, with Josh Smith putting back all the bricks Joe Johnson and Deron Williams heave up nightly. The Nets continue a path of destruction all the way to a surprise NBA title, after it turns out that Brooklyn night-club life was the only thing Josh Smith needed to be able to defend LeBron James and Kevin Durant.

Next off-season, Dwight Howard forces a trade to Brooklyn. Nobody is surprised. The Nets go on to win six more titles, with ESPN proclaiming Josh Smith the new greatest of all time. Meanwhile, Mikhail Prokhorov finally beats a crusty old Vladimir Putin in the first competitive election in modern Russian history, partially riding his NBA takeover as a victory over the American imperialists. But a now-18 year old survivor of the kidnapping ordeal finally reports the story to Deadspin, who (after a full-on investigation) discover the truth behind the trade. The FBI jumps right on it, and the confirmation of Prokhorov's crimes comes just as the newly appointed Russian president is visiting the States. The Americans arrest him, diplomatic immunity be damned, on charges of kidnapping and destroying the sanctity of America's sports. This leads to Russia launching nuclear warheads. America and Russia are obliterated as wastelands, and China takes over the world.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announces that the Nets are stripped of all their titles.

• • •

Timeline 6: Josh Smith to the Philadelphia 76ers

Josh Smith is traded to the Sixers, while Evan Turner gets to grow with the Hawks. For team integration, the team decides to take Smith out bowling, where he injures his knee celebrating a strike that got him a perfect score. As time passes, Smith is day-to-day until the end of the season. He later has to retire due to the injury, stating he feels that he can't play on the level he'd want to anymore. Later it turns out that he spent his entire rehabilitation period playing games programmed by Andrew Bynum on a Kinect that Bynum also tweaked to have more "fun". Smith and Bynum keep re-injuring their knees, this way, and both eventually retired to become motion based video game designers.

• • •

Timeline 7: Josh Smith stays in Atlanta

Smith stays and resigns with Atlanta. He's joined by Dwight Howard, who chooses Atlanta in a 7 episode game show called "The Free Agency Dwight Howard Roulette Bonanza WITH CELEBRITY IMPERSONATIONS." Being old friends, Smith and Howard get along really well and pilot some of the more interesting NBA teams of recent memory. They develop a rabid national fanbase to offset the traditionally flagging attendance in Atlanta, but Smith's curse prevents them from achieving their ultimate goal. Eventually, due to their falling attendance and how little Atlanta cares about them, the Hawks make their way to London to become the NBA's first European team. This move powers Smith and Howard with the salve of night-life and prostitution, bringing the NBA's championship trophy to the United Kingdom. Mean mugging the camera as he's awarded his finals MVP, a beaming Josh Smith picks up the trophy and screams in excitement.

... only to wake up in a cold sweat a few days before the trade deadline, still waiting to see what happens.

THE END

• • •

EDITOR'S NOTE: Hey, all! We're finally back from our All-Star hangover. (No, none of us made it to the all-star game. This hangover is metaphorical, the answer is horrible, our morals are out of place and l--... I'll stop.) Tomorrow marks the return of the Outlet with a piece on last week's depressing-for-Jacob OKC/MIA rubber match and some other good stuff. Friday marks the start of a weeklong feature, an end-of-season viewing guide that handicaps the award races and sheds light on some trends and fun things to watch. Then I'll be making my way up to Boston to bring you guys some coverage of the Sloan conference. Get excited. -- Aaron

Continue reading

 

Aaron and I had the following conversation on November 2nd. The Lakers were 0-2 (going on 0-3) as we had the conversation. Mike Brown hadn't been fired. While Nash's leg was already broken, we didn't know that when we were talking (recall that didn't come out until a few days after the Portland game Nash was injured in). Whatever the case, so much was going on with the Lakers, and I didn't know what to make of the stories that kept pouring in. I especially didn't know what to make of this particular conversation. So I didn't seize the moment, as Aaron suggested.

To my astonishment, it's January 25th (nearly three months after this conversation!) and I've had to make only minor edits, all for grammar/spelling, semantic clarification, cussin', and brevity. I can't make you believe we really had this conversation. All I can do is present it for your amusement (and horror, considering how disturbingly prophetic some sections of the conversation are in retrospect). Also, I am revealing to the world that I thought the Clippers would win about 43 games and the Warriors would get 35 wins, so... yeah. Nostradamus I am not. But the rest? That's gravy! Get that oil, son! GET THAT OIL!

• • •

Alex: A thought for your consideration: The Lakers are not conceivably an unstoppable team, because even in their best iteration, they are eminently and fundamentally flawed. That said, they could be scary good. Still, I'd like to see that actually happen, instead of just taking for granted that they'll get there. I mean, plenty of teams could be scary good (remember the Knicks!)... but health can do a lot to that "could" in a hurry, as can redundancy and uncreative coaching.

Aaron: Fair. This is my thought: I think the Lakers could be pretty great, and I see why the consensus is there. But making the leap from "could" to "will" requires a lot of factors to turn up in their favor, and not all are guaranteed to do so. In my assessment:

• Dwight Howard has to get healthy. His defense looks atrocious and the back problem looms hard, because he can't seem to move laterally anymore or cover as wide an area of the court.

• Pau Gasol needs to be able to defend perimeter guys in at least a remotely passable manner, as they're going to face good perimeter big men in every round of the playoffs. Frankly, if Pau continues to allow 8-8 on midrange to any half-decent big man he guards, they're going to be awful.

• Steve Nash needs to be able to play ~30+ minutes per game in the playoffs. This is essential, and an underrated necessity for them. The backup options are so unbelievably bad that anything less leaves them with this gaping flesh wound for 10-15 minutes of the game, and leaves them too vulnerable offensively to respond. It's this huge internal hole the starters will always have to dig out of

• They need to be in good health and not at all exhausted come playoff time — these are old guys and this is not a given, and exhaustion will sap an old man game more than anything, heh.

• And finally, in a 7-game series? They need Steve Nash's performance variance either at a very low level around an average mean or at a very high level that errs on the high side.

Now, the thing with these? They all could happen, and even if only 2 or 3 happen, they'll still be a decent team. (Aaron Note: Yeah, nobody really could've seen NONE of them happening coming.) But the other thing is that it's an extraordinarily large assumption to just assume they'll all happen without a hitch. It's basically as big an inherent assumption as a Spurs fan saying: "Yeah, by the playoffs Tiago Splitter will be producing double-doubles nightly, we'll trade Blair/Neal for Anderson Varejao, Tim Duncan will only play 24 MPG of 25-15 ball in the regular season but 40 MPG in the playoffs, Tony Parker will average 30 points per game without breaking a sweat, and Kawhi Leonard will be the 2nd-best SF in the league by May." But one of the sets of team assumptions is today's "conventional wisdom", while the other is (rightfully) completely insane.

Alex: Yeah, I hear that. That kind of analysis actually favors the Spurs, Thunder, and Heat above anyone, playing the odds.

Sure, Dwyane Wade has to be healthy for the Heat to be favored. Sure, Manu has to be healthy for the Spurs to be favored in the West. Sure, Kevin Martin has to turn back the clock about two years and shoot the lights out. Additionally, the Spurs have to shore up their defense come playoff time, the Heat need to get LeBron more rest, and the Thunder need Ibaka to make a big leap. In some sense, though... that's it. If they all those two things and have reasonable health, they're dangerous title contenders. These two things are by no means given for any team, of course, and the Grizzlies actually come out really good according to this perspective of uncertainty, too.

But what I don't like about the Lakers' chances is that Pau has looked really old so far. Unlike Duncan, there's no big precedent for him having a comeback year. And there's no masterful interior defense to bank on. If Dwight was healthy, he'd provide that, but man... he has to be 100%. They're only going to go as far as Dwight can take them, I think. Sure, they could carry him being less-than-ideal for one series, but I doubt they're going to be able to compensate for an 80% Dwight all the way to Kobe's 6th. Not with their other burning questions. Either they cut back his minutes or his performance, and with their roster? That's a choice they can't afford to make.

Aaron: Yeah. They need Dwight at 100%. That's an absolute. Need Nash at a very high level, too.

__Alex: __Also, you have to wonder. Of course, we all know that Dwight has been an iron man before this back injury. That's a really good sign. On the other hand? He's never had to get healthy before. Take Paul Pierce. That guy's had injuries since he came into the league, it seems, and because of that he's learned to ride them out to an extent. Pierce has learned what it takes to get healthy off a big injury, or as healthy as you need to be to play. Because of his excellent health, Dwight (ironically) has never had to learn that compensation mechanism. Not to this extent. Instead, Dwight is going to try and learn on the fly. Also, I mean... let's be clear, Dwight's injury is sort of unprecedented as a situation. We don't know where it's going. Just as a sanity check, I realize this might be a rationalization on my part... I mean, okay, his pre-injury health has been surreal.

Aaron: Eldritch.

__Alex: Demonic, even. Still, how often do players just _get___ healthy with a bad back while playing 40+ minutes over the course of an NBA season? If you didn't answer 100%, well, that's exactly the problem. That's exactly my point.

Aaron: Yep.

Alex: Anyway. Who cares about the Lakers, man? RJ's line is 0-1-0-0-0 on one shot, no TOVs and a -11, in seven minutes. That's just blessed. Heh, I like the Warriors, but I can't shake the feeling that they're also not that... good... [Alex's note: Hey, I'm doing really well in predictions thus far in this conversation. I'm still human, though. All too human.]

Aaron: ... Alright. Let me respond fully to that last Laker point. The Pierce/Dwight comparison is very interesting, because it's true — this is the first major game-changing injury he's had to deal with, and he looks significantly compromised.

Alex: The comparison that comes to mind for me is David Robinson. Remember how Simmons described his first game? Even more of an athletic freak than Dwight, even more impressive physique. Of course... he was never totally the same after that injury.

Aaron: That is not a good comparison. Come on.

Alex: Admiral was around 30.

Aaron: Heh, but Dwight is 27. Like, hmm... That's not... okay, I admit, that's not THAT different, and I'm wondering how many minutes David Robinson had played at that point. Since you often get a better sense of true cardinal age from minutes played in the NBA rather than years spent on this earth. Actually, I'm looking it up now. I'm curious. Which year did he suffer it, again? I was five years old or something.

Alex: Well, it was late 1996, I believe. Like, very early in the season, so D-Rob would've been 31.

Aaron: __Okay, at the time Dwight suffered the injury, he had played __22,550 regular season minutes and 2,246 playoff minutes. At the time David Robinson suffered his injury... Okay... now... wow. Uh. You might flip out, so sit down if you are inexplicably standing up while reading this window

Alex: Okay. :swallows coffee:

Aaron: At the time David Robinson suffered his injury, he had played 21,353 minutes in the regular season and 2,084 playoff minutes.

Alex: :spits out coffee:

__Aaron: __So, even though it seems ridiculous on its face, that's a phenomenal comparison if you take the baseline that David Robinson wasn't ever quite the same dominant D-Rob after that. Also, funny story: After that injury, Robinson never played over 34 MPG in a full season again. He played:

• 34 mpg in 98
• 32 in 99
• 32 in 00
• 30 in 01
• 30 in 02
• 26 in 03

Alex: I think it's very clear that David Robinson was cloned and crossed with something unpleasant to make Dwight Howard. Huh... let me check his MPG before injury, hmm.

Aaron: Way ahead of you. It was 36+ every season.

Alex: Oh man, this is... this is eldritch.

Aaron: 37, 38, 38, 39, 41, 38, 37 for D-Rob.
And... 33, 37, 37, 38, 36, 35, 35, 37, 38 for D-Wight (upon our houses).

Alex: Wow, do you see what I'm seeing (I don't know if it right-adjusts your Trillian window, but it does for mine)? See, if you take that first two years off (Dwight's rookie/soph seasons, I guess) they line up just about exactly. Same number of seasons, almost the same number of minutes per season. Naturally.

00, 00, 37, 38, 38, 39, 41, 38, 37 for D-Rob.
33, 37, 37, 38, 36, 35, 35, 37, 38 for Dwight.

Aaron: Anyway, the most jarring thing about this is that prior to the back injury, David Robinson missed 12 games one year, 2 games another, and 1 another. Dwight missed 4 one year, 3 another. So, Dwight a bit less, but that's phenomenally comparable. They were both preternaturally healthy big guys who suffered big back injuries.

Alex: This is honestly... a huge story. Wow.

Aaron: D-Rob was older, but in terms of minutes played, Dwight actually was more experienced. So yeah, it's pretty insane. And yeah, given tht the conventional wisdom indicates that Dwight will be back to superhuman form in 3 or 4 weeks, this is a pretty big piece. Or, rather, a short piece with a big idea. If you promise to tamp down the crazy metaphors to try and make it more public-consumption level... You know what, Alex? "u can hav this 1, heh. This is 4 U, DewLord McSame. this is UR momnt. Ur time. Ur lyfe."

Alex: What?

Aaron: ... just... uh... make a piece out of the stat. Thanks.

• • •

Thus concludes the cautionary tale.

Continue reading

Everyone seems to be doing it, right? We've reached the rough halfway point of the 2013 season and I -- Editor in Chief, Viscount of Nottinghamshire, Aaron McGuire (the Man in Esquire) -- have decided to kick off our mid-year award picks. Armed with just the acronyms of the NBA's six mainstay awards, I quickly discovered that I had absolutely no idea what any of those acronyms meant. After briefly considering looking them up, I decided instead to make up awards off the top of my head and hope they roughly matched actual awards that existed. They're close, right? Tell me they're close. TELL ME THEY'RE CLOSE.

MVP -- Most Valuable Pelican
The much-ballyhooed MVP award is awarded yearly to the most valuable Pelican in the entire league. The process of choosing this award was made significantly easier when the Hornets changed their name to the Pelicans. Thanks, New Orleans!
	1. Greivis Vasquez 2. Anthony Davis 3. Eric Gordon 4. Ryan Anderson 5. Brian Roberts	Aaron McGuire: I'm tempted to go with Anthony Davis, because he's their best player so far and their most important big. But I can't. He's missed too many games. So I'll go with a pick I never would've seen coming a year ago -- their steady hand at the point, Greivis Vasquez. The man has accumulated the 2nd most assists in the NBA to date and he's producing markedly more efficient offense than he ever has in his life. He's played in every game, with virtually no depth behind him, which mitigates the difference in quality between him and Davis. He's doing phenomenal work, here.
	1. Anthony Davis 2. Ryan Anderson 3. Eric Gordon 4. Greivis Vasquez 5. Brian Roberts	Alex Dewey: Anthony Davis. Brian Roberts is the narrative pick, Greivis Vasquez is the "relative to expectations" pick, Ryan Anderson is the most productive (whatever that means), Eric Gordon is the "best player on the best team", and Anthony Davis is the best player. So Anthony Davis. Bonus points to Austin Rivers and Roger Mason Jr. for causing opposing coaches to burn their eyes out (or have a mysterious illness just before the game), which gives an opening for Monty to dominate the coaching battle.
	1. Ryan Anderson 2. Greivis Vasquez 3. Eric Gordon 4. Anthony Davis 5. Robin Lopez	Adam Koscielak: If not for the injuries, it would've been between Eric Gordon and Anthony Davis. But I'll have to say Ryan Anderson. The man brings them a stable presence from deep, rebounds well enough, and spreads the floor enough to make Robin Lopez look competent every once in a while. Making Robin Lopez look good for even a second warrants an award, I think.

Hit the jump for more awards, including ROTY, 6MOTY, COTY, DPOY, and MIP.

• • •

ROTY: Reagent of the Year
Remember your high school chemistry? Me neither! But according to my years-old AP Chem notes, a reagent is a substance added to a system to produce a chemical reaction. That makes sense! This widely loved award is awarded to the player who's had the most positive catalytic impact on their new team. Traditionally it's awarded to rookies. I don't get it!
	1. Jason Kidd 2. Jamal Crawford 3. Andre Drummond 4. Jarrett Jack 5. Jacque Vaughn	Aaron McGuire: While I love what Jamal Crawford has done with the Clippers -- and didn't expect it at all -- I can't really say anyone but Jason Kidd in good conscience. Most people have conveniently forgotten that the Knicks were predicted to be a 5-8 seed team in the preseason. Tyson Chandler's defense has been somewhat disappointing, and they've dealt with some pretty big injuries. But the Knicks have stayed afloat (and done better than that!) behind an astonishingly unexpected renaissance from a man who's had about 5 of them already. Kidd has completely changed the complexion of an already-good Knicks offense, and if it wasn't for his versatility, I'm really not sure where these defensively awful Knicks would be right now.
	1. Jarrett Jack 2. Jamal Crawford 3. Andre Drummond 4. Andrei Kirilenko 5. Jason Kidd	Alex Dewey: Gotta be Jarrett Jack - Sitting at 5th in the West, 11 games above .500, the Hornets have dominated the regular season so far on the amazingly balanced contributions provided by Anthony Davis*, Jarrett Jack**, a restored Eric Gordon***, along with young upstarts Greivis Vasquez**** and Brian Roberts*****. Despite Austin Rivers****** looking not quite NBA-ready, the Hornets are thriving. It's hard to imagine where the Hornets would be if they had done something foolish, like given Jarrett Jack to the Golden State Warriors for pennies on the dollar. *David Lee **Jarrett Jack ***Steph Curry ****Klay Thompson *****Draymond Green ******Festus Ezeli
	1. Jamal Crawford 2. Damian Lillard 3. James Harden 4. Alexey Shved 5. P.J. Carlesimo	Adam Koscielak: This is me eating crow. Jamal Crawford. Somehow. He's been a perfect fit to the Clippers, making their bench one of the most dangerous in the league. His shaking, baking and ill-advised jumper taking (heyo, Walt Frazier!) is a perfect counter-balance to Chris Paul's deliberate game. He's the yin to Paul's yang. He's a Mentos in a coke bottle. And to think I chose him as worst newcomer for ESPN's Summer Forecast. (That's the sound of my palm hitting my face.)

• • •

6MOTY: Sixth Man of the Year
In the U.S. Presidential Line of Succession, the Secretary of Defense is the "sixth man" in line. Lay it on me straight, friends -- if you had to pick an NBA player or coach to fill Leon Panetta's squeaky, vacant shoes and take up their role as our president's "sixth man", who would you pick?
	1. Joel Anthony 2. Tim Duncan 3. Kevin Garnett 4. Gregg Popovich 5. Stephen Jackson	Aaron McGuire: One of the problems inherent in a hyper-partisan congress is that you really aren't going to make much headway with any sort of controversial pick. I mean, I love Kevin Garnett's defense, but imagine trying to get him through senate hearings. Just isn't happening. Popovich is too much of a liberal for the Tea Party caucus, and Spencer Hawes would bomb his neighbors. No thanks. I'll go with the most conservative pick I can, then -- welcome to the cabinet, Joel Anthony. May your appointment be as uneventful as your two minutes of playing time in last year's finals.
	1. Shane Battier 2. Grant Hill 3. Chris Duhon 4. Carlos Boozer 5. Kyrie Irving	Alex Dewey: Gregg Popovich, because he can see the future. But it would be political suicide to appoint him! So I won't. Grant Hill or Shane Battier would be much easier confirmations. Such nice young men. They went to Duke and have probably never personally overseen the Air Force coup of an extraterrestrial planet. They've never coached a team of young military prodigies in space, forcibly removed from their families from birth, to destroy a Borg-like empire with devastating efficiency, only thereafter having their minds wiped before being placed into Golden State to coach basketball professionally the rest of their days. Neither of these players, that is to say, is Gregg Popovich. That gives them a fresh political start. Shane Battier gets the tiebreaker... because of his defense. [Ed. Note: Alex, why.]
	1. Gregg Popovich 2. Chris Kaman 3. David West 4. Ivan Johnson 5. Tim Duncan	Adam Koscielak: Well, at first I wanted to say it's Steve Nash, but then I realized he's too much of a pacifist. Then, I thought of Kobe, but decided against it, after realizing Kobe would probably advise foreign powers to "count da nukezzz" and launch an apocalyptic chain of events. And then, I remembered Gregg Popovich has ties with the CIA and might actually be an action flick hero. He'd probably be the next Sun Tzu if given charge of an army. Trojan horses, surprise attacks and all. Perfect candidate.

• • •

COTY: Coach of the Yacht
What recently fired/retired coach will have the most success in becoming a yacht aficionado in his second career? Alternatively: success in simply becoming a yacht. (Note: includes departed coaches from 2012 & 2011.)
	1. Avery Johnson 2. Alvin Gentry 3. Mike Brown 4. Jay Triano 5. Nate McMillan	Aaron McGuire: There are a lot of obvious answers here, but I'd like to go a bit off kilter and suggest that Avery Johnson would have the most success as a future yacht-based entrepreneur. My reasons? He sounds like Popeye, who's... like, a sailor, man. Also, he's known in Spurs circles as "little general", which indicates he has the leadership chops to successfully lead the yacht to victory. On the minus side, he's a abject Lovecraftian horror as a coach.
	1. Mike Brown 2. Mike D'Antoni 3. Phil Jackson 4. Alvin Gentry 5. Mike Woodson	Alex Dewey: Mike Brown. Easy. Hard-working, yachtesque, husky-skipper-walk is perfected, has experience coaching Stephen Jackson in two locations, military background, knows how to upset Kobe Bryant solely by working too hard, knows how to bring Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum to tears with a single word, knows every play and offense that has ever been run, navigational wizard, a true original, and inscrutably unfathomable in his ultimate power. His laughter is a basilisk of sound. The only problem is it's too easy: Mike Brown would actually be the Admiral of the Navy.
	1. Alvin Gentry 2. Stan Van Gundy 3. Phil Jackson 4. Avery Johnson 5. Scott Skiles	Adam Koscielak: Well, I'm a sentimental guy, so I really have to go with recently fired Alvin Gentry. He'd make a fine yacht captain, m'kay-ing every single order he'd make, launching into angry tirades after his faithful assistant (Thunder) Dan Majerle forgot to adjust the sails for the thirtieth time that day, and in off-time sitting down and leaving sad messages on Steve Nash's and Grant Hill's voicemail. It must be noted that when writing this, I'd imagined Stan van Gundy in a captain's hat, and decided to give him co-ownership of this award.

• • •

DPOY: Dread Pall of the Year
Which coach or player do you think opposing teams dread the most? Either for general churlishness, player quality, play style, whatever. Who does everyone hate to play?
	1. Tom Thibodeau 2. Pat Riley 3. Manu Ginobili 4. Reggie Evans 5. Kevin Garnett	Aaron McGuire: This one's a little tough. Lot of different angles to take. I'm going to go to the coach side of the ledger and tap Tom Thibodeau. Reasons should be somewhat obvious, but to put it succinctly -- Thibodeau's teams have been a massive pain in the butt to play for 5-6 years running. First the dynasty Celtics, whose defensive legend knows scant compare, and now with the Chicago Bulls he's keeping the annoying train running on-time. His players like him, but he plays them into the ground and grinds the other team's effort into dust. I'd be shocked if there was anyone in the league that actually enjoys trying to score against a Thibodeau team. SHOCKED.
	1. Eric Gordon 2. Kyrie Irving 3. LeBron James 4. Kevin Durant 5. Andre Miller	Alex Dewey: I'll go with Eric Gordon. Everyone that follows basketball even just a little knows that Kobe/Duncan/Melo/KG/Durant will take your lunch money, and there are times when an elite coach does the same. But Eric Gordon is in an odd sort of arbitrage where he's just about in the stratosphere of these players in quality but not in recognition. Even Steph Curry/Kyrie/James Harden/Anthony Davis have stories and gimmicks and there's a good chance your random fan off the street has heard of them. Heck, I'm guessing Nate Robinson and Glen Davis get some daps when they walk down a busy street. The Pacers were in Parks and Rec! But if you lose to Eric Gordon? Eric friggin' Gordon? No matter how great he turns out to be, you've lost to Eric Gordon. Who? Eric Gordon, man. You probably didn't see him coming, not to that extent, but you knew he was pretty good. Not that good, though! And you're left explaining how good Eric Gordon is. Might just be a Spurs/Lakers thing, though. Because he kills those teams, for reasons unknown.
	1. Chris Paul 2. LeBron James 3. Kevin Durant 4. Kevin Garnett 5. Tim Duncan	Adam Koscielak: The obvious answer would be LeBron or Kevin Durant, but I'm going to go with Chris Paul. The man has obvious skill, but he's also a trash talking, flopping menace on the floor. He'll make your blood boil. And then he's going to give you a hug, tell you you've played a good day and invite you to your house to play Monopoly or something. Try not losing your temper knowing the dude beats you in basketball AS WELL AS Monopoly, Pictionary and Trivial Pursuit.

• • •

MIP: Most Infuriating Player
Let's end it with a simple one. Out of all the players in the league, which player has infuriated their team's fanbase the most this season? Whether from injury, general tendency towards being a capricious manchild, or the worst play that a man could imagine.
	1. Dwight Howard 2. Pau Gasol 3. Michael Beasley 4. Andrew Bynum 5. Josh Smith	Aaron McGuire: Dwight Howard is the only person allowed to win this award in my book. I know exactly zero Laker fans that aren't completely and utterly disenfranchised by Dwight's capricious moaning. It's at the point where most Laker fans I know are actively wondering if it'd be better to trade Dwight or Gasol. Mull on that for a moment. Dwight Howard has been such an infuriating feckless twat that many Laker fans are actually defending Pau Gasol. Shock and awe. Honorable mention to Gasol, Beasley, Bynum and Josh Smith -- all players who would be mortal locks for this award in a non-Dwight season.
	1. Pau Gasol 2. Dwight Howard 3. Michael Beasley 4. Chris Kaman 5. Brandon Jennings	Alex Dewey: Pau Gasol -- It's not really fair but it is what it is. Pau is probably injured, certainly derided, poorly-managed, and poorly-led. Doesn't get credit for his greatness and gets his flaws magnified by everybody. But this isn't a question about validity. When it comes to annoying his fanbase? "Gasoft" takes the cake.
	1. Michael Beasley 2. Andrea Bargnani 3. Dwight Gasoward 4. Andrew Bynum 5. JaVale McGee	Adam Koscielak: If it isn't Michael Beasley, I don't know if these awards have a point. [Ed. Note: They don't.] I mean, yes, there's always Andrea Bargnani. At least he had the common decency to injure himself! As a Suns fan, I can tell you that when Beasley steps up to the scorers table, I get nauseous. And then, when he plays well, I feel even more nauseous! Because I see how much better he could be, if he had the tiniest iota of self-awareness. But that's too much for a brain devoured by joints. Oh, and his contract? That's 3 years, 18 million... Screw Beasley, is what I'm saying.

• • •

What do YOU think? Let us know your picks for the "awards" in the comments below.

Continue reading